When Nick and I held that jovial meeting in the garden of Number 10 back in May 2010, we made you a cast-iron promise. A "new politics". My deputy Prime Minister also promised to "roll back hard-won liberties".
That is why, as we stand on the cusp of an election in May, we have banned DVDs which show things we find rather icky; flirted with minimum pricing of alcohol but left Scotland to trial it for us; refused to rule out following Wales in banning plastic bags; added tax to pasties; banned smoking in your private property; sat silent as lefties attacked page 3; flew to France to express solidarity with Charlie Hebdo while jailing people who post jokes on Twitter; used the Charlie Hebdo massacre to resurrect the Snoopers Charter; and now have bravely stood in favour of your liberties by my Conservative Party being ...
... the only party to promise plain packaging of tobacco despite wholesale rejection by the public and a total lack of credible evidence that it will work. Well, the only party if you don't count Labour and Nick's Lib Dems who also want to do the same, but you get the idea.
That's our "new politics", you see, the one all of us in the mainstream parties agree on. It might look the same as the old shit but it's done in such a more polished way, I think you'll agree. We used to take your liberties mildly and in an unobtrusive way; now we do it openly and don't give a fuck what you think. Serves you bastards right for pulling us up on our expenses, really. Keep your noses out next time, OK?
Any hoo, I trust we can look forward to your vote in the upcoming election?
At this election you have a clear choice. Vote Labour who hate you, vote Lib Dem who despise you, or you can vote for us, the Conservatives, who just think you're snotty oiks who can't be trusted as far as we can throw our chauffeur.
Vote Conservative! Vote "slightly less disgusting than the others"!
Makes a great case not to vote UKIP, doesn't he?