Monday, 12 August 2013

Smoke Or Drink And The NHS Will Cut Your Bits Off

'Tis an important date here in Puddlecote Towers but, before I zip off to a rather nice restaurant for the evening, here's something astonishing from the postbag.

Long-time fellow jewel robber Moonrakin recounted a story from the weekend about which he is still understandably angry. In his own words, here is what happened to his brother in law who I shall rename John.
My brother in law is an electrician and a builder - yesterday [Saturday] he got his thumb squashed very badly on site by a JCB digger. So ... chauffeured off 10 miles to our local A&E by the mortified digger driver- where the following took place: 
Doctor: It's bad
John: I can see that.
Doctor: Are you a smoker?
John: Never smoked - ever
Doctor: Are you sure?
John: Look, I've never, ever smoked
Doctor: If you're a smoker we're going to cut it off right away
John: Look, I said I don't smoke and never have...
Doctor: Do you drink?
John: Yes
Doctor: How much - more than 50 units a week?
John: Not sure, a couple beers two or three nights a week - more upon occasion.
Doctor: So how much do you drink?
John: Look, what's the score with my thumb?
Doctor: Don't know, we'll have to get a specialist in from [local city].
Moonrakin went on to say that further conversations later with the doctor confirmed that an admittance of drinking over 50 units would have similarly led to the thumb being lopped off. He was also quizzed far more intensely with the doctor seemingly unable to accept assurances that the brother in law could be a builder and a non-smoker.

Sounds like the doc was desperate to get the bone-cutter out, the psycho nice 'caring' professional that he obviously is.

So, the message here is to do what nanny tells you or they'll send your body parts back to you in a cellophane bag. Capiche?


Captain Ranty said...

Jesus DP, did you have to post that tonight?

I'm on the operating slab tomorrow morning and when I tell them about my smoking and drinking they are bound to want to amputate my entire arse.


Diesel said...

Cap'n, at least if they do that, they'll have to amputate the beerbelly to rebalance you.

Silver lining an all that :-)

Dick_Puddlecote said...

Crikey! Don't have a curry tonight. ;)

john gibson said...

I do believe the story, because it comes from your blog, but if I had heard it in a pub (when I used them) I would have thought it a load of balls.
John Gibson

Captain Ranty said...


Captain Ranty said...


moonrakin said...

I frankly couldn't believe what I heard either....I supposed it might have been delivered archly in some spirit of darkly surreal medic humour - if it was - it very much flew straight over "John's" head...

Churchmouse said...

Chilling -- and believable -- story.

However, on a pleasant note, HAPPY SECOND ANNIVERSARY! Best wishes for many more. Hope you and Mrs P enjoyed dinner!

Ivan D said...

I lie, one way or the other, whenever I am asked by medics about my private habits. At any given time, I can officially be a current smoker ex-smoker or never smoker depending on what mood I am in. I recommend that everyone does likewise and makes a point of telling their GP at every possible opportunity. It is great fun under normal circumstances but obviously quite an important thing to get right if you are actually being treated by these people for something important. This post is more than disturbing.

Frank J said...

Which Hospital and 'Doctor'? We can't just laugh things like this off and it needs following up with serious questioning.

JonathanBagley said...

There is an NHS website where you can post your experiences of hospitals. This chap should do that. Both here
and here.

Dick_Puddlecote said...

Sincere thanks Mr C. Great dinner despite Mrs P ordering the priciest item on the menu. :)

Dick_Puddlecote said...

It's up to Moonrakin if he wants to reveal that. I do hope his brother in law sends a stiff letter of complaint to the hospital though, I'd love to see their reply and justification for making such judgement calls without proper investigation.

Frank J said...

Well, there's no bloody way they'd get away with that one. One arse'ole of a medic tried to blame ageing muscles on 'smoking' (gunge in the vessels) once and I blasted the hell out of him. In any event, his diagnosis turned out to be wrong and he had to eat humble pie. At the end he said "but I still say the same about smoking". W****r!

The least he should do would be to tell them to find another way of cutting down on costs. Sorry but that should be headline news.

moonrakin said...

I'm leaving it up to "John" - who's no doubt contemplating life with a throbbing and permanently damaged digit... I frankly doubt the efficacy of even complaining at this level. I've got my own thoughts - there are I think, two broad possible reasons behind this episode:

a) A "rogue" doctor - and I have to report that this isn't without precedent at the establishment in question

b) A culture that foments a medical trendy/fashionista mindset obsessing on the "public health" agenda ju jour that eggs the medics on to score points in a very arbitrary way - in my view (fwiw) that conflicts with that Hippocratic oath (do they still do that?)

There is definitely something in the training and the working conditions of the majority of NHS doctors that's different from their French, German, Scandinavian, Russian colleagues in their native habitat. The NHS medic majority are really capable and consciencious - but there's also the mad, the incompetent, the deluded etc. - and the NHS system has a bad dose of the cult of managerialism - where underperformance is the norm so nobody seeks to actually really up their game and bozos lead a charmed life.

I put it down to a bunch of cnuts "in charge".

moonrakin said...

Hope you're sat comfortably on that icepack?

Rob F said...

Jeez...if I ever trap my balls and penis in my fly (as in There's Something about Mary), then I'm going to have to totally lie about my lifestyle.

Or maybe say "I sometimes smoke an electronic cigarette, but not up my dick".

Kath Gillon said...

so typical NSH behavior then. I'm afraid I lie when they ask me things like that, not the drinking part because I don't drink.
I went to my dentist recently the jumped up little dental assistant (girls with one GCSE in Domestic Science, dental assistant is the posh name) asked was I smoker.
"Yes" says I
"How many"
I got cross....
"How many"
"yes but how many"
"A few.... look what is this the Spanish inquisition, I though I was here to get my teeth looked at not to have a grilling form some kid in a pinny"
"I smoke half as many now as I did last year at this time! OKAY LOVE!"
At which point the dentist seeing I was getting tetchy said I think we will just leave that question now.
DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN ... all that to have my teeth now I lie!

Frank J said...

Comments such as above from a 'medic' definitely need putting on the record. It's Mengele like. I know it's up to 'John' but leaving it alone is the main reason we're in the shit pile we are. Y'know, the 'oh, it'll never happen' syndrome. Wishful thinking these days.

There's little point in us whinging and whining on here if we're not prepared to make a stand, however small it may initially be.

moonrakin said...

Tend to agree on the complaint thing if only for the record.

William said...

Can you just lie to these nosy motherfu**ers? Here in the U.S. we have a similar thing, even with private Drs asking those questions, and that is my usual answer, "nope". No smoking, no drinking, (and I had to coach my kids to say "none" when asked during school physicals about guns in the house). Is there some penalty from the same govt that rapes you for this NI if they think you lied?