Will Somebody Please Think Of The Goldfish!

In the relentless quest to mould their city into the most hideously miserable jurisdiction on the planet, San Francisco's left-sprinting collection of former hippies - whose teen angst intellect has been ossified by years of THC abuse - last year came up with a cunning plan.

Sell a guinea pig, go to jail.

That's the law under consideration by San Francisco's Commission of Animal Control and Welfare. If the commission approves the ordinance at its meeting tonight, San Francisco could soon have what is believed to be the country's first ban on the sale of all pets except fish.

That includes dogs, cats, hamsters, mice, rats, chinchillas, guinea pigs, birds, snakes, lizards and nearly every other critter, or, as the commission calls them, companion animals.

In the intervening period they've had a change of heart, though, but not in the way that the majority of us who don't live in some absurd communist hallucinatory dreamscape would expect.

San Francisco's ever-active Animal Control and Welfare Commission has renewed its push for a pet sale ban in the city - only this time, it even covers goldfish.

Not only that, its remit has been extended. After all, there is scope to imprison far more people than just pet shop owners, eh?

The proposed ban, which the commission just adopted after a year of study, was expanded to cover animal breeders as well as pet stores.

Presumably, all motivated by the same kind of effete ideology held by vacant insipid undergrads who declare that "animals are, like, better than people ... man".

Rumours of an upcoming San Fran draft bill making the wearing of foam-platformed sandals compulsory to protect snails in wet weather have yet to be confirmed.