Simon Hoggart: Guardian Journalist Cum Dinosaur

It's not often that I dredge the nether regions of the Guardian, for obvious reasons, but this piece by Simon Hoggart deserves comment.

There he was, good old boy Simon, enjoying a sumptuous meal, opulent trimmings aplenty, with incumbent Horncastle & Louth MP Peter Tapsell.

I was invited for lunch, at his wonderful house. My visit was at an hour's notice, so I assume they eat like this every day. Lady Tapsell, who is from Normandy, served us a velvety watercress soup, accompanied by chilled Sancerre.

Lady Tapsell brought us delicious local roast beef, plus fried potatoes and a glass of Chateauneuf-du-Pape. Sir Peter described his typical day, which consists of driving round the villages and market towns in an ancient Land Rover.

Lady Tapsell brought us the first of two desserts, caramelised strawberries, with dessert wine.

Now then, sunshine, stop right there a minute.

I do believe you have exceeded your daily alcohol limit, don't you? Just count 'em, you hazardous drinker, you.

Fried potatoes? Err, fried? Caramelised strawberries? Red meat? You're a heart attack victim in waiting, and no mistake. You weren't enjoying a meal with friends, you were being politely assassinated by murderous acquaintances.

Ones, I might add, who also commit ecocide on the world by driving a gas-guzzling 4x4, and not even a new clean green one, around the countryside. He'll be in jail soon, and quite rightly so, eh?

Yet you are defending his lifestyle. So much so, that you ridicule one of his opponents in the upcoming election.

[T]he Ukip candidate, Pat Nurse, seems more concerned with health. "I support lifestyle choice and an end to the denormalisation [sic] of adults who do not take on board health propaganda," whatever that means.

Were you still shit-faced on Tapsell's hospitality when you wrote this, Simon? The reason I ask is that you don't seem to have understanding of the word 'denormalisation'.

It's not spelled wrongly, so your application of 'sic' must mean that you, a Guardian journalist, haven't been keeping up with Labour's ever-changing use of language.

Your own rag has used the word liberally since 2007 when saggy-arsed Liam Donaldson first coined it.

"Some people would resent the idea of cigarettes being kept under the counter like magazines that you wouldn't want displayed. But I think that these are all part of the denormalisation process."

Yep, it looks like all the letters are in the same order. It is a word, after all ... just that you, the journalist, hadn't heard it before. A Ukip candidate is more in tune with modern parlance than you, it would seem. Fancy that?

So, seeing as you haven't a scooby what it means, Simon, let me explain. It is a process whereby normal, everyday enjoyments are being portrayed as somehow abnormal by health freaks.

By coincidence, the meal you enjoyed with Tapsell is part of the very denormalisation programme that you are too dull to have noticed. And by the very same soon-to-be-thank-fuck-for-that retired, Liam Donaldson, as an astute Zytophile once wrote.

The report goes on to assert that “Alcohol has a major impact on individual drinkers’ health.” No – it adversely affects the health of only a tiny minority. “It causes cancers of the liver, bowel, breast, throat, mouth, larynx and oesophagus; it causes osteoporosis; and it reduces fertility.” Yes, but in each case it increases the risk by only a tiny amount. For example, of women who don’t drink, 9.6 per cent get breast cancer; of women who do drink, 10.7 per cent do. In other words, one woman in a hundred gets breast cancer because she drinks. The same is true of other cancers: if you drink, it increases your chances of cancer by a tiny percentage. That does not, I suggest, justify the scare headlines in, for example, today’s Guardian that “no level of alcohol is safe”.

There are your employers again, Simon, spreading the scare.

No level of alcohol is safe. It's a rather regular refrain from them.

"From the standpoint of cancer risk the message of this report could not be clearer. There is no level of alcohol consumption that can be considered safe."

Sancerre, Chateau-neuf-du-Pape, and dessert wine? You're a right anti-social waste of NHS resources, you are!

Now, you ignorant, short-sighted moron, let's talk about how far 'denormalisation' has spread as a concept, shall we?

For a start, your host's choice of vehicle is out the window (ecocide, remember?). Especially if he ever, and I mean ever, exceeds the speed limit.

Speeding motorists should be 'treated like smokers' to make driving too fast socially unacceptable, a report to MPs says today. Road safety experts believe speeding must become as big a social taboo as smoking and drink-driving.

In fact, there is no end to the application of denormalisation. The Guardian (again) have reported eagerly on foods which should be considered socially unacceptable in the past, and will no doubt do so again once the denormalisers come after your fried potatoes or your rich caramel.

And if your EU-sceptic friend has ever raised the issue of wind turbines with his country-loving friends, dissent to their construction is also now to be deemed an opinion which must be eradicated.

[Ed Miliband] said: "The Government needs to be saying 'It is socially unacceptable to be against wind turbines in your area - like not wearing your seat belt or driving past a zebra crossing.'

See what he did there? It's called denormalisation. One 'l', no 'z'. Add it to your vocab, Simon.

What is so amusingly ironic about Simon's ill-informed slur is that the Ukip candidate was standing up for Simon's right to enjoy his meal with Tapsell without interference from the state.

That Simon couldn't see that, and instead tips the wink that he is going to repay his host's generous spread with ridicule of a political opponent, illustrates the dire paucity of talent in today's mainstream media.

Where have you been these last few years, Simon? She is defending, amongst many others, you!