Sunday, 11 October 2009

Parliament Are Back Tomorrow, So Out Crawl The Brownshirts

They do say that money can't buy happiness. It would seem that they are partly correct. Only the sheer bliss of using one's influence to piss on your fellow man, grinding them into subservient misery for one's own personal gain, truly gives that buzz of satisfaction.

However, you still need celebrity, and about £320m to do so, if you are Duncan Bannatyne.

(Red mist-o-meter alert)

And the poor thing just isn't happy yet.

I'll only be happy if smoking is banned

Well, would you credit it? Just what we need right now - yet another selfish, bigoted, closet Nazi from Jockland. Is there something in the fucking water up there? Some severe strain of viral puritanism which turns every kilty into a mouth-frothing paternalist with a sideline in sadistic subjugation of those they consider unclean, once given a badge/microphone/newspaper column?

So, what has this deeply miserable multi-millionaire got to say to back up his anti-social view?

I used to be a smoker.

Ah. I think we know where this is going.

I tried several times to give up, but only lasted a few months before going back. During one of the periods when I was off cigarettes, I went to the pub. Somebody bought a round, then someone passed round a packet of fags. I foolishly took one – I'd had a few drinks – and the next thing I was a smoker again.

You see, an ex-smoker will never be a never-smoker. Ask anyone who has ever quit if they would, deep down, want to smoke just one more fag and they will tell you that the urge never leaves.

The brave will just accept this as a fact of life and get on with being a part of the rich diversity of modern living. Selfish cunts like Bannatyne, however, will demand that the rest of society comply with their personal wish to be free of temptation. Even being 176th on the rich list can't take that nagging desire away when a wisp of smoke errs, like a naughty schoolkid, close to their cowardly nostrils.

Bannatyne has bought into the anti-tobacco movement with every part of his being. So much so, that he is now President of No Smoking Day and a co-opted rep for fake charity, QUIT.

As such, he has been wheeled out by the tobacco bansturbation lobby as they ramp up their activities prior to the third reading of the Health Bill tomorrow. For those that aren't aware, part of Lord 'I'll say whatever the DoH tell me to say' Darzi's wide-ranging legislation is the concealment of tobacco displays and the banning of cigarette vending machines.

The state-funded healthist brownshirts have been furrowing their collective brows on a plethora of media outlets over the weekend, in anticipation of the return to Westminster of the nice-but-dims who will be placing their vacant backsides on the green seats tomorrow.

Labour donor Bannatyne got the Guardian/Observer gig.

Tomorrow, the House of Commons will see the third and final reading of the Health Bill. I believe MPs must support the clause that would ensure that cigarettes being sold in shops must be stored out of sight, though I'm puzzled and concerned as to why so many seem reluctant to back this move.

Arch-businessman Bannatyne doesn't understand why business owners are reacting angrily to potentially lethal costs to their business? Fuck a duck! For chrissakes I hope this guy never gets a commission for a TV show advising businessmen ... sorry, what did you say?

Whether by accident or design, the primary colours used on both the outside of cigarette packets and the shelves they are kept on attract children.

Tobacco companies can't be trusted to make cigarette packets a colour that doesn't work in this way, so they should be put out of sight.

Like I say, swallowed the anti-tobacco lines verbatim. I don't know what colour he is thinking would be acceptable, but then, this tactic has been used over and over again by the righteous. Quite simply, there isn't one. No matter what the purveyors of non-approved products do, it will never be enough.

The non-co-operation ploy was the reason given for the ban on tobacco advertising in the 80s, and is being used right now as the puritans march towards ultimate alcohol prohibition.

The government's "de-normalisation" of tobacco is welcome, but it's taking too long. The Health Bill proposes to restrict cigarette-vending machines in pubs. But they should be banned altogether.

Hey Duncan, you cunt, the vending machine operators are not too happy about this either. Are you, the incredibly gifted business guru, also puzzled about why that would be? Because their business would cease to exist overnight, that's fucking why.

Even smokers don't like them, because they typically give you only 16 cigarettes instead of a normal packet of 20 and cost £6, about £1 more than in the shops.

Smokers don't like them so much, Duncan, you blinkered cock, that the vending industry has been thriving for decades.

Here's a quick economics lesson for you. In business, yeah? There is a thing called supply and demand. With me so far? Vending companies sell their product at a price which is optimal for their profits considering its placement, OK?

For crying out loud, if this guy ever gets to spout his business ideas on TV, we're in deep shit without a rubber ring. Wow! So many hands up all of a sudden. Can you wait till the comments? I'm in the middle of a rant here.

