1) Decide from an early age that you would rather take money from other people than generate it yourself.
2) Study politics.
3) Join a large political party - any one will do.
4) Schmooze your way through the selection process and become a parliamentary candidate (remember, your own money not required).
5) After bravely bullshitting in a couple of unwinnable outposts, earn a safe seat.
6) The world is your oyster, buddy boy.
Err, that's it.
Well, according to Paul Flynn anyway. Because, d'you see, a career politician knows a hell of a lot more than you about absolutely everything.
The public is to be given an X Factor-style say in setting the political agenda under Coalition proposals.What a fucking stupid idea that is! Letting the public set the agenda for a democratic government? How absurd.
In theory the public proposals could become law.It's quite clear that the public are all wackos and should have no say in any policy whatsoever. Withdrawing from the EU? How dare the public even think about questioning something which affects their lives on a daily basis.
Critics warned the system would be dominated by populist ideas, such as restoring the death penalty, withdrawing from the European Union and giving householders the right to kill a burglar.
Don't they know that career politicians have already done their thinking for them?
Private property? Do me a favour, some chinless cock who left university and promptly joined the SDP as a wonk (half the Lib Dems) knows much more about that than you. Are you stupid or something?
Besides, all these things are already legislated upon, and some are even subject to supra-national agreements that politicians have signed without the bothersome process of having to go to the country. Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be for those to be renegotiated on the flimsy premise that the electorate don't like them? By Christ, it would cause an argument and the ligging opportunities would dry up pretty damn quick.
No, it's better left as it is. For everybody concerned ... in Westminster.
Those million people who marched on London to stop the war in Iraq? Nutters, all. The consistent majority who don't want a comprehensive smoking ban? Loopy. The million or so who disagreed with road pricing on the e-petitions site? Barking.
The cheek of it, what do they know? Did they learn about demographics and vote maximisation? Did they climb the greasy political pole? Did they suck up to some old codger at turgid conferences so they might be well regarded in selection committee circles?
No! So they should jolly well sit down and shut up, then.
The bloody public, eh? Always trying to muscle in on what politicians have decided is best for them. For crying out loud, some of them even believe that because they pay a barrowload of taxes they should be entitled to dictate how it is spent! I mean, really, the nerve.
Why can't they just be happy with having no real choice once every five years, the ungrateful bastards.
UPDATE: Paul Flynn, who campaigns for relaxing of drug laws and rails against the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, says this about those who share a different view to his.
"Take defeat gracefully. The smoking ban has been a great succes."I think that translates as 'sit down and shut up, I'm an MP doncha know'.