How The Grinches Rekindled Christmas

When I first read this, I honestly believed it was some spoof April Fool article that someone had found from the spring and mistaken as fact.

SNP ministers are to consider a crackdown on Christmas treats as part of their "bold" plans to tackle Scotland's obesity epidemic. 

The move would see supermarket price promotions on festive favourites such as mince pies and selection boxes being banned north of the Border. 

Other seasonal treats which could fall foul of the legislation would include cakes, biscuits and chocolates, savoury party food and soft drinks.

But no, this is apparently a real story!

Food Standards Scotland (FSS) has found confectionery sales rocket by 54 per cent in the 12 weeks before Christmas, with cakes and pastries up 32 per cent and savoury snacks up 20 per cent.

You don't fucking say!

It's Christmas. What part of that do these nutcases not understand? I've bought two tins of Quality Street already, I won't be touching them till late December, isn't that what we all do?

This, of course, is another step in the annual 'public health' assault on Christmas. Just like their incontinent tantrum about the Coca Cola truck, these people just can't abide the fact that normal people - as opposed to abnormal people like them - quite enjoy having fun.

Thing is, I'd kinda lost interest in Christmas since my kids became teens. Just buying a few pieces of colourful Fisher Price plastic or a Dalek that said "exterminate" and seeing the joy in their little faces as they messed with it for hours on end died long ago. Instead it had become hugely more expensive and not quite as magical. But if Christmas is so horribly offensive to 'public health' miseries, I am now heartily more excited about it.

Shit, if our over-indulgence at Christmas really gets up their nose that much, bring it the fuck on.

Their turgid and aggressively joyless reaction to the Coca Cola truck has inspired me to love Christmas once again. What better thing in the world can there be than to celebrate the knuckle-biting frustration of absolute bastards?

I think I'll get the tree down from the loft this weekend. Altogether now ... "holidays are coming, holidays are coming". 

'Tis The Night Before Christmas And Santa Is Crippled

To continue the theme of seasonal public health miseries, what could be better on Christmas Eve than a message from Santa Claus, eh?

Not the real Santa you understand, kids, but the one those swell, fun-loving public health guys in Mexico have created. You know, the obese kidnapped diabetic Santa Claus who has had a leg amputated due to "the burden of disease and death from the consumption of sugary drinks" and considers the Coca-Cola Company to be "as much of experts in children as paedophiles" (sic).

Well ho ho bloody ho to you too, you mad chimichanga chomper.

When I say we are firmly on the side of the angels here, I'm not kidding you know. Merry Christmas.

H/T Simon "sugar is the new tobacco" Capewell via Twitter

Debauchery And Gluttony: The True Spirit Of Christmas

I'm late on this since that Christmas thing has been intruding, but after doing a bit of catching up on my reading, I can heartily recommend you listen to a 13 minute recording over at Spiked (I'd have liked to have embedded it here but ...) discussing the miserablists who pop up around about this time every year.

Commenting on the joy-sucking snobbery exhibited by "left wing Scrooges" and "modern puritans" who see Christmas as a problem rather than something wonderful and life-enhancing, Brendan O'Neill draws historic parallels with the Church, Cromwell, and Dickensian dismissal of the poor as irresponsible plebs who should behave and know their place. All while pointing out that hedonistic over-indulgence has a far greater claim on December than anything the charmless and anti-social amongst us might wish we'd comply with.

This quote in particular chimed with me ...

"There is a huge chasm today between ordinary people and - I don't know what you want to call them, the chattering classes, the liberal elite, the political class, whatever we want to call them - there is a huge gap between these two constituencies"

... considering it's similar to what I was saying on Friday.

Do go have a listen in full, and then remember that the true spirit of Christmas ain't quite over until the last booze and Quality Street runs out or the darts finishes on TV, whichever is the latter.

Drink! It's What The Baby Jesus Would Have Wanted

Previously, from the Office of National Statistics ...

