Damned If You Do ...

If, as old Blue Eyes used to hanker for, you ever do 'wake up in a city that never sleeps', it might be your best bet to just high-tail outta there pronto.

Because you just can't seem to win in health-obsessed New York these days. I mean, cycling must surely be a activity to be positively encouraged there, right? Err ...

Cycling while sexy could be hazardous to city motorists - just ask Jasmijn Rijcken.

The leggy Dutch tourist said she was pulled over by an NYPD cop for flashing too much skin while on two wheels.

"He said it's very disturbing, and it's distracting the cars and it's dangerous," Rijcken told the Daily News. "I thought he was joking around but he got angry and asked me for ID."

Personally, I'd say it was more of a crime to cover them up, but hey. Fortunately, she didn't receive a fine in the end, but this woman did in April.

A Nightingale-Bamford School executive was pulled over by a cop while cycling on Columbus Avenue and slapped with a ticket for -- of all things -- pedaling with a tote bag strapped to her handlebars.

Claire Lecomte du Nouy, 38, the dean of students at the exclusive prep academy on East 92nd Street, said at first she thought the cop was just yanking her chain.

Having ridden a bike for five years in New York, Lecomte du Nouy said she couldn't understand how the city -- which is supposedly trying to encourage cycling -- would hit bike riders with frivolous tickets.

It would seem that no smoking in parks is just the half of it in Bloomberg's New York. That particular law is nothing more than an extension to the absurd bullying of just about everyone who lives, or visits, the godawful place.