Friday, 19 June 2009

Let's Get Ready To Rumble


Ladies and gentlemen. We have a contest of heavyweight proportion for you, as a challenger for the title of "Top Local Authority Illiberal Fucknuts and Assorted Arrogant Ladybits" has emerged.

In the blue, red and green corner, we have the current Champions, Brighton & Hove, whose previous heavy-hitting in this category have included banning (deep breath) patio heaters, dogs, carrier bags, music, keep-fit clubs, estate agents' boards, signs on trees and supermarket alcohol.

They recently beefed up their credentials by evicting a guy from a cave he had lived in for 16 years because it only had one entrance and exit. Their prior attempts to interfere in the life of someone who was causing no harm to anyone had foundered, despite their accusing him of running an illegal shop (someone bought some sprouts) and keeping chickens and bees.

Perhaps they thought this latest piece of world class meddling might discourage pretenders to their throne, but not so.

In the blue, red and yellow corner is the challenger, Kirklees Council. Not yet as experienced in the martial art of breath-taking fuckwittery, but hungry for notoriety and learning fast.

Fresh from extending environ-mentalism to the dead ...

Grieving relatives have been left distraught after a council banned them from dressing loved ones in their favourite outfits in a crackdown on pollution.
It means an end to people being cremated wearing their football shirts, or parents placing soft toys in children's coffins.

One man, who did not want to be named, was shocked to find his relative could not wear the 100 per cent cotton outfit she had chosen before she died.

He said: 'We knew it had to be natural fibres so she chose a top and slip that was 100 per cent cotton.

'But when the funeral director came we were told she would have to wear a special shroud. He pulled out a swatch of different colours to choose from.
'We didn't know what it looked like and when we went to see her in the chapel of rest, we couldn't believe it.

'It was all fluffy and frilly. The deceased would not have wanted to have been seen dead in it - unfortunately she was.'

... they have now excelled themselves in wasting thousands of pounds attempting to prosecute over a 14 month old baby dropping a sweet wrapper.

Larissa Wilkinson, 19, appeared at Crown Court accused of 'depositing controlled waste' after her misdemeanour was reported by a passer-by last March.

She was driving her Fiat Punto in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire, when her niece, Lyla Henderson, picked up the wrapper from her car seat and dropped it from the window.

Miss Wilkinson's number plate was immediately taken down and handed to Kirklees Council who later issued her with a fixed penalty notice for £75.

Finally, in February this year, they sent her a court summons charging her with dropping litter from a vehicle and demanded she appear before magistrates in Huddersfield.

The case was adjourned and after two further appearances she chose to be tried by a jury at Crown Court, as is her right under British law.

It's a battle between an experienced, jaw-dropping local dictatorship, and a young and eager challenger keen to exhibit the very worst that British humanity can offer.

What will worry Brighton, though, is the astonishing adherence to indefensible public-bashing exhibited by Kirklees.

A spokesman for Kirklees Council defended its extraordinary actions.

He said: 'The judge at Bradford Crown Court felt that it couldn't be classed as controlled waste and his view has been noted.

Translation: He may be 'the judiciary', and his word is final, but he irritates us. This won't derail our crusade to criminalise every taxpayer we encounter, though.

'It was always the intention of the local authority that this matter would be dealt with in the Magistrates' Court.

'However, Miss Wilkinson herself chose to have the matter heard in the Crown Court.'

Translation: It's not our fault we wasted over £5,000 on this, it's hers. How dare she use her statutory right to complain!

OK, flippancy mode off for a minute. Two things are deeply worrying here. Firstly, as has become customary, it is yet again a fucking snoopy, self-righteous, hideous cunt of a citizen who has taken time out of their sad, curtain-twitching existence to anonymously and vindictively report this 'offence' (complete with hastily-scribbled registration number) to the disgusting knob-jockeys at Kirklees council.

Secondly, how does one go about kicking these shits out of power? Who on earth do you vote for if you are in the Brighton or Kirklees catchment area?

Conservative, Labour, Liberal Democrat, and even the Greens, are equally to blame for such weapons grade cuntishness.

Seriously, unless some decency is suggested to - no, demanded from - these local authority cock-sockets, such overarching authoritarianism will continue unabated.

Maybe one of the predominantly Conservative, Labour, or Liberal Democrat MPs in Westmonster might propose such a measure someday.

You spotted the flaw in my reverie, then? Yes, we are fucked. And I mean, truly fucked. Forever.




19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dick, I can only assume there are no comments because EEEERRRRGGGHHH

TheBigYin said...

I havn't clicked on the links because I know what I'll be met with, more shit than I can handle these days by elected morons by morons. How far down the road to loonyville will these despotic councils go...Oh, their already there apparently!

Helen said...

This is so sad and so infuriating. What on earth are they doing to our country? Are they doing it on purpose to make us angry? I'm really starting to wonder.

I was only compaining today after hearing about the schools where pupils were being made to wear goggles when using Blue Tack!

marley said...

funny when I was a kid we preferred to flick drawing pins at each other. 'blue tack' - soft arses.

