Ladies and gentlemen. We have a contest of heavyweight proportion for you, as a challenger for the title of "Top Local Authority Illiberal Fucknuts and Assorted Arrogant Ladybits" has emerged.
In the blue, red and green corner, we have the current Champions, Brighton & Hove, whose previous heavy-hitting in this category have included banning (deep breath) patio heaters, dogs, carrier bags, music, keep-fit clubs, estate agents' boards, signs on trees and supermarket alcohol.
They recently beefed up their credentials by evicting a guy from a cave he had lived in for 16 years because it only had one entrance and exit. Their prior attempts to interfere in the life of someone who was causing no harm to anyone had foundered, despite their accusing him of running an illegal shop (someone bought some sprouts) and keeping chickens and bees.
Perhaps they thought this latest piece of world class meddling might discourage pretenders to their throne, but not so.
In the blue, red and yellow corner is the challenger, Kirklees Council. Not yet as experienced in the martial art of breath-taking fuckwittery, but hungry for notoriety and learning fast.
Fresh from extending environ-mentalism to the dead ...
Grieving relatives have been left distraught after a council banned them from dressing loved ones in their favourite outfits in a crackdown on pollution.
It means an end to people being cremated wearing their football shirts, or parents placing soft toys in children's coffins.
One man, who did not want to be named, was shocked to find his relative could not wear the 100 per cent cotton outfit she had chosen before she died.
He said: 'We knew it had to be natural fibres so she chose a top and slip that was 100 per cent cotton.
'But when the funeral director came we were told she would have to wear a special shroud. He pulled out a swatch of different colours to choose from.
'We didn't know what it looked like and when we went to see her in the chapel of rest, we couldn't believe it.
'It was all fluffy and frilly. The deceased would not have wanted to have been seen dead in it - unfortunately she was.'
... they have now excelled themselves in wasting thousands of pounds attempting to prosecute over a 14 month old baby dropping a sweet wrapper.
Larissa Wilkinson, 19, appeared at Crown Court accused of 'depositing controlled waste' after her misdemeanour was reported by a passer-by last March.
She was driving her Fiat Punto in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire, when her niece, Lyla Henderson, picked up the wrapper from her car seat and dropped it from the window.
Miss Wilkinson's number plate was immediately taken down and handed to Kirklees Council who later issued her with a fixed penalty notice for £75.
Finally, in February this year, they sent her a court summons charging her with dropping litter from a vehicle and demanded she appear before magistrates in Huddersfield.
The case was adjourned and after two further appearances she chose to be tried by a jury at Crown Court, as is her right under British law.
It's a battle between an experienced, jaw-dropping local dictatorship, and a young and eager challenger keen to exhibit the very worst that British humanity can offer.
What will worry Brighton, though, is the astonishing adherence to indefensible public-bashing exhibited by Kirklees.
A spokesman for Kirklees Council defended its extraordinary actions.
He said: 'The judge at Bradford Crown Court felt that it couldn't be classed as controlled waste and his view has been noted.
Translation: He may be 'the judiciary', and his word is final, but he irritates us. This won't derail our crusade to criminalise every taxpayer we encounter, though.
'It was always the intention of the local authority that this matter would be dealt with in the Magistrates' Court.
'However, Miss Wilkinson herself chose to have the matter heard in the Crown Court.'
Translation: It's not our fault we wasted over £5,000 on this, it's hers. How dare she use her statutory right to complain!
OK, flippancy mode off for a minute. Two things are deeply worrying here. Firstly, as has become customary, it is yet again a fucking snoopy, self-righteous, hideous cunt of a citizen who has taken time out of their sad, curtain-twitching existence to anonymously and vindictively report this 'offence' (complete with hastily-scribbled registration number) to the disgusting knob-jockeys at Kirklees council.
Secondly, how does one go about kicking these shits out of power? Who on earth do you vote for if you are in the Brighton or Kirklees catchment area?
Conservative, Labour, Liberal Democrat, and even the Greens, are equally to blame for such weapons grade cuntishness.
Seriously, unless some decency is suggested to - no, demanded from - these local authority cock-sockets, such overarching authoritarianism will continue unabated.
Maybe one of the predominantly Conservative, Labour, or Liberal Democrat MPs in Westmonster might propose such a measure someday.
You spotted the flaw in my reverie, then? Yes, we are fucked. And I mean, truly fucked. Forever.
