A Message To The Australian People

With all due respect, cobbers, it's not just your government and health lobby who are insane. If comments at this article are representative, the overwhelming majority of you are too.

We knew back in the long distant past that we weren't exactly sending the brightest of our society down there, but even those ancestors of yours would surely be mortally embarrassed at the almost backward intellect of people who are unable to understand an undeniable truth borne out by centuries of history. That prohibition quite simply doesn't - and can never because of basic human nature - work.

An upside-down jewel robber - who is obviously hellishly living amongst the terminally vacant - often sends links to antipodean articles with comments which she feels well suited to our database of knuckleheaded crazies, but you're taking the piss now Australia. There's no prize, you know. No incentive for cornering the market in neanderthal-esque anti-smoking nutjobbery. It's just a bit of fun to point out how jaw-droppingly myopic you are.

You see - and this may be news to people who have quite obviously no concept of life outside riding sea-resistant ironing boards and complaining about Vietnamese taxi drivers - the US found out to their self-inflicted cost that prohibition hands immense succour to new, err, businesses which tend to become eternally powerful.

Now, while you're all safely far enough away that drive-by shootings and bloody gang warfare on the streets of Sydney don't worry me too much, I do feel for the small contingent of your fellow citizens who do possess some understanding of life. And while there is always the future possibility of a lucrative Aussie film industry producing reality-based gangster gore-fests, it's not the best way of selfishly ensuring that your limp-wristed sensibilities aren't encumbered by a minor irritant.

To think you used to market yourselves as rugged, eh?

On the plus side, it's good to know that the country which used to boast monster-like Lillee, Hughes and Warne is now so effete that The Ashes is sorted in our favour, possibly for good. Future Aussie teams will doubtless brick themselves having to leave teddy behind and face opponents who aren't just there to tickle their delicate tums, watched uncomfortably by fortunates in Earls Court who have managed to escape your country's moisturised and bubble-wrapped madness.

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