Anonymous said...

The dead of Kirklees deserve what they get as they must have voted in the idiots ?
Is it Lib Dem controlled or Labour ? Whatever the good people of the area voted them in.

Gandhi said...

Brighton have some skill, let me tell you:
Brighton to ban ‘murder music’ in clampdown on hate artists
Practically speaking they banned black/Jamaican music

Anonymous said...

Kirklees West Yorkshire
Myra Hindleys favourite
picnic spot.
Dr Harold Shipmans favourite
rambling area

Red Rose (ManMade)

captainff said...

Hooray for the large number of Green councilors in Brighton and Hove pushing forward the Green agenda. Not.


Communal wheelie bins and resident's parking permits for every street, bus lanes and one way systems fucking up the traffic flow, these are other 'achievements' of the council.

jpe bloggs said...

That "passer-by" needs hunting down and killing.

Ian B said...

When my mum died 2 years ago, the funeral director mentioned they'd soon be banning clothes for the deceased, so this isn't such a surprise, desperately sad as it is.

Come to that, so far as I know, me and my sister broke the law by scattering her ashes at the mouth of the Mersey without a permit. I daresay if some prodnose has seen and reported us, we'd have ended up in all kinds of trouble for polluting the Irish Sea with a few ounces of ash.

Henry North London said...

Kirklees is riddled with Common Purpose Graduates.

WV spion

Chris F J Cyrnik said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris F J Cyrnik said...

What a sick little bilge pump of a country we’re turning into. Now, I’m not typing this right now because I’m all strapped up nice and tight in a straight jacket, that’s because of this piece by Dick Puddlecote, I just cut loose and had to be restrained! So, a very nice lady is typing this…and as you can imagine…that since I can’t use my hands, that’s not all she’s doing for me.

Presumably the walking shit-bucket who saw the ‘offence’ taking place, must have seen the tiny hand holding the sweet wrapper, and could have found sufficient empathy within themselves to exercise just a little discretion. It appears that decency within British society is a fast diminishing commodity.

But good on Larissa Wilkinson for exercising her right under British law to be tried by a jury, and successfully defend herself against the heinous crime of …wait for it…dropping a Murray Mint wrapper, also known as ‘depositing controlled waste’. Even poor Judge Scott was perplexed at a sweet wrapper being called ‘controlled waste’.

Dick, I want you to arrange to have the head of Kirklees Council brought to my ward at my local nut-bin (details to follow), where we can role him up into a big ugly ball…then have fun bouncing him off the four walls of my rubber room!

In the meantime it’s back to my anger management…I’ve got some 20 stone lug hurling breeze blocks into the air while I practice my head butt!

Anonymous said...

Dick, and they wonder why the British people are baying for blood with the Corruption, cheating, thieving, that went on with the MPS. They get F**cking counselling and think "sorry" is acceptable. Not acceptable for the drones thought is it, the injustice in this Country stinks more everyday.
The injustice always seems to be worse where commonpurpose has a hold.
As for the green party, the electric chair would be too good for some of them, DDT, millions of deaths, anyone get a court case with that one?
mandyv

Mr A. said...

You see, this is why I'm against having more power at a local level. Keep it at Westminster! Why? Because if an MP proclaims parks are now only to be used by "the pure" and smokers are banned and single men are banned (as they are probably paedophiles (I can't remember which Council came up with this gem)) they'd be roundly pilloried by the National Press. But if some brainless Super-Righteous comes up with this in the Council, they remain anonymous. Who reports on it? The Shittington Gazette? The Nationals may mention it but they won't make a big deal of a local issue, especially when there is so much of this madness around.

Then how do you vote them out? Margaret Moran is a thieving bitch? Great, put pressure on her! Your Local Council comes up with some new piece of illiberal fuckwittery, then who is to blame? How can you change it?

Nah, power at a local level should be reduced, if anything. Our MPs may be bad but local Government is full of righteous who are too stupid and too extreme to make it to the national level. They should mend the roads, pick up rubbish and provide libraries etc, and that's it! Anything resembing a Diktat from a Local Councillor should be met with a quick sacking and public humiliation.

Bearwitch said...

I hate litterbugs. I would rather carry my cig butt or rubbish for a while till a suitable receptacle can be found to deposit it than throw it on the ground. I would like to see others do the same.

However, the day that I report anyone for dropping litter is the day that I expect someone to lock me up and throw away the key, thus ridding the streets in this country of yet another self righteous do-gooder.

banned said...

Slightly o/t, a school is reported to have banned play foam, not just in case a child might slip on it which might be fair enough, but in case said child slips and drowns in it. FFS !

Bearwitch said...

A colleague of mine brought up a really good point today regarding the sweet wrapper. Some idiot took down the number plate and reported it. So is that it? No defence? No proof? Your word against another person's?

Does this mean that you can report anyone for a 'crime' and it is not investigated - just a fine immediately issued on the 'say so' of a passer by?

worrying thought

BTS said...

Could have some fun with that though Bear..