Wednesday, 5 August 2009

No Job? Sue Someone


Sarah Ebner at The Times asks a valid question.

Jobless graduate sues college - a portent of things to come?

According to the New York Post, Thompson thinks that the College's Office of Career Advancement did not assist her with finding a full-time job placement.

"They have not tried hard enough to help me," she wrote about the school in her lawsuit, adding that she was also suing because of the stress she had been under.

She also claimed that the careers office gave preferential treatment to students with higher grades.

As most of American culture ends up here at some point, Mystic Dick looked into his crystal balls and, via Google Future™ found this letter.

Oh dear.

Dear Educashun geezer (Balls or summink ain't it? well funny name, guy)

My bruvva who can write stuff is jotting this down for me but you better watch aht as I'm gonna do ya.

When you got elected right, you plejed plegd promised that we'd all get jobs cuz we were gonna have a good time at school. You lied bro. Well, not you but that Blair homey wiv da big smile and the minging missis. You know what I mean tho right?

Anywayz, I was just a nippa when you come in and I reckon your crew iz da reason I cant get a job. Well thats wot the loyer guy sez anywayz. I saw his lot on Watch, man. They is well cool, it dont cost me a fing, I just bell dem and dey goes "no probs bruv, we can do it no win no fee, we cool". The geezer is well posh and stuff, wears a suit an everyfink. Tho dont tell me mates I shmooze up to a square called Nigel, or me rep'll be froo da floor, know wot I mean?

He said I gotta send a cuvverin letta with the rit wot he rote, so this is it. You been served muthafucka. Wow, its like summink outta one of dem yanky cop shows innit.

You been served muthafucka. Luv it luv it. High five bro (not you, Balls guy, was hanging wiv me clan innit).

Nigel (pfft) sez I gotta put my concerns n stuff in this letter b4 we go to cort. So here they is.

You tort me the rong stuff, man. right? I ditnt wanna learn no maffs stuff. And why did ya have to bore me wicked wiv dat old-stylee war of da worlds shit? Two of em too. I mean, wat da fuck man?

I had no choice guy, no choice, but to bunk off and go do some blow wiv me mate Dazzer (he got some well cool choons in his motor, garage bassssssss the lot).

But I giv it a go once a wekk and you let me down mofo. Yer carears service woz shit. I aint working at no Mcdonalds man. I'm da future, I aint doing nuffink for less than a couple of big uns a week. Vikki with da tits an da messy mouf kidz gets more than that at the soshial.

You let me down bro. My probation bitch sez I'm unemploble unemploi-ible nevva gonna get a job. She reckons its cos I is poor an it aint my fault.

You lot tort me shit and now I aint workin, an I mean neva, guy. Riight?

Nigel sez I been under stress too and I gotta arkse for a quarter mill. Ya can pay me wenever but can I get it in cash as I gots ta pay me dealer for last week and he dont take nuffink else.

Drop it raand my crib but dont bovva nockin b4 12 cos I like me sleep, OK cuz? Sometime soon tho, eh? Uvverwise, see you in cort, muthafucka (got that from CSI, soundz well brutal, man).

Pease
Tyler 'DJ Wide Boi' Lambert



7 comments:

TheBigYin said...

Youz proppa nutz Puddlecote but for a while I felt I was hangin' with the kidz man, felt I had proper street cred. Now it's time for me coco innit.

Great blog, won't be able to sleep for larfin' tho.

Mark Wadsworth said...

Yo dude, that was well jiggy!

You've got the inflow keepin' it tight!!

Witterings From Witney said...

Hilarious DP - your erudite use of the English language - as it now seems to be spoken - is masterful.

cornyborny said...

I wouldn't sue, personally, but I can understand the chick's reaction. The careers service at my uni was, and I suspect still is, completely and utterly useless for anyone wanting anything beyond a) having your CV written for you, b) being given staggeringly obvious interview 'tips' and nebulous 'advice' about possible career directions, and c) being directed to graduate job websites. So, anyone but the very same lowest common denominator revealed in your crystal balls. A total waste of money and real estate. (The careers office, that is).

I was a slightly gnarled mature student, so the above didn't come as a shock; just confirmation of my suspicion that such places are bunk. I do, though, feel sorry for bright, optimistic 21-year-olds who expect more and are let down. Pow. Welcome to 'real life'. Have some token help and fuck off.

The gap between rhetoric and reality in just this sort of thing really grinds my gears.

BTS said...

This American binnit is obviously a waste of space. I agree with cornyborny that perhaps the careers service is a pointless organisation and if so ought to be scrapped. The rest of us were able to get on with life by ourselves so what makes this dumbass so special?

Sad to say but Dick's crystal balls can be scarily accurate. On the other hand I've also been led to believe that they do chafe in nylon underwear..

Edgar said...

Just think what could be a result of this little venture:

Universities realize that they have to give valuable careers guidance.

Then they realize that they will never be able to give sufficient help to the dumbfucks, so they start accepting only reasonably clever people for University courses.

The standard of tertiary education begins to rise for the first time in half a century.

Degrees become worth having: employers start graduates on higher salaries.

Damned if I can find a bad consequence to this. The idiot woman who has started all this may yet turn out to be the heroine of 21st century education.

Either that, or it will be all forgotten the day after tomorrow.

patently said...

She also claimed that the careers office gave preferential treatment to students with higher grades.

What? You mean the students with the best grades found it easier to get the better jobs?

Bangs. Head. On. Wall....