The Labour Nannyfesto (click to enlarge)
In the spirit of openness, I am declaring an interest here.
It's only right to point out, as I urge - in fact, plead with - all and sundry not to vote Labour tomorrow, that I truly despise them. With every bone in my body. Just the thought of waking up on Friday with Brown and Clegg beaming outside number 10 makes me want to chew my knuckles off.
That's why I, personally, wouldn't vote for them. But, why should you not vote for the British political equivalent of genital warts (as if it should really need explaining)?
Well, His Grace points to all the high-fallutin' reasons but, as I've mentioned before, I've been dubbed a blogosphere tabloid writer so you probably don't come here for clever stuff like that.
Instead, let's start by going all unashamedly tabloid (Daily Sport, even).
For a start, they want to BAN YOUR DAILY TITS!
SIXTEEN Page 3 Girls in all their glory represent the very image of freedom in this country. But if Labour or the Lib Dems win the election, this could be the last time they are allowed to pose together.Dullard wastrel Labour tweeters and pompous Graun commenters are very condescending about this. It's an irrelevance, they say, and even if it could happen in the future, they pull the Ed Balls line. So what? They, personally, wouldn't be bothered one way or another, so where's the problem?
MPs Harriet Harman and Lynne Featherstone will move swiftly to change the law and ban Page 3 forever.
But there is a problem. They know full well that Harriet Harman and her fat lezzer friends would ban page 3 in a heartbeat if they could. Degrading to wimmin, innit. Either that, or the sight of a pair of boobs is likely to turn the chiiildren into predatory sex cases. They don't know how they're going to spin it yet, but the proof will be overwhelming when they do ... it damn well should be considering they will be paying a lot of your money for it.
Tiny issue it may be, but it's part of a Labour trend. All the pursuits enjoyed by the average working guy/girl, with whom I have associated for most of my life, are being systematically attacked by these joyless tax-spongers.
The smoking ban was a doozy for Labour. What a great trick that was, punishing the working man for his love of tobacco while simultaneously killing off those nasty little pubs which he used to enjoy. No wonder they were puffing their chests and preening themselves when they passed that one. It must have been high fives all round at Millbank before celebrating over a skinny latte and oyster salad at the nearest highly-polished gastropub.
There are some wet-led pubs still struggling along, but Labour's ban on happy hour, and promotions designed to increase trade, will soon put a stop to that if they are re-elected.
They wouldn't actually dream of going to a working man's pub themselves, you understand, far too lowbrow. But they 'saved' the proles from a life that they used to enjoy. All those 'health inequalities' extinguished in one fell swoop was too tempting to resist. Who cares if enjoyment of life, itself, is diminished? They were making the wrong choices ... ones which Labour don't enjoy, and that just won't do.
Because the mentality of a Pinot-sipping Guardianista is that the best way of tackling the unhealthy choices of the working class is by eradicating such choices altogether. Why would they need them anyway? There's always that delightful Pret a Manger round the corner, and instead of a pint and a cigarette, the modern day Marie Antionettes suggest they should try the delights of sushi and Kirsch.
You see, smokers don't enjoy a cigarette, Labour tell us, they just think they do. Much as the road worker who breathes in bitumen fumes every day thinks he likes a mid morning blowout breakfast at the Turkish caff. He'd be much more likely to enjoy a cannellini bean wrap, like Labour do. So it's Labour's job to ensure that those foods are off the menu.
MacDonalds has to go, too. We can't have kids growing up eating affordable things that they find tasty, especially not if they are sold by a multi-national conglomerate despised by lefties worldwide. Nope, carrot sticks and de-sugared fruit smoothies it will have to be. They're all the rage in Islington, doncha know? And any whiff of child-friendly food in schools must be taken off the menu, too. Hypocritical mockney cock, Comrade Oliver, is all over that like a rash - the £1bn spent so far is well worth it if it produces a future full of pallid beanstalk bores in the image of Kerry fucking McCarthy.
Of course, there will always be those who resist, so packed lunches must be monitored to prevent non-compliance with Labour diktat. As Brendan O'Neill points out in an excellent Speccie article, this leads us onto a related matter. That of personal privacy and self-determination.
We can’t put sweets in our children’s lunch boxes. Such items are increasingly being confiscated as contraband under the government Obesity Strategy’s ‘healthy lunch box policy’. Even the lunch box, that special bond between a parent and child when they are parted during the day, has been invaded and colonised by New Labour.Compliance must be all-encompassing in a country filled with people who Labour consider to be homogenous.
No exceptions, no exemptions, and no considered decisions allowed by anyone but Labour wonks in their 'progressive' ivory towers. Education isn't the chosen tool because that would make people think - a dangerous scenario. Nope, only coercion will work to bring a future fair for all selfish, ideological, bansturbatory, anti-social Labour hoons.
A country moulded in the image of Mary Whitehouse. A life of unwavering allegiance to government directive, administered by an army of clipboard-wielding, state-paid prodnoses with ever-increasing powers to intrude on your life, work, and home. The new East Germany.
And all this before Labour bring in the full force of the EU cavalry about which we were refused the right to raise democratic objection.
As Tom Paine states, this should all end here. Tomorrow should be the day that we all reject the idea that the state has full control of our lives. Give Labour a fourth term and by 2015 they'll be telling you how you should be wiping your arse ... and I'm not kidding.
If you value any semblance of freedom or control of your own life and choices, you know what to do.
DON'T VOTE LABOUR tomorrow. Don't tactically vote if it gives Labour an advantage. Vote for the other two main parties if you must, but not if it helps Labour and certainly not if the candidate even hints that interfering in your life choices is something they would support.
Vote wise, and vote in the knowledge that this is the only chance we get before these hideous people go back to another 5 years of dictating how we are supposed to live in their laughable model of a free country.
Oh yeah, and did I mention that it's probably not a good idea to vote Labour?
pic H/T Mike Furby