Today's Victor Ludorum Is Banality

Anyone with kids will know that they (whoever they may be, LEAs, school philospohers, the NAHT pet cat, I dunno) have changed the way kids learn to write and do sums. There's no learning the letters in a simple font anymore, before joining them up once familiar with words, sentences etc. Instead the alphabet is taught with every letter being written with a tail at both ends even when it's lonely on the page - makes it easier for kids to employ joined up writing later on apparently.

Likewise, the sums of yore have been replaced with number lines, chunks and grids, as explained here.

Which all makes it rather awkward for those attempting extra-curricular education. Teaching has moved so far from the experiences of parents that, for many, home teaching is almost impossible without a crash course from the school on their methods ... which I'm sure most don't provide.

Think of it like a kind of 'closed shop' for teachers.

But surely even modern schooling can't mess around with sports day, it's just a load of running around and jumping, isn't it? Yes, I believed that too until today, the annual sports day for one of the little Ps (the girl).

First event was Dodgeball, a yank game that I'd never heard of until I was about 30, but there it was being played on a suburban playing field, albeit with a British twist. You see, the balls were lightweight plastic (like in a ball pit) which barely reached the opposition due to wind resistance - the health and safety co-ordinator will have no doubt quietly approved.

Then came the old sports day stalwarts (?), football dribbling followed by what can only be described as collective football training, jumping left and right over a marker 20 times before running to a line and back like a 'beep test'.

Next was another steal from over the pond with the 'basketball-hoop-throw-relay', which was exactly as announced on the dayglo orange loudhailer. Three attempts to 'dunk' in a plastic stand-alone basket and then tag your team-mate to do the same.

Feeling quite bemused by this point, there was a certain relief to learn that the next event was the Javelin ... except it was a foam one with the range about 10 yards, and the goal was to hit one of the teaching assistants (a sentiment I could identify with at the time).

The pièce de résistance, though, was naturally left till last. And - even though fearing the worst - as the 'dance competition' was announced, I do believe I stifled a sob.

Each group was given 5 minutes to learn a dance routine and perform it (Saturday Night by Whigfield in this case), with two teacher judges deciding the winner and lesser placings. The criteria for their doing so wasn't clear, but considering the final team scores were 89, 90, 91 and 92, I expect a certain eye was being kept on points 'equality'.

In summation, it was an almost surreal 90 minutes without even a cursory glimpse of a finishing tape and no individual champions. There was, of course, a winning team, but in the same sentence we were reminded that all the kids were winners because they had 'tried hard'.

The kids cheered, the teachers fired contented smiles at each other, while I considered how to shake off the overwhelming feeling of numbness at watching a sports day so turgid, populist media-led, and devoid of all but the merest nod to true competition.

Still, mustn't grumble, at least it finally went ahead. It was postponed from last term because the ground was too dry, which is different from last year where it was cancelled entirely due to the grass being damp.

Good grief.