ONS General Lifestyle Survey 2008:

Following an increase between 1998 and 2000, there has been a decline since 2002 in the proportion of men drinking more than 21 units a week, on average, and in the proportion of women drinking more than 14 units.

ONS General Lifestyle Survey 2009:

This trend seems to be continuing under the new methodology; between 2006 and 2009 the proportion of men drinking more than 21 units a week fell from 31 per cent to 26 per cent and the proportion of women drinking more than 14 units a week fell from 20 per cent to 18 per cent.

ONS General Lifestyle Survey 2010

The proportion of men drinking more than 21 units a week fell from 31 per cent in 2005 to 26 per cent in 2010 and the proportion of women drinking more than 14 units a week fell from 21 per cent to 17 per cent over the same period.

ONS General Lifestyle Survey 2011

The proportion of men who reported drinking alcohol in the seven days before interview fell from 72% in 2005 to 66% in 2011. Similarly, the proportion of women who reported drinking alcohol in the seven days before interview fell from 57% to 54% over the same period. In addition, the proportion of men who reported drinking alcohol on at least five days in the week before interview fell from 22% in 2005 to 16% in 2011. The proportion of women reporting drinking alcohol on at least five days in the week before interview fell from 13% to 9% over the same period. 

There is a downward trend in the proportions of men exceeding four units and women exceeding three units on their heaviest drinking day in the week before interview. The proportion of men exceeding four units on their heaviest drinking day was 41% in 2005 and 34% in 2011. The proportion of women exceeding three units was 34% in 2005 and 28% in 2011.

And now, the latest figures are in!

In 2012 58% of adults (people aged 16 and over) living in private households in Great Britain drank alcohol at least once in the week before being interviewed. This proportion has been declining both for men and women. Between 2005 and 2012 the proportion of men who drank alcohol in the week before being interviewed fell from 72% to 64%, and the proportion of women fell from 57% to 52%. 

The proportion of adults who drank frequently (those who drank alcohol on at least five days in the week before being interviewed) has also been declining. Between 2005 and 2012 there was a fall from 22% to 14% in the proportion of men who were frequent drinkers, and from 13% to 9% in the proportion of women.

All in all, more real news which you won't hear from the legions of state-funded prohibitionists who constantly try to pretend we are embroiled in a mythical unprecedented booze epidemic.

Therefore, on such a fine Christmas Day, via @OldMudgie, might I suggest you take heed of this sensible advice from beer blogger Pete Brown.

Christ’s first miracle – if you believe that particular superstition – was turning water into wine at the wedding in Canaan. According to the Bible – and I think this is a fairly close translation from the original Hebrew – the saviour of mankind announced his presence on Earth by getting people shitfaced and showing them a good time. 

So don’t get drunk every day over Christmas. But do get drunk at least once. And tell our Puritan overlords that it’s what the Baby Jesus would have wanted.

Hear, hear! I'll drink to that..

Cheers! And Merry Christmas everybody!

Education For Life, Not Just For Christmas

I do hope Christmas is going down as well with you as it is in Puddlecoteville.

Yesterday, a dozen of us descended on one of those licensed restaurants - which used to be called pubs - for a meal where we could just leave the plates and bugger off when we'd had our fill of turkey and Sancerre. On returning home (via a few hours at a house containing a Wii machine to knacker the little Ps with Just Dance), Mrs P and I enjoyed a joyous but intangible Christmas present.

I'm not sure exactly when the practice started, but we've taken to pinching small portions of the little uns' bits and bobs every now and then. For example, a few chips from a Maccy D's meal, a spoonful of their after dinner dessert, a couple of sour sweets from the pick'n'mix. You know, that sort of thing.

We call it 'tax'.

They've reluctantly become accustomed to it, and it was helpful in explaining the concept of taxation in their younger years. You should have seen the look on their faces when we first described how many things the government applies this to. They were particularly amazed at road tax, fuel duty and VAT on top of it with relation to transport ... and that was before going on to explain toll roads, insurance duty and fees for some to park outside their own home.

