Thursday, 9 June 2011

State As Father ... etc

£65,738 per annum for an MP? Cheap at half the price. I mean, where else would you get service like this, eh?

Chris Ruane (Vale of Clwyd, Labour)

To ask the Secretary of State for Health if he will publish a recommended average daily distance a healthy person should walk.
Because if there's one thing that we can't decide for ourselves - and on which we desperately require guidance from government - it's how much we should be walking per day.

You see, we homogenous automatons really need this stuff, and no mistake. Being quite astonishingly incapable of even the most basic of tasks, we would no doubt drop dead in a matter of months without a governmental policy on walking.

Perhaps there should be a network of local authority 'Ambulatory Advisers' to offer walking workshops or pedestrian drop-in centres. We could even have a walking czar to make sure we all get our 500 yards a day. Or something.

Or maybe there are more pressing problems.

Gordon Birtwistle (Burnley, Liberal Democrat)

To ask the Secretary of State for Health if he will bring forward proposals to prevent youths harassing adults outside shops in order to encourage them to buy cigarettes for those youths.
Yes indeed. A new law is definitely required. Spot fines for anyone under the age of 18 loitering outside a sweet shop.

Think of the job creation opportunities here. Instead of just having the balls to say "fuck off" ourselves, we could employ people to exhibit guts on our behalf.

How joyous would our country be if we didn't have to sort out our own lives, eh? Delegate it all to the state and just watch humanity's potential soar.

£65k is top value for money if it means such vitally important questions are being asked, doncha think?

Good grief.


Anonymous said...

They already have Ambulatory Advisors in San Francisco. Several times per month they schedule street closures on weekends, calling it "Health Ways". The imprisoned denizens of these neighborhoods, locked down since cars are banned, are forced to endure "health advisors" who set up booths in the streets and train citizens on the proper ways to eat and exercise. It's entirely at taxpayer expense, part of the regular city budget.

Anonymous said...

Walk! Are they insane? God gave me two feet; one for the clutch and one for the accelerator.

Woodsy42 said...

I live on a slight hill. Please can I have a large grant to calculate the modifications needed to maintain the recommended dose of walking in non-level environments?

Bucko said...

Walking? Erm..... Fuck!

Dick Puddlecote said...

Woodsy: Get with the programme, wally! You really must start understanding that we're all the same - individuality is so last decade. Your circumstances are irrelevant, they know everything they need to dictate how you live your life.

The computer model told them, d'you see?

Twisted Root said...

They are called walking coordinators not ambulatory advisors. Google it, thay really do exist.

JuliaM said...

I'm slowly but surely beginning to believe we're doomed as a nation...

Anonymous said...

We exercise too much. A friend of mine runs marathons. He's always going on about "runner's high." He goes 26 miles for it. I smoke and drink. I get the same feeling from two flights of stairs.

Anonymous said...

On 'yer fkin bike!

PJH said...

"£65k is top value for money if it means such vitally important questions are being asked, doncha think?"

Does this £65K include all the £156s for a written question or £425s for oral questions?

(I'll leave out the rhetorical question about expenses.)