Wednesday, 17 March 2010

And We All Lived Unhappily Ever After

Old King Cole was a merry old soul and a merry old soul was he; He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl but he only got his bowl because some bullshit statistics showed that if he smoked his pipe then at least two of his fiddlers would die of cancer.

Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
By the way, the chief medical officer says that amount of treacle is really bad for you and that excessive treacle eating is costing this country £14bn a day in lost productivity and exploding children.
There are plenty more updated nursery rhymes at the awesome Daily Mash today.

Yes, it's only satire but ... the annoyance which presumably motivated their piece is widespread, and hatred of petty and intrusive laws pretty much universal. So where (apart from our esteemed blog mascot, of course) are the politicians to stand up for us?

Abso-fucking-lutely no-bastard-where, is the answer.


Dave H said...

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey,
Along came a government adviser,
Who sat down univited beside her
And, after sternly informing her that dish alone contained more than the recommended maximum daily allowance of saturated fat
Forced her to eat five-a-day

(At last, after two damn edits. Liquid lunch and fingers are going everywhere.)

Anonymous said...

No more smoking,
No more fun,
Nanny has a,
Great big gun.

If you state fact,
If you complain,
Nanny will ban it,
Once again.

Nowhere to hide,
Nowhere to run,
The smoke-ban state,
Is worldwide spun.

Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow.
But when poor Mary lit a fag,
The Nanny State screamed, "NO!".

Dick Puddlecote said...

These are good! :-)

Uncle Marvo said...

I had a little nut tree, nothing would it bear;
But a silver nutmeg, and a golden pear;
The King of England's agents came to visit me;
And although all they wanted was my little nut tree, they had really jacked me off by that time so I sawed their bodies into little pieces and fed them to the pigs.

God that makes me feel so GOOD. This could catch on.

Anonymous said...

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
Jack feel down and broke his crown
but luckily a no-win, no-fee ambulance chaser happened by and showed Jack how to sue the LA because it had failed to put up a handrail on a very steep hill


BTS said...

Ring-a-ring o'roses
Someone's smoking rollies
Cough cough, exaggerated waving of hands
We all fall down

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Because we've got to fill out this form to prove that we're an equal opportunities employer

wv: cocult - black magic involving the male member

Anonymous said...

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?

With silver bells and organic baby potatoes and a new variety of tomatoes which I got from s super new garden centre which has a sushi bar and transports all its stock from Italy by donkey...


Dick Puddlecote said...

Crikey! These are going to deserve a post all of their own soon.

Quality stuff. :-)

Anonymous said...

Sing a song of sixpence
A pocket full of rye
Four-and-twenty blackbirds
On David Cameron's all inclusive Conservative candidates list


banned said...

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
The Chief medical officer came down and said
You didn't aughta
And this is why
Have you correctly carried out a health and safety assesment on slip hazard, cow pat soiling hazard or the likelihood of inapproriate adults trying to photograph you. Do you have an NVQ (L1) in water transportation. No? Thought not.

banned said...

Anon "Four-and-twenty blackbirds" Gets my vote for winning entry.

Anonymous said...

Jack Spratt could eat no fat,
His wife could eat no lean.
But when they tried a cigarette,
Their digestion all ran clean.

Unknown by others in the town,
They lived for years as such.
But then one day came smoke-haters,
Who cared for them not much.

Smoke-haters taught the good town folk,
Exactly how to hate.
They showed off the loud fake cough,
And hand waving gesticulate.

Once everyone was intimidated,
And forced thus to conform.
The hateful dictated a total ban,
And said it was the norm.

The Spratts again can not digest,
Forced to cease their mirth.
So now digestion gone quite bad,
They suffer the scorched earth.

And if a man should own a pub,
And let his clients smoke.
The hateful folk will come along,
And imprison the poor bloke.

Once again the world does fall,
Under the righteous few.
It all began with smoke-haters,
And the evil they did spew.