Smoke Or Drink And The NHS Will Cut Your Bits Off

'Tis an important date here in Puddlecote Towers but, before I zip off to a rather nice restaurant for the evening, here's something astonishing from the postbag.

Long-time fellow jewel robber Moonrakin recounted a story from the weekend about which he is still understandably angry. In his own words, here is what happened to his brother in law who I shall rename John.

My brother in law is an electrician and a builder - yesterday [Saturday] he got his thumb squashed very badly on site by a JCB digger. So ... chauffeured off 10 miles to our local A&E by the mortified digger driver- where the following took place: 

Doctor: It's bad
John: I can see that.
Doctor: Are you a smoker?
John: Never smoked - ever
Doctor: Are you sure?
John: Look, I've never, ever smoked
Doctor: If you're a smoker we're going to cut it off right away
John: Look, I said I don't smoke and never have...
Doctor: Do you drink?
John: Yes
Doctor: How much - more than 50 units a week?
John: Not sure, a couple beers two or three nights a week - more upon occasion.
Doctor: So how much do you drink?
John: Look, what's the score with my thumb?
Doctor: Don't know, we'll have to get a specialist in from [local city].

Moonrakin went on to say that further conversations later with the doctor confirmed that an admittance of drinking over 50 units would have similarly led to the thumb being lopped off. He was also quizzed far more intensely with the doctor seemingly unable to accept assurances that the brother in law could be a builder and a non-smoker.

Sounds like the doc was desperate to get the bone-cutter out, the psycho nice 'caring' professional that he obviously is.

So, the message here is to do what nanny tells you or they'll send your body parts back to you in a cellophane bag. Capiche?