Eurovision Live Blog

Sorry, it has to be done. Updating as we hear each piece of cheese.

Finland: Climate change crap and we're only one minute in. Sixth favourite apparently. Hope the guy walks into a wall on the way out.

Bosnia/Herzegovina: For one appalling moment, I thought he was going into 'Kung Fu Fighting' with the woah-oh-oh-oah lead-in. Sounds like something you'd hear at an ethnic Thomas Cook Turkish night. Reminds me to find that kebab menu.

Denmark: Looking good for Blue Jedward if this is in the top 10 according to the bookies. Worringly, Mrs P quite likes it. Sponsored by Brylcreem.

Lithuania: Signing while singing? Good fricking grief. Going for the 'aww bless' vote, obviously. Song stutters but fittest bird yet. Thumbs down from the female little P.

Hungary: Finally some legs with an 80s-esque female power ballad. Bonnie Tyler is sipping her tea and saying been there, done that.

Ireland: I always thought I despised Bros for their talentlessness until I saw this. Belongs as a theme tune on CBeebies, surely. Nope, second favourite. That's how very low we have sunk as a continent.

Sweden: 'Popular', and he certainly is with Mrs P, the smarmy good-looking git. Quite catchy but I'd prefer it if he stayed in that box.

Estonia: Now this, I like. Colourful and quite cute if one ignores the fact that the singer has unfortunately had her nose flattened by a dustbin lid. Thumping beat, and pretty men doing athletics. 25/1? Quite a price.

Greece: Operatic rap accompanied by fire jets? Like Il Divo and 50 cent at a posh Guy Fawkes display. What on Earth were they thinking?

Russia: Any of these guys (singing 'I'm going to get you) go near my daughter, I swear I'll do time. 100/1 for a reason. EDIT: Mrs P says lead singer looks like Chesney Hawkes ... whoever that is.

France: Scarily good and rightly favourite. A bit of mounting crescendo about it and something granny will sway to, but remember the juries (50% of the vote) have been told to look for a potential chart hit. Oh hold on, Susan Boyle shifted megabytes of iTunes sales in the US. Nailed on then.

Italy: Hand me a Pernod and a cigarette holder, I'm in a jazz club in Montmartre. Love it. That's why it's 250/1.

Switzerland: A proper pop song about love reminiscent of the soundtrack to a mobile phone ad crossed with 'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head'. Pretty girl and lots of bubbles. Melted me, anyways.

UK: Chippendales in trousers. Women and gays will love them. Did I mention that I saw Blue dropped off at Heathrow Terminal 5 last Friday on my way to Prague? Lucky Mrs P told me who the short arses being followed by overweight housewives were, isn't it?

Moldova: Coneheaded unicyclist says it all. Do me a favour.

Germany: Last year's winner has become more dark and mysterious. Still on a diet of lettuce, celery and air though, I see. Conceptual song isn't helped by men dancing in sperm costumes.

Romania: Change the world, yawn. It'll resonate though, sadly. Sung by a Durham-ite who should know better.

Austria: Classy. Thinks she's Whitney Houston. Best skirt so far. Thumbs positively up.

Azerbaijan: Aren't those falling sparks a bit of a fire hazard with so much chiffon on show? Forget the comment above, one decent skirt is far exceeded by four (or was it five). Didn't hear the song much.

Slovenia: Singer wearing chainmail and should stick to ice hockey. Where was the catchy chorus, FFS?

Iceland: Why is James Corden singing for another country? Lay off the pies sunshine and GIVE US OUR MONEY BACK!

Spain: 'They Can't Take The Fun Away From Me', it's called. If she popped round mine, I hope I could say the same. Sadly, it's a pedestrian song which even Black Lace would have balked at.

Ukraine: Clever use of the winner of the Ukraine's Got Talent who went viral last year. Unlike the sand story to a backdrop of an emotional tale she told to claim victory, musical bubble gum just doesn't do anything at all really. Deeply unstirred here.

Serbia: Don't know what they were singing, could have been about clubbing babies as far as I know, but I bloody loved it.

Georgia: Scary. And that was before the rap began. Was it improv?

Votes from the Puddlecote jury: 1st Switzerland, 2nd France, 3rd Sweden. As you can see, I'm swamped to the tune of 3 to 1.

Jeez, they don't half over-egg the voting pud, don't they? Fortunately, being old hat at these things, the fried chicken takeaway arrived at just the right time.

Our country just gave 12 points to Jedward. And there was me thinking our self-esteem couldn't sink any lower.

Polishing my nails for spotting the potential of the 250/1 runner up, but chiffon nighties will win the game every time.

UPDATE: Thanks to 'Go Nina Go' in the comments, here is what should have won, in English.