Thursday, 22 January 2015

++Exclusive++ Party Political Address From David Cameron

I have managed to get hold a leaked copy of David Cameron's pre-election rabble-rouser. Remember you read these highlights here first.
When Nick and I held that jovial meeting in the garden of Number 10 back in May 2010, we made you a cast-iron promise. A "new politics". My deputy Prime Minister also promised to "roll back hard-won liberties"
That is why, as we stand on the cusp of an election in May, we have banned DVDs which show things we find rather icky; flirted with minimum pricing of alcohol but left Scotland to trial it for us; refused to rule out following Wales in banning plastic bags; added tax to pasties; banned smoking in your private property; sat silent as lefties attacked page 3; flew to France to express solidarity with Charlie Hebdo while jailing people who post jokes on Twitter; used the Charlie Hebdo massacre to resurrect the Snoopers Charter; and now have bravely stood in favour of your liberties by my Conservative Party being ... 
{Drum Roll} 
... the only party to promise plain packaging of tobacco despite wholesale rejection by the public and a total lack of credible evidence that it will work. Well, the only party if you don't count Labour and Nick's Lib Dems who also want to do the same, but you get the idea. 
That's our "new politics", you see, the one all of us in the mainstream parties agree on. It might look the same as the old shit but it's done in such a more polished way, I think you'll agree. We used to take your liberties mildly and in an unobtrusive way; now we do it openly and don't give a fuck what you think. Serves you bastards right for pulling us up on our expenses, really. Keep your noses out next time, OK? 
Any hoo, I trust we can look forward to your vote in the upcoming election?
At this election you have a clear choice. Vote Labour who hate you, vote Lib Dem who despise you, or you can vote for us, the Conservatives, who just think you're snotty oiks who can't be trusted as far as we can throw our chauffeur. 
Vote Conservative! Vote "slightly less disgusting than the others"! 
Makes a great case not to vote UKIP, doesn't he? 


Bucko TheMoose said...

Well aint that the freakin truth

truckerlyn said...

I will NEVER vote for any of the 3 main parties again, it will be UKIP all the way for me! Nigel, do your damnedest to bury the corrupt morons we have at present and their wannabee 'mates'. PLEASE!!!

Sam Duncan said...

Makes a great case for stringing the bugger up from the nearest lamp-post, more like, if you ask me. I have long since come to terms with the fact that I had him totally wrong during the leadership campaign and he was lying through his teeth, but he's just taking the piss now, isn't he?

gray cooper said...

All political leaflets in the election must be delivered in brown envelopes with no logo. Political parties can only use the colour brown on their banners giving them a taste of their own medicine. Tax money cannot be used.

right_writes said...

"Makes a great case not to vote UKIP, doesn't he? "

This reminds me of Peter Cook, who when informed by the person he was meeting, that this person was writing a book...

Peter Cook would reply... "Yes... Neither am I"

So I won't be voting UKIP either.... Like you. :)

truckerlyn said...

Exactly! So much for his 'manifesto' in the run up to the last election, where he was going to roll back much of the nannying! How much has it increased since 2010? Exactly why no-one with a brain should consider voting for them or labour or lib dems; they all lie through their teeth in the run up to elections, only producing their REAL manifesto when they win!