The Nicotine Market Is Getting Away - Quick, Someone Call The Government!

It's been two weeks now since I became a part-time vaper, and I've been having a lot of fun with it. I've expanded from the office and Sainsbury's and have now 'vaped' in Waitrose, WH Smiths, the T-Mobile shop (Mrs P just had to get an iPhone FFS!), a bus, a working mens club, and - the ultimate test - a severely-packed music pub at a gig by a late 70s/early 80s punk/new wave icon (no, not telling who, though there is a very subtle clue lying around for the Sherlocks amongst you).

If there were anti-smokers around, they would have been none the wiser, but if they had realised what was going on, the fake coughing and hand-waving would have commenced in earnest. It's a part of their very being. And that, you may remember, is one of the reasons - in fact, the only reason - for my taking up with e-cigs ... because their very existence sends anti-smokers (whether they've actually seen one or not) into a state of confusion and irrational panic. Simply because their purpose in life is severely compromised as a result of this new entrant to the ongoing nicotine war.

One minute, they're a righteously indignant (albeit mentally unbalanced) arbiter of the health choices of others, armed to the teeth with junk stats, hyperbole and clichés to throw at anyone who dares object to their personal preference. The next, they are faced with something which isn't dangerous, but still allows others pleasure. Their eyes boggle on stalks at the very thought of such a thing - how dare anyone try to wrestle their perceived superiority away from them!

In all their years of curtain-twitching, finger-wagging and self-aggrandisement, they've never been put into such a position. There are no health angles to attack, no smelly clothes or hair to resort to once the science is challenged. No chiiildren - for whom they couldn't give a stuff if truth be known - to think of.

Bereft of ideas, they still pump out the old standards, but they just don't work anymore. For example, the 'pissing in the swimming pool' one (© ASH USA c.1994) is obsolete, as is the 'no safe exposure' claim (© ASH USA 2002) - after all, if there is no safe exposure to water vapour, saunas and steam rooms would be in a right old mess - and even stepping outside during a rain shower on a summer's evening would be classed as carcinogenic. Third hand water vapour? Ha! That'll be your bathroom, then.

In fact, all the billions spent over decades on constructing soundbites and lies is being rendered irrelevant for many by a battery, a heating element, and a few drops of e-liquid. Far from being bullied into the arms of pharmaceutical companies, some are buying their nicotine from the wrong suppliers. Worse still, some aren't even buying liquid which contains any nicotine at all, merely inhaling instead of using 'approved' (but useless) sticking plasters, while still smiling and enjoying.

And that fucking upsets anti-smokers. Real bad.

Obviously {sigh}, something must be done. We can't have the natural successors to arch-prodnose Mary Whitehouse being circumvented, now can we? So they've been hard at work, desperately trying to ban this small, unobtrusive pleasure.

The MHRA are trying their level best to protect the rights of British busybodies to interfere in the lives of others, while their yank counterparts have launched a similar assault but with a heavier hand. I could point to incompetence by the MHRA, or a series of criticisms of the stance by the FDA in America, but for those who really can't be arsed (tl:dr) the whole issue is explained in layman's terms quite succinctly in this video.

Fortunately, the righteous can all sleep soundly in their beds tonight, safe in the knowledge that governments on both sides of the Atlantic are on the case. After all, imagine the devastation if Pfizer's NHS-led income dried up, for example, or if people carried on enjoying nicotine without allowing the most violently intolerant and anti-social bastards in society to inflict their prejudices on others.

Doesn't bear thinking about, does it?

Belinda (bookmark recommended) provides a customarily well-articulated read on the same subject