Pub Industry Sounding The Retreat

“When you have lost your inns, drown your empty selves, for you will have lost the last of England.” Hilaire Belloc, Preface to The Four Men (1911)

Those involved in the pub trade have never been the most polished glasses on the shelf, but they're starting to plumb new depths of incompetence.

Alcohol Concern must be laughing into their prune juice at CAMRA's latest botch-job of an attempt at stemming the tide of anti-alcohol hysteria ... by toadying up to the very people who would like to see their enjoyment crushed.

Behold beer, the health drink!

Chief executive Mike Benner said: "It is great news to see the myth of the beer belly finally laid to rest. The main message we are putting forward today is that, as a low-alcohol drink, beer can supplement a healthy lifestyle if consumed in a responsible manner."

Are you holding your head in your hands and muttering 'Oh God, no'? Because I am.

For crying out loud. The very first rule when dealing the righteous is that you never, ever, apologise or show even a glimmer of guilt. Once they see that contrition, they have your nuts in a vice that Beelzebub would be proud of. Benner's comments - as is usual with CAMRA - are along the lines of "We're not as bad as the others".

Or, as a sage blogger once wrote:

It's like a bunch of folks on the scaffolds complaining that the other guy's noose isn't quite tight enough. Y'all might instead direct your attention to the hangman sometime and try helping each other cut those ropes.

Try some defiance, CAMRA, for fuck's sake. It's your only hope, especially since you're running out of people to hide behind.

Having said that, at least CAMRA are (badly) trying to defend beer. What about this quite unutterably ridiculous tool?

First it was the smoking ban – now Cardiff could have its first ever alcohol-free pub.

A former bar manager says he wants to open Wales’ only dry pub to help curb binge-drinking in the capital.

The idea is to create a pub-like experience, complete with bar, pool tables and music, for both under-18s and adults.

So, let's just collate the information here. Pubs are suffering because smoking is no longer allowed, and the answer is - evidently - to remove the alcohol too?

Establishments like the above used to be called 'youth clubs' in my day. But hey, to attract the adults, and keep obsequiously bowing to the health lobby, he could always install a few treadmills.

You know, like a gym but with a healthy bar attached. Oh, hang on, I think we've already got some of those.

I despair, I really do.