They each received a Galaxy selection box, amongst other things, yesterday morning and we - with tongues firmly in cheek - announced that the tax would be a Ripple bar from one and a bag of Minstrels from the other. It was heartening to find out later that the very sweets in question had, without our noticing, been spirited away into hiding places in their rooms.

Oh joy! They already know about tax, but now they have developed a practical understanding of tax avoidance too.

Now that's something they won't learn in the state education system, eh?

Talk To The Hand ...

Well, it's later on parade than previous years, but the BHF just couldn't resist a bit of last-minute scaremongery.

Feasting on Christmas Day could see the average person eating the equivalent of half a pack of lard in saturated fat and as much salt as would be found in 50 packets of crisps, the British Heart Foundation has warned. 

Victoria Taylor, senior heart health dietitian at the British Heart Foundation, said: "I'm sure many of us will overindulge on Christmas Day and if that's where it stopped it probably wouldn't make that much difference. 

"But once you've added together the Christmas parties, family gatherings and New Year festivities it's likely that you're eating and drinking much more than recommended."

Oh, do go boil your head, love. Is there a recommended level of nagging per year? Because, if so, I reckon the BHF exceeded it around February time.

Merry Christmas to everyone who has passed by this tabloid corner of cyberchatter in the past twelve months. Ignore the bores, enjoy the day and live it up like a mofo. Cheers!

Progressing To The 1950s

As we approach the festive season, with all the culinary delights it entails, here is a seasonal message of goodwill from public health talking shop, the Conversation.

Interestingly, during the years when rationing was enforced, the prevalence of obesity was negligible in the United Kingdom. And waste was minimised as both individuals and government agencies were busy finding new ways of reducing the waste of food resources to a minimum (sustainable consumption). 

Is it conceivable that some form of food rationing and portion control may help address the dramatic rise in obesity and the sustainability of our foods supply? If we continue to over-consume foods in unsustainable ways for both our health and our planet, we may be left with no other choice.

When you've picked your jaw up off of the floor, we'll continue.

It is interesting to note that political groups who like to call themselves 'progressive' are the most enthusiastic towards bans and restrictions on lifestyle choices such as this. A sizeable majority of public health professionals, too, would willingly describe their agenda as 'progressive', though how a return to 1950s food control can be remotely linked with progress is entirely beyond me. I wonder if this rationing will be suspended for Christmas time? Whaddya think?

Well, considering über-progressive George Monbiot was arguing last week that we should make Christmas presents out of sticky back plastic and egg boxes, I suspect not.

Good grief.

H/T MyChoice Australia

UPDATE: I've just noticed that Snowdon was quick off the mark with this public health claptrap.

You Don't Say!

Over half of smokers in Ireland smoked more than usual over the recent Christmas period, with most blaming this on increased socialising, new research has found.

No, really?

According to a survey of over 1,000 adults, 55% smoked more than usual over the festive period, with almost seven in 10 putting this down to more socialising. Some 40% said they would smoke at least a full extra pack of cigarettes during Christmas week then they would in a normal week.

Other reasons for an increase in the habit at this time of the year included 'boredom', 'no work restrictions' and 'I'm treating myself'.

Hmm, what a conundrum for tobacco control. How do they prevent this? Well, enforced restrictions on home smoking might help, eh?

Oh yeah, and ban Christmas! When health is the only issue worthy of consideration these days, it's a no brainer, isn't it?

It's Christmas, Let The Misery Commence!

How do you know when Christmas is really close?

Tree up and tinsel glittering around the house? Santa in your local department store? Easter eggs on the shelves at Asda?

Nope, it's none of the above. It's when the grinches pop up every-fucking-where.

The BBC have led the way today with blanket coverage of what they call 'Black Friday' ... or a night where a hell of a lot of people enjoy their annual Christmas works party to the rest of us. It's an exceptionally busy night because - for many many out tonight - it is the only time in the year they'll do it.

Even that is too often for the tutters and head-shakers.