And many pub landlords think the government's halfway-house proposals are unworkable because bar staff would have to check people's age ID before operating the machine by remote control.

Well, bugger me with a beer pump sideways, perhaps I misjudged you, Duncan. You're quite the business saviour, after all. All that checking of ID for bar staff to do. What a bind, eh? I'll bet they will need special training too seeing as they don't DO IT EVERY BASTARD DAY!

Still. Job done. He's had his one-sided view. He has done exactly as ASH, the DoH and the rest of his taxpayer-funded puppet-masters had instructed.

Oh wait, he's barely started ...

In my view smokers who currently stand outside a pub or restaurant having a fag should have to stand at least several yards away from the front door, to save the 79% of us who don't smoke from breathing in their smoke when we go in or out. We should curtail the rights of the 21% and increase their responsibilities towards the 79%. In other words, we should stop them killing us and our children.

Shhhh! That's yet to come, Duncan. ASH must be looking through their fingers at this stuff. It's only on the drawing board for now, you daft sweaty sock! The studies to 'prove' kids will die by walking past a smoker in the High Street haven't been paid for yet!

Studies estimate that about 11,000 people a year die because of passive smoking.

Wrong. It was just one study, by a guy called Konrad Jamrozik of Queensland ... Australia. The anti-smoking knob-chokers had to look to an insignificant bigot from the arse end of the world to come up with anything remotely worrying, and that was about heavy passive smoking. Inside. And even then, he needed a dodgy calculator to produce such nonsense.

This isn't nanny statism, Big Brother, or wrongful interference in people's personal freedoms – it's the right thing to do to protect the health of the vast majority of us who don't smoke from the declining minority who do.

Can you see the approach here? Us and them. It's a deliberate method to point out that smokers are evil, and non-smokers must defend their own kind.

Divisive and evil. But then, what can one expect from a disgusting self-absorbed cock-socket who uses the first person singular pronoun over a dozen times to advance his views on society.

By saying "I want" over and over again, he is apparently benefitting community, tolerance and inclusiveness in our country. Or he could just be a scottish goat-felcher with the tobacco control lobby's bollocks bouncing off his chin. Your choice.

So, has the self-indulgent drivel come to a close yet? Like hell it has.

Smoking should be banned in cars, and particularly any vehicle with children in it.

Duncan. Again, can you please keep to the subject at hand. That's for next week, you caledonian berk.

On a school visit I met a 12-year-boy who wanted to be an athlete who told me that every morning his mother lit up when she was driving to school, even though he'd begged her to stop. He should be able to report her to the police.

Because that was quite effective in 1930s Germany, so it's a proven winner, huh?

Jesus fucking Christ, smokers will be confined to our homes at pain of death soon.

It should also be illegal to smoke at home in front of children.


I accept that enforcing such a law would be difficult, but it would send a message that such behaviour is unacceptable.

Not difficult to enforce at all, Duncan. You're not much of a tobacco-averse loon, are you? It's quite simple, really. Unannounced spot checks from social workers with entry powers to every property in the UK would cut it. Now, where's the problem in legislation as unobtrusive as that, eh?

Some shopkeepers are genuinely afraid of a ban on tobacco displays.

Some? Some? No, you cunt. If not all, it is the vast majority.

But that is because the tobacco industry have been up to their old tricks. They tried to convince pubs that the smoke-free law would drive them out of business so they would lobby against the law.

This is pure cloud cuckoo land. What tricks? The pubs didn't put up any resistance and are now cloing at a rate of 52 per week. The smokefree law, did, quite literally, put most of the 3,000+ that have disappeared since July 2007, out of business. If tobacco companies tried to convince pubs before the previous Health Act, they would have been absolutely spot on.

Now they are doing the same thing with shopkeepers.

If they are, shopkeepers should be extremely afraid. There is now a terrifying precedent from which to draw evidence.

A retailer from the northeast recently went to Ireland to find out the truth and the shopkeepers he spoke to told him that now they had won their displays back from the tobacco companies who controlled them, they were free to promote products that allowed them to make a healthy profit.

Anecdotal, so I shall add my own.

I was on my way out of a newsagent local to my business when I overheard the asian owner chatting to a confectionery rep - just chewing the fat, as one does. I stopped on the way out to listen unobtrusively, pretending to look at the front page of the Daily Sport ... OK, I was looking at the front page of the Daily Sport, but I didn't inhale - too busy listening.

