Policy First, 'Evidence' Later

Well, well. Doesn't this tell a sorry story, eh?

The email – dated May 2011 – from civil servants in the UK’s Tobacco Policy Team to their peers in Australia says: “You will be aware that the UK Government is considering the introduction of plain packaging of tobacco products. 

“As I’m sure you’re aware, one of the difficulties regarding this is that nobody has done this and therefore, there isn’t any hard evidence it works.” 

The email – which is redacted to hide the sender’s name – continues: “I am wondering whether the Australian government drafted any type of impact assessment or cost analysis in which the likely benefits and costs are measured and, if so, whether you would be willing to share this information with us.”

Just take that in for a minute. The UK was "considering the introduction" of plain packs without even a sniff of any evidence. Really?

It's straight out of The Thick Of It, isn't it?

Minister (fidgeting): Opinion polls don't look good. We could do with a policy to announce. 

Wonk: Anything in mind? 

Minister: Not really, no. 

{Uncomfortable pause} 

Minister: Hold on, having something in mind is what I pay you for! Think of something, for God's sake, I haven't been mentioned in the papers for nearly a week! 

Wonk: We could always go back and do the presumed consent for organ donations thing again. 

Minister: No, no, NO! Don't you remember the roasting we got on that last time? The debate went on for months. Not in a good way, either ... being accused of presuming to own the body parts of every living citizen had the press all over us. No, we need something easy-peasy and damage-proof. 

Wonk: Let's get tough on drink-driving, err, again. That's always a winner. 

Minister: So 1980s. 

Wonk: Some new regulations on something? 

Minister: What? That the EU hasn't thought of already? 

Wonk: Good point. 

Minister: No, what we need is something no-one can object to. You know, like shop-lifting or, or fake DVDs. Yes, we know it's wrong but the public think stealing off big businesses is a victimless crime so don't care much. {looks wistfully out of the window} God, don't criminals have it easy compared to us politicians? 

Wonk: They can't legally steal money off the public by force though. 

Minister: Oh yeah, there is that. Swings and roundabouts, I suppose. 

Wonk: Aaah! I've got it! 

Minister: What? The clap off that divorcee down the deli counter at Waitrose? I did warn you. 

Wonk: No. A victimless policy! We've made people all hate smoking now, haven't we? Well, I heard that those nutty Aussies are talking about stealing the brands and logos from tobacco companies. 

Minister: Really? Why? 

Wonk: Apparently, the selling point is that it will stop kids from smoking. 

Minister: Pfft! They've always been daft down there. Walking upside down must pump too much blood to their fucking heads {laughs}. 

Wonk: Yes, but it's a policy. And it won't upset anyone as smokers don't care what box they come in so won't do anything about it. We kicked them out of pubs and they barely murmured, remember? It might also stop those boring wankers at ASH ringing us up every day and whining down the phone ... at least for a week or so, anyway.

Minister: D'you know what? You may be onto something there. Well done! 

Wonk: Thanks. Do I get a pay rise? 

Minister: Fuck off! I've had to take a cut myself since the bastards at the IPSA stopped me claiming for new furniture! 

Wonk: {Under his breath} My heart bleeds. 

Minister: I do like that, though. Is there any evidence? 

Wonk: None whatsoever. 

Minister: Good man. I'll organise a press release to announce it tomorrow. In the meantime, you have a scout around and see if you can find some obscure study somewhere to back it up. 

Wonk: And if I can't find anything? 

Minister: Then e-mail the Aussies and see what bullshit they used, of course! Sheesh, must I always be the one in this office to come up with ideas? 

Wonk: {sigh} Yes, Minister.

Frippery aside, it would seem clear from this FOI that the UK government's sole reason for "considering the introduction" of plain packs in 2011 was that ... the Australians were doing it. 

It's this puerile political headline-seeking which has led to our witnessing one of the most transparently laughable rigged public consultations of all time.

Even Armando Ianucci would struggle to make something this inept up.