The doom and gloom has been laid on thick, with Beeb reporters camped out in Cardiff just itching to report on puke and gore. Ambulance drivers have been wheeled on TV and radio all day to bemoan the fact that they have to work harder than usual, and to make the customary air-headed demand for charges on top of the taxes citizens have already handed over to pay their wages. Of course, if we were all tucked up early in bed and their services weren't needed, they'd be striking and marching on parliament once their jobs were cut.

Words to describe the evening - like jovial, revelry, merriment, celebration, carnival etc - have been replaced with carnage, mayhem, bedlam and irresponsibility.

Happy pigging Christmas to you too, you whey-faced tossers!

And just to prove it's a global thing, here's some quite hilarious idiot from Boston describing his decision to tell kids to "leave the Christmas cookies, cakes, candy bars, and soda at home and to bring fruits, unsweetened juices, popcorn and raisins instead.".

Superintendent Everett Olsen says the ban on holiday sweets has nothing to do with being politically correct, rather, his motive is simply promoting a healthy lifestyle.

“We aren’t trying to take the Christmas out of Christmas. We’re not trying to take the enjoyment out of children’s lives. We’re just trying to act responsible,” he told WBZ NewsRadio 1030’s Mike Macklin.

It seems that even Christmas isn't free of the toffee-nosed snobbery of the self-righteous. Because they, of course, are entirely perfect in their choices and restraint. Having fun and abandoning oneself to joyful things is just so common, isn't it?

There's still another week of this crap to go yet, too. Let's see what other miserable shite these morons have lined up before the 25th finally shuts their hideous traps, eh?

Merry Xmas Everybody

On Xmas Eves past I've posted a letter to Santa, but my hopes for an end to 'hysterical nannying' are never fulfilled, sadly.

Therefore, this Xmas I shall wish for something far more likely to be granted, like these guys did in their criminally underplayed seasonal offering.

Yes, there really is more chance of taking a 23-eyed alien as a pet than our maternal state leaving us to go about our lives unfettered. We can't, it would appear, change the cards we are dealt (without blowing things up, of course), we can merely play the hand in such a way as to mitigate the worst excesses our hideous legislators seek to force upon us ... and boy have we seen some of those in 2010! Let's hope we can be more optimistic come Xmas 2011.

By the way, if you thought my using Xmas throughout this post was lazy or irreverent, it isn't. In fact, in doing so I've added a traditional flavour to the piece, as the Churchmouse - a good friend of this blog and a perfect person to link to at this time of year - explains fully here.

The ‘X’ comes from the Greek ‘chi-rho’ symbol, illustrated at left. These are the first two letters of ‘Christ’ in Greek. This was the way ‘Christ’ was written in English until the advent of the printing press, which couldn’t handle the symbol, for obvious reasons. So, printers used an ‘X’ for ‘Christ’. Xmas is pronounced ‘Christmas’.

So, it isn’t disrespectful at all to write ‘Xmas’ in a seasonal greeting. In fact, it’s the oldest way.

And there were Slade, probably thinking they were being a bit edgy back in 1973, eh?

So Merry Xmas to everyone who has popped into this grumpy grotto during the year (apart from ASH nosey-bonks, natch). Whether you've been naughty or nice, may you and yours enjoy a fantastic festive period.

Let the over-indulgence commence!

10 Ways Christmas Is Good For You

In case you haven't already seen it ... after a year of putting up with a constant drone from the miserabilist health lobby, here's the perfect Christmas antidote courtesy of Patrick Basham and John Luik.

10 WAYS CHRISTMAS IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH

1. DRINKING ALCOHOL…

There is overwhelming scientific evidence that moderate drinkers live longer than teetotalers. Moreover, the recent Million Women Study in the UK, which looked at the link between drinking and cancer, found that nondrinking women had a higher incidence of cancer than those women who had one drink a day. American researchers found men consuming two alcoholic drinks a day had a 36 percent less risk of developing diabetes.

2. OVEREATING…

There is considerable evidence that one’s longevity is directly linked to one’s plumpness. In a massive study of weight and mortality, Dr Katherine Flegal from the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that the longest lived were not the thin but rather those who were overweight, a finding confirmed in many other studies. Increases in overweight and obesity have been paralleled by falls in US mortality from coronary heart disease and stroke. And life expectancy continues to increase, despite the supposed massive increase in obesity.

3. FATTY FOODS…

British research has found that high-fat cheeses, such as stilton, protect against tooth decay. They are also rich in cholesterol from which the hormones estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone are synthesised. Cholesterol is also essential to the production of vitamin D, which regulates calcium levels. And while at the dining or buffet table, be sure to pile on the turkey. It’s full of tryptophan, which raises the level of serotonin in the brain, which in turn reduces stress, improves mood, and improves sleep patterns.

4. CHOCOLATE…!!!

Few women need a research study to tell them that chocolate boosts mood, activity levels, and even sex drive – well, dark chocolate, anyway. Nevertheless, scientists inform us that dark chocolate may also reduce risk of a stroke or a heart attack. American research published in the Journal of Agricultural and Food Science found that cocoa, when consumed at doses equivalent to two dark chocolate bars per day for humans, significantly reduced chemical markers for heart disease in a group of lab animals on a high-fat diet.

5. ENJOY BEING LAZY…

The body uses down-time to repair tissues and rebuild immunity. American researchers have found that unrelieved stress can decrease one’s immunity by up to 40 percent. Consequently, Professor Peter Axt argues that time spent lazing around each day is a better way than exercise to ensure you live longer. In On the Joy of Laziness, Axt writes, ‘We always think we have to be doing something but doing nothing … could be better’.

6. OR, WALK IT OFF…

A post-Christmas dinner walk is almost certain to make one feel better. An article published in the International Journal of Clinical Practice found two dozen physiological ailments and psychological conditions that walking may prevent.

7. ALL IN THE FAMILY…

Spending Christmastime with people one loves – assuming that includes one’s family – can improve one’s mental health. Psychologist Edward Diener’s research has found a very strong connection between research subjects’ unhappiness and their poor social relationships. Economist Andrew Oswald controversially theorises that better family relationships would be far better for societal well-being than a financially richer society.

8. LAUGHTER’S STILL THE BEST MEDICINE…

Whether one finds comic relief in a favourite TV programme or a favourite relative, American researchers have found that laughter boosts one’s immune system, reduces tension and stress levels, exercises one’s heart, and releases feel-good hormones in the brain.

9. KEEP THE CARDS COMING…

For most of us, our mood improves when we receive a Christmas card. American research has found that the more Christmas cards we receive, the higher our self-esteem and the better our mood.

10. POWER OF PRAYER…

‘Tis the politically incorrect season, so we would be amiss to ignore a study recently published in the British Medical Journal that found the act of praying slows down one’s breathing rate and has a calming effect on the heart.

Public Sector Demand

I've seen a vision of the future.

Yesterday, a post office van stopped outside Puddlecote Towers and mercifully delivered two rather large packages ordered online about a week or so before. After this unexpected relief (they were the little Ps' major pressies), I watched through the window as the same guy distributed five other smaller packages to houses in the near neighbourhood.

On a Sunday.

I've been ordering online for nearly a decade now but I've never seen that before. But this year's two bouts of snow-wrestling must have put such a strain on postal backlog that something had to be done about it.

Such items are regularly too big for a postman to carry on his round, so who could blame them for not doing so? Apart from the Daily Mail, of course. As such, and since online shopping will become increasingly prevalent in the future, we could soon be seeing the Sunday delivery round becoming a fairly regular occurrence.

It's good to see adaptation from the Royal Mail. A state funded organisation identifying that they must change to fit the preferences of the public who pay their wages.

It would be nice if the NHS could follow the same principle. You know, adapt their state funded service to the lifestyles of those who pay for it, instead of taking our money then ordering us all to change our way of life.

Just saying.

New Year Resolution And Stories For 2010

Right, let's get the resolution out of the way first, and it won't surprise you to learn that it is nothing to do with smoking. I have only one this year. Well, one and a bit