Feel The Burn, It's Natural

The weekend saw the Convention on Modern Liberty ignite into life, only to fizzle away like a sparkler banned from an organised fireworks display ("Sorry, Sir, health and safety you understand") once it became clear that the whole shebang was just a collection of left-leaning oddballs clearing their throats.

I'd ventured to London for a couple of meetings that co-incided, hence nothing here over the weekend, but having returned from a funeral today (non-smoking non-drinker, cancer, 56) and had a look around, there is no change in the relentless cockwaffle from the Righteous.

Those charged with our well-being used to 'feel your pain'. Now they just want you to feel pain in their relentless march towards an unattainable ideal.

Mothers face crackdown on epidural births

The authors of Making Normal Birth a Reality argue that better facilities and access to dedicated midwives would make women more confident and less likely to request epidurals. In line with NCT (National Childbirth Trust) teaching, they say that breathing correctly, assuming the right position and pushing at the right time reduce pain and the need for epidurals.

The National Chilbirth Trust are the ones that say a birth isn't 'natural' unless the mother has popped the sprog out, along with her eyeballs, after suffering pain the equivalent of being sandwiched between the All Blacks rugby squad, and a speeding Vauxhall Vectra. Without any pain relief, and preferably in a birthing pool. Oh yeah, and if the mother doesn't breast-feed after all that trauma, she's the devil's whore.

As for caesarian section, that is the stuff of witchcraft, and thou shalt be burnt at the stake.

I knew a loudmouth mum that used to boast about how fucking great she was for doing just that, and of course berating every other mother who didn't want to go through it if there are modern alternatives to being split in two without even the assistance of an aspirin. She, of course, was a righteous prick who squealed like a stuck sow at the thought of a dentist's needle. You won't be surprised to learn that the irony was completely lost on the self-indulgent dolt.

My son was born via caesarian , and apart from his odd habit of insisting on exiting the car via the sun-roof, he's a perfectly healthy and happy youngster. His birth wasn't 'normal' though according to the various grades of dictatorial fruits at the NCT.

Listen, I'm not denigrating the NCT for the benefits they may bring to certain mums, but stop with the bloody hectoring. A quick look through their latest accounts show that the CEO is paid over £80k, that their income is over £9m and that they receive a fair amount of government cash, along with £4m of income from courses. There were £130k of voluntary donations, but let's face it, it's a business not a charity.

The results of their interfering aren't being welcomed, especially seeing as they are backed by pencil-pushing numpties in the NHS. It's important to note that the midwives and obstetricians aren't in agreement though.

HOSPITALS are under attack from staff and patients for trying to stop large numbers of women from having epidural painkillers during childbirth. However, under targets now being introduced into NHS trusts,epidurals are stigmatised as abnormal. One senior obstetrician condemned the implications of this policy as a “disgrace”.

The controversial restrictions, promoted by the “natural childbirth” lobby, aim drastically to reduce the number of women having epidurals, caesareans or other artificial procedures to 40%.

NCT. Just fuck off, will you? If the kid is born healthy, it's a miraculous success considering the huge obstacles that nature already puts in front of human reproduction. That should be the ideal, not your fluffy dreamworld where every mother is 'confident' enough to suffer something the size of a fax machine exiting their front bottom, with merely a sigh and a smile.

I await their guidelines on 'normal' conception with interest. I don't suppose 'Helped by Colonel Mustard-knob, in the kitchen, with a camcorder, an egg whisk and some dirty Ann Summers gear' will be in their final draft.

H/T Leg-Iron