Drafting A Birmingham Smokefree Streets Consultation Response

Regular readers will remember that we often get involved in public sector consultations on issues we discuss on these pages. We haven't done one of these for a while but there is a consultation out now for such a crassly stupid idea that it'd be rude not to have your say.

A hospital plans to make the streets around it a smoke-free zone - asking people not to light up in nearby roads. 

The Birmingham Children's Hospital site has been smoke-free since 2005, but the trust now hopes to deter smoking on Steelhouse Lane and Whittall Street. 

People would be asked to "adhere voluntarily" the trust said, adding fixed penalty notices were not being considered. 

The plans are subject to a six-week public consultation.

In case you're confused, yes this does refer to publicly-owned streets - which are not hospital property - surrounding the premises, and not publicly-owned hospital premises. You and I pay for both so the ridiculous morons who run the place should have no right banning legal products outdoors in or on either, but they are actually proposing putting signs up prohibiting smoking (and vaping) here.

You know, on roads with cars and buses and stuff. Here's a Street View of one of the roads in question .. which also happens to contain the packed hospital car park and a six level multi-storey one. I kid you not!

Snowdon and Barnesy have both written good explanations of why this is superlatively laughable, but then the sheer cretinous stupidity of such an idea should be obvious. Yet it seems to have eluded the obviously bored and underworked staff at Birmingham Childrens Hospital. So absurd is this plan that it almost seems designed to illustrate how pathetically ludicrous and wasteful 'public health' and NHS management has become via the medium of parody. But, d'you know I think the fucktards are serious?

So let's get stuck into the consultation, shall we? Usual rules apply, these are just suggestions, so use them as a guide should you choose or just express yourself in your own style.

How strongly do you feel that Birmingham Children's Hospital should be trying to reduce smoking around the hospital?:  

 Support it strongly
 Support it
 Don't mind
 Against it
 Strongly against it

Strongly against, obviously. You see, I believe (and call me old-fashioned if you will) that a children's hospital should be spending all its time and resources TREATING SICK KIDS INSTEAD OF EMBARKING ON POINTLESS ANTI-SMOKER BULLSHIT.

I'd go further and say that whichever dribbling rubber band-flicking tax thief dreamed up this proposal is a cretin who should be fired for criminally wasting funds provided for the benefit of children in their care.

What are your views on a smoke-free zone outside of Birmingham Children's Hospital?: 

 Support it strongly
 Support it
 Don't mind
 Against it
 Strongly against it

Again, strongly against. What the fuck has it got to do with the hospital management what people do on the streets which border their obviously cash-stuffed premises? I note that one can reach the place via bus, train and tram quite easily. If any member of their staff agrees with this idea but drives to work, they are quite astounding fucking hypocrites .. oh and should also be sacked, of course.

Should the zone apply to e-Cigarettes?: 

 Support it applying to e-cigarettes
 Don't mind
 Against it applying to e-cigarettes

They've surely got to be having a laugh, yes?

Should an outdoor smoking ban on property you don't own include something that isn't smoking? Er, no. pic.twitter.com/oKdd5eGVg3

— Christopher Snowdon (@cjsnowdon) August 3, 2016

Quite.

It's also worth mentioning that this is in polar contravention of advice given by Public Health England a couple of weeks ago. I know this is becoming a theme, but if the management of the hospital were not aware of this they are woefully incompetent and should be receiving their P45.

What do you think about the proposed boundaries?: 

 The size should be reduced
 About right
 The size should be increased

No option to say that it shouldn't exist, so we'll have to choose "should be reduced". There is a handy comment box provided though, in which you can explain why it should be reduced to such a small area that it fits up the arse of whoever proposed the daft scheme quite snugly.

Should people be informed about the zone using signs?: 

 Yes
 No

No of course not. No-one should know about it because it should remain some hospital administrator's private wank fantasy.

Should members of the public ask people to stop smoking in the zone?: 

 Yes
 No

Quite obviously no! Because they are legal products being used where they cause harm to no-one. A hospital actually considering encouraging people to wag their finger at people they don't know for doing something legal in a legal setting is criminally irresponsible and almost seems like they're trying to create business for the grown-ups hospital down the road.

I mean, how very fucking stupid are these people?

Should members of staff ask people to stop smoking in the zone?: 

 Yes
 No

No! Members of staff should - as the name of the hospital implies - be treating sick kids or acting to facilitate the treatment of sick kids, not nagging smokers on a public street.

Should there be a risk of a fine if someone is caught smoking?: 

 Yes
 No

No. There cannot possibly be a risk of a fine if someone is caught because there is no law against it and neither the hospital nor the council has enforcement powers to issue one. Again, whoever thought this even a possibility is an incompetent waste of taxpayer funds and should be dismissed immediately and their pension forfeited.

If you saw someone smoking outside the hospital currently, how comfortable would you feel about asking them to smoke elsewhere?:  

 I would be very comfortable
 I would be comfortable
 I would be uncomfortable
 I would be very uncomfortable

Very uncomfortable because I'm not a cunt. I can't speak for the repulsive people this policy would appeal to though.

Do you feel that a smoke-free zone would make you feel more comfortable in asking people to move?: 

 Yes
 No

Erm why? Do these people not have legs? Can they not move themselves? What a quite staggeringly arrogant attitude that is! Smokers should be asked to move because some loathsome, effete, entitled, lazy carcass can't be arsed to keep away from something which mildly displeases them?

Where should signage be put up?: 

 On entrances to the zone
 Throughout the zone
 Inside the hospital

Nowhere, but there's no option for that. Do you think these wankers may have already made up their minds?

Section Four: What sort of images and messages should any signage contain?

Locations of places to smoke? : 

 Yes
 No

Yes, I have an idea. How about the streets outside the hospital and the fucking car park inside too!

How to contact stop smoking services?: 

 Yes
 No

What's the point? The NCSCT advises that e-cigs should be encouraged at those places but the hospital wants those banned too. Fucking morons.

Consequences of smoking on your own health?: 

 Yes
 No

This is 2016, not 1962. Stop wasting our money and go do something useful, for crying out loud.

Consequences of smoking to patients?: 

 Yes
 No

On a street? Outside? Nil.

Hard hitting visual images?: 

 Yes
 No

Always gets back to the gore porn doesn't it? What is it about the health profession that they are so interested in perversion? I think they should talk to their colleagues in psychotherapy.

Children's hand-drawn images?: 

 Yes
 No

Always wanting the kids to wave shrouds for them, aren't they? No, obviously. Because kids don't understand the argument and using children to do your dirty work is a disgrace.

There is one last comment box where you can let them know precisely what you think of the proposed policy.

Do you have any other comments about how we can create a smoke-free experience around our hospital for our patients and families?:

The simple answer to this is that they can't. It is not illegal to smoke on a street, nor should it ever be; there is no ban possible because the hospital does not control land outside its premises, this should be obvious; and even if they did, the NHS does not have, and will hopefully never have, powers to enforce fines for legal activity.

Oh, and did I say that whoever thought up the policy is wasting time and money and should be fired? I did? Good.

So that's about it. Do go here and submit your responses, it only takes a few minutes. Let's see what comes of it when they report back. And if they don't, a FOI will be very much in order, doncha think?