Holy Smokes

The Isle of Man are still struggling with their prison smoking ban, it would appear. Inconveniently, inmates don't seem to be willing to play ball, God bless 'em ... and, in a small but mysterious way, He (or, at least His book) does.

THE Isle of Man Prison has lost control of the no-smoking ban.

The report, which has been published today, found that the total ban had resulted in a "large number of negative outcomes".

[Chief Inspector of prisons Nick Hardwick] explained: "Many prisoners appeared to be intensively and creatively engaged in circumventing the smoking ban.

"They boiled up nicotine patches, soaked fruit peel or other substances in it and then rolled cigarettes from the resulting 'tobacco' in pages from dictionaries and bibles held together with toothpaste. Lights were obtained from kettle elements and electrical wiring.

"We saw this happening in full view of staff and were satisfied it was a wide spread and long standing occurrence."

Prisoners were also found to be using lint from tumble dryers and pubic hair to make their homemade cigarettes.

So, I take it previous attempts at enforcing abstinence, as reported here last January, haven't worked.

TEABAGS have been banned at a non-smoking jail after lags used them in cigarettes instead of brewing up.

... instead of quitting, ingenious inmates poured out the contents of teabags and rolled makeshift ciggies.

[One former prisoner said] "Many inmates turned to teabags and some even tried smoking dried banana skins. Then the governor decided to ban teabags and replace them with granules so we couldn’t smoke them."

Still, it appears the authorities are going to carry on wrestling with the problem of enforcing abstinence on a prison population who are demonstrably unready to co-operate.

"Considerable management time was diverted into tackling the problem but measures such as banning certain types of fruit were just not going to be effective."

Tea bags? Fruit? They'll be running out of things to ban soon (just after compulsory pubic waxes, presumably). How about the nicotine patches next, eh? They are being used to boil down for the hit, after all.

"If the ban is to continue it needs to be combined with more effective smoking cessation support and a fuller programme of legitimate activity."

Nah, don't be silly. They'll ban the bibles before the religion of pharmaceutical sales compliance is ever restricted. Anything else would be blasphemy, so it would.

There was - briefly - at least a nod to the fact that prisoner health would be far better served by allowing prisoners to actually smoke, err, tobacco, rather than the cocktail of ingredients that they are currently inhaling ...

The report suggests initiating some changes to the smoking ban such as allowing smoking outside in the exercise areas.

... but that was swiftly dismissed.

Mark Kelly, the chief executive of the Department of Home Affairs which has responsibility for the prison, said: "The report has identified issues around the no-smoking policy which was introduced to protect non-smokers at the prison from the harmful effects of secondary smoke inhalation.

"In response to the inspector's comments the department instigated a review of current arrangements and decided to continue the ban with a renewed focus on robust enforcement and effective smoking cessation support."

Good grief.

How is it that the public sector seems to command a monopoly on unimaginative, myopic, brain-wiped personnel? Is there some University somewhere offering degrees in terminal robotic fuckwittery, and spooging the graduates into government-funded employment where they can spend a lifetime cocking things up at the taxpayer's expense?

There's not? Could have fooled me.

Another for the 'not about health' file.