He was regaling how he abhors smoking. His wife and he had never smoked and they wished they didn't have to sell cigarettes. But he had to because the additional purchases were vital to his business. Without cigarette sales, his business would die.

Guess what I initially went in for? And guess what I came out with? Yep, my fags, a Picnic bar ... and a copy of the Daily Sport.

The island's surgeon-general said that he wanted Mauritius to become the first totally no-smoking country in the world. I would like the UK to get there first.

And that is the entire premise of Bannatyne's ridiculous leap into the future. It's what he wants, and therefore it's what MPs should all vote for.

It matters not that Lord Darzi and the Department of Health have been deliberately misleading parliament. It matters not that an entire vending industry will cease to exist overnight. It matters not that convenience stores will undoubtedly close despite there being no evidence whatsoever that the measure will have any beneficial effect.

It's what Duncan wants, and Duncan always gets.

But then again, in Duncan's fantasy world, even the recession is another chance to get extra revenue.

If you've just lost your job there's no excuse for avoiding a work out!

There really aren't words to describe such a self-serving, anti-social turd. But at least I tried.


Jeff Wood said...

Recall that extreme British Puritanism first flourished here in Scotland, in the 16th Century.

Later, even Cromwell got so pissed off with the original Tartan Taliban - actually mostly Lowlanders - that, after beating them in battle, he went on to occupy Scotland.

These creeps never quite went away, and now they are back. Sorry about that.

Old Holborn said...

See you on the 5th

We have SO much work to do

Anonymous said...

Seeing as he's so obviously backed the wrong horse, I'm certainly looking forward to his downfall.

Prohibition, state bullying and denormalisation of citizens have always been despised in history. Truth, freedoms and liberty always win.

In years to come, it will be a total embarrassment to be linked to these zealots.

Money and power isn't everything as the sad Bannatyne has obviously shown with these ridiculous statements. He needs a visit to the mental unit coming out with ridiculous comments like that.

The man is obviously seriously obsessed with anti-smoking and hatred.


The Filthy Smoker said...

Superb post. What a bell-end that man is.

Anonymous said...

Shiver mi Sporran Dick that was one
Mega rant
This Ballantyne chappy is obviously
some kind of whitewashed pigsty
pleading for attention due to some
maladjustment in adolesence.**
There is no off the shelf cure for
these sheep mounting crofters now
that the Redcoat practice of baynotteing has faded but I am
sure the Inquisitions Book of Days
in Seville has some tasty solutions
to his Calvinist disorder.

**Excessive self gratification
due to early failed relationship
with dysfunctionl parents

The Holy Office(Northen Europe)

Gordon the Fence Post Tortoise said...

Everybody has an opinion - even deranged , lying, delusional half wits have opinions - the problem spins out of control when the ravings of madmen are repeated uncritically by a media and politicians who don't care which hobby horse they gallop around on - they care merely that they can climb aboard.

timbone said...

ex smokers (not non smokers but smokers who do not smoke) fall into three categories:
1. Do without, are amenable to smokers, but personally choose to refrain.
2. Live a life of misery, denying themselves a pleasure.
3. Miss it (like 1 & 2) so redirect the 'dying for a fag' into hatred and by attempting to destroy fellow human beings who still smoke strengthen their resolve to deny themselves something they used to enjoy.

Did you know that Deborah Arnott said that most ASH employees are ex smokers?

Unknown said...

Great post Dick…rounded off my Sunday evening just fine, thanks!

There’s no greater rectum pain than an ignorant crap noggin whose has never tried to grasp the finer points of the smoking ban issue, or more precisely, who doesn’t want to.

He says ‘Studies estimate that about 11,000 people a year die because of passive smoking’, STUDIES ESTIMATE, that right, there’re only epidemiological studies, in other words observational studies carried out through questionnaire…they are not intrinsic medical studies carried out as a result of autopsy, which is the only definitive way of showing if anyone has ever been killed by ‘passive smoking’, a point always ignored by the witless zealots. In the absence of definitive medical proof, people of this ilk will always grasp at the straws of meaningless epidemiological studies.

If Bannatyne can find a pathologist, who at anytime anywhere in the world has carried out an autopsy, and declared that this person has died of 'passive smoking', then he will be the first person on the planet to have ever done so!

In fact the largest number that epidemiologists could ever come up with in the USA was 3,500, and even this number has been discredited on numerous occasions, and this figure in a population of over 250 million.

I once asked ASH Scotland how many people were killed in any one year by ‘passive smoking’, how were these figures recorded and can they be supported by autopsy evidence. They wrote back saying, that they had no definition for deaths by ‘passive smoking’, and so did not have any such records…convenient – eh?

