Tuesday, 11 August 2009

The Progressive Commandments


More genius from the king of the commentariat, IanB. This was appended to the latest missive from A Tory. Better presented as a standalone piece, I think you'll agree.

The Progressive Commandments

Thou shalt not imbibe of intoxicating liquor, nor of intoxicants of any kind, nor of any thing which maketh thee a bit giggly nor which relieveth the burden of thy mortal existence.

Thou shalt not smoke, for the stench offendeth the nostrils of the LORD.

Thous shalt not consume the flesh of any animal, for all animals are sacred to the LORD; thou shalt not consume the pig, or the cow, or the sheep, nor any creature which flyeth or creepeth upon the ground upon any number of legs, nor squirmeth upon its belly. All meat is an abomination sayeth the LORD.

Neither shalt thou consume of any thing which delighteth the taste. Thou shalt not eateth cakes nor buns, nor any sugary thing, nor any thing which containeth cream, for the LORD liketh not fats. Thou shalt not season thy food, nor sprinkle it with the salt of the earth, nor adulterate with MSG. For the LORD sayeth that thy food should be simple, and plain, and he is the holiest of all who consumeth unflavoured tofu with a rictus grin.

Thou shalt work hard; thou shalt work until thy back acheth and thy bones breaketh, but thou shalt not be made wealthy by thy labours, for wealth is an abomination sayeth the LORD. Thou shalt suffer by the sweat of thy brow, and that which thou maketh the LORD shall taketh away, and when ye are old thou shalt lose thy house, and dwell in the place the LORD telleth thee to dwell, which shall treat thee as a burden and shall smell of wee. And the LORD shall allow ye to end thy pitiful existence to saveth a bit of money for thy government.

Thus sayeth the LORD. Thy life shall be long, and hard, and by the sweat of thy brow shall ye toil until it endeth, and there shall be no pleasure within it, for it is easier for a man who smileth to pass through the eye of the needle than to enter into the kingdom of Progressive Righteousness. In shame at thy existence shall ye live, and in shame shall ye die, for thy very life is a poisonous thing upon the face of the Earth. Better that ye had not lived at all, but if ye live, ye shall not enjoy any moment of it, for this filleth the LORD with rage. Compost ye were, and compost ye shall become.

Quite brilliant.




8 comments:

ByrneTofferings said...

Bahahaha.

timbone said...

Brings to mine the fact that we are told not to drink, smoke or eat big tasty meals so that we can be healthy and live longer - and they may raise retirement age to 70 because they can't feckin afford the old age pensions!

Anonymous said...

I eat meat
I drink beer
I smoke
Why ?
I look around at those who do not
smoke ,who do not drink,who do not
eat meat and thank the Lord ,I do.

Henry V's Farrier

junican said...

Dick Puddleduck,
I searched everywhere on the internet for any reference to you, but I could not find anything.
OK, I got the name wrong.
But do you not think that 'Dick Puddlecote' is a daft name for a website? It may sound OK to you, but it sounds silly to me - and the name is, how shall I say? - not one to be taken seriously. Puddlecote - puddleduck - what difference?
Sorry. I am being very 'negative' as Tom Harris would say.

Dick - darling - I like your thinking on the whole (or should that be 'hole').

For heaven's sake, man; pull yourself together! You are brilliant! With such a caustic, burning sense of humour, you should have a corresponding name.

May I suggest 'DAMNATION DICK'? Whatever.
Puddleduck! For heavens sake!

Anonymous said...

Junican didn't read the introductory material Mr Puddlecote has so helpfully supplied.

Dick Puddlecote said...

Junican: I could use my ancestor's title of Richard De Pudlicott but Dick is snappier. ;-)

BTS said...

I take great pleasure in extolling the virtues of my mate's Dick..

Michael J. McFadden said...

"Thou shalt work hard; thou shalt work until thy back acheth and thy bones breaketh, but thou shalt not be made wealthy by thy labours, for wealth is an abomination sayeth the LORD. Thou shalt suffer by the sweat of thy brow, and that which thou maketh the LORD shall taketh away"

Excellent. Anyone who'd like to read some serious but very readable economic analysis of this sort of problem should visit Edmund Contoski's website at:

http://www.amlibpub.com/liberty_blog/

I'd highly recommend his "Makers And Takers," but spend a while paging through his essays there in any event! There's a good argument to be made that the same people who've destroyed the pub culture with smoking bans have also had a much wider economic impact in other areas as well.

Michael J. McFadden
Author of "Dissecting Antismokers' Brains"