This begs the question, if they do not have any definition for ‘passive smoking’, then how do they know anyone has ever been killed by ‘passive smoking’?

Bannatyne is one of those that drink heavily from the colostomy bag before talking. Since he’s become a ‘celebrity’ he thinks that this gives him credence of sorts.

Quite simply he’s got just too big for his uncouth and ignorant little boots.

Incidentally Dick, you didn't succeeded!

MU said...

"I accept that enforcing such a law would be difficult, but it would send a message that such behaviour is unacceptable."

The old "Sending a message" chesnut. Laws are for fucking enforcing, not "sending messages." By banning this we are not actually banning it and putting people behind bars for contravening a ban, but Sending a Message that we disapprove..


What was it Orwell said about removing life's competing pleasures?

Rob said...

Independence for Scotland, please. We can then watch a fascinating experiment where 16th century puritanism and 20th century fascism combine in one country. But first we'll have to build a big fence on the south bank of the Tweed, patrolled by rabid deer.

Anonymous said...

This is the same guy who thinks sunbeds don't cause cancer. Oh, that's right, it's because his health clubs use them and he makes money out of them so they can't possibly be dangerous eh?

"The businessman also insisted that Robinson lied to viewers when she claimed that a melanoma she had removed from her back in 2001 was caused by sunbeds. Bannatyne increased the age limit on his fitness club's sunbeds from 16 to 18 in response to Watchdog's investigation into young people's use of the tanning machines."

Man with Many Chins said...

This bloke is clearly a weapons grade cunt.

Thats all from me

JuliaM said...

So, smoking is bad and evil and certain to kil you and the people who do it should be castigate with whips and scorpions and...

...elsewhere we find the NHS is happy to transplant smoker's lungs into non-smoking patients (resulting in a death because they overloked cancer).

Bit of a disconnect here?

Anonymous said...

They say money cant buy happiness, well you have only got to look at Bannatyne to see what a miserable faced fuck he is,i suggest he takes up smoking again might cheer him up a bit. A mate of mine a former thirty a day man packed in 5 years ago he has never been the same since, a more miserable bastard you could not meet even his wife a non smoker begs him to start again.

Unknown said...

I knew you would do this story justice Dick (I can't bear to type that cunts name) and show him up for the dickhead that he really is. When he started his diatribe with 'I am an ex-smoker' he took me back to an ex boss of mine who, many years before, gave up for health reasons. He said "after all these years since I stopped smoking I could sometimes kill for a fag!" But he never once derided us for smoking in his presence.

Bann...that shit has obviously decided if he can't smoke, nobody should.

Angry Exile said...

As I said at Mummy's place, I’d like to speak up for the large number of non-wanker ex-smokers if I may. I quit a while back and I do feel better for it. I was a bad tempered misery for a bit but after 2-3 months I was back to normal and became, well, like timbones no. 1 variety of ex-smoker. And I now notice that ciggie smoke really doesn’t smell that pleasant, but I can think of whole suburbs that smell worse. If I’m brutally honest now and then I miss it a little bit, but not much and not often. And that’s it really. I wouldn’t go to a smoky restaurant if the food was shit, but I might if the food was worth it – either way it’d be the food rather than the smoke that decided it. Of course, it's banned in restaurants anyway. Same applies to pubs, though the nearest pub you can still smoke in, if not banned there too by now, is at least 1000 miles away. When my friends who still smoke light up I might stand back a bit, but if it’s outdoors with any breeze at all I probably wouldn’t bother.

This is because, and this is where I want to highlight the difference between me and Duncan Banittyme, I’m not a sanctimonious bastard who demands everyone else do what I do. Smoke or don’t smoke, I don’t care. I gave up for purely selfish reasons, i.e. I’m too tight to carry on spending $90 a week and Australia’s lack of a ferry service to bring in foreign truckers smuggling cheap cartons of Eurobaccy there aren’t any cheap options. But since it was for me and my wallet I gave up I see no need to demand, nag or even encourage anyone else to do the same. You can't smoke in my house because it's mine, but anywhere else in the world is either someone else's and it's up to them or no-one else's and it's up to you. Other than that do what you want with your money and bodies.

The anti-smoking knob-chokers had to look to an insignificant bigot from the arse end of the world to come up with anything remotely worrying...
Careful now, DP. Mind you, they can be a bit funny up in Queensland.

Smoking should be banned in cars, and particularly any vehicle with children in it.
You probably ought to put Victoria on the list of where not to visit in Oz. And Tassie. And New South Wales. Oh, and Queensland of course. In fact, fuck it, with the shithouse exchange rate you'll get now you might as well stay at home. It's not like we have a fucking tourist trade that's already struggling because of the strong dollar... oh we do? Oh well, too bad. Far more important that we scare off anyone wanting to come here with the thought that if they smoke they'll have a miserable time because the country's run by tight arsed authoritarian shit stains. What the fuck happened to having a fucking competitive federation of states so people can move if they don't like the rules? How do they do that when the rules are the same in all of them?

Fuck me gently with a gift shop boomerang.

Unknown said...

Good comment Angry Exile, I enjoyed reading it.

Unknown said...

I have a friend who is an ex smoker. You can smoke anywhere around him and he even insists that nobody will go outside at his house to smoke (even tho I have tried to do so). His secret? Quite simple really. He never ever said he would never smoke again. He left the option open. He occasionally has a cig here and there but then will go without for months on end. I suppose you couldn't call him an ex smoker in some ways but it works for him.

btw, this kid who said about begging his mother to stop smoking in the car. If he wants to be an athlete, why doesn't he run, walk or cycle to school instead of travelling in a car with mum? he could always take a bus to nearby and get some training in for the rest of the journey. Too young? Well, he appears very eloquent for a youngster.....

Or am I just being cynical again?

banned said...

Your link, Guardian headline " We should no longer tolerate the minority... ", could go far that writer.

Most x-smokers I meet are quite accomadating about my addiction and the great majority of x and never have smokers agree that current legislation already goes too far.

Banning POS ads does not seem to affect the crack, dope, heroin, skunk, smack, ketomine community very much.

You pointed out Dick that Labour spectacularly failed to boast about their anti-smoking laws at their recent shambles having realised just how unpopular it is so Bannatyne ( Ban A Time ? ) is deeply off-message and perhaps Peter will have him silenced.

Never got on with vending machines myself, in earlier more drunken times I would sometimes wake up with a crushed packet of the wrong fags to remind me of what a great time I had the night before.

Anonymous said...

I'd love to see his face if this rant were sent to him (with the suggestion that his ice creams probably contributed to the obesity epidemic).

(Had to attend a seminar recently at one of his hotels. The hosts asked for a doggy bag from the buffet lunch for the staff who'd been left in the office to be told that elfin safety forbade it in case they got food poisoning. DB's been reported as so tight he has his staff buy their own pens so I reckon the leftovers were kept for staff meals LOL).


Anna said...

Gorgeous piece of writing !
Love it
I will add my part : In France they have brushe away the cigarette on the CoCo chanel poster for the film about her life

thought this be a very good idea People should not think smoking is normal so there we have the poster with the actress without a cigarette

Here is the original

CoCo Chanel was a chain smoker (40 - 60 cigarettes a day ) till she died age 82 I was angry that stylefrizz was happy with this Orwell behaviour and wrote a letter This is what I got back :

Dear Anna,

Firstly, let me thank you for visiting! Secondly, allow me to draw your attention on the "one cigarette" issue: smoking has become so ordinary, it's a part of our daily life now. Passive or active smokers, we're all smokers of some kind. I was a smoker myself. But I grew over it, thankfully! Now I just want to see the world without smoke, without smoking and smokers. Everything around cigarettes has been so glamed up and I can't cope with that. It's wrong. Morally wrong. I won't even begin talking health issues, we're all aware of the dangers smoking can cause!

I believe another approach, a less fashionable one is called for cigarettes/smoking. This smoking - stylish attitude they're so keen on promoting through everything fashion is disgusting and wrong. No, hiding away one cigarette won't change the world, but at least I won't have to put up with the so called elegant fashion of smoking!

Best Regards
K Priss

I think I am getting totally mad

Love from Anna

Anonymous said...

Brilliant article/blog Dick, and some great comments -

Annon –said “I once asked ASH Scotland how many people were killed in any one year by ‘passive smoking’, how were these figures recorded and can they be supported by autopsy evidence. They wrote back saying, that they had no definition for deaths by ‘passive smoking’, and so did not have any such records…convenient – eh?

It would be interesting if they actually put deaths from sunbeds on death reports? Strange how ballantyne thinks HIS vested interest is nice and healthy though isn’t it!!

Angry exile, great comment and yes there is a total difference between non-smokers and control freaks and that is what they are and it shows with the arrogance that comes with it, a obsession of hatred is not healthy for any children.
Mandyv for smokers and non-smokers alike, fighting for choice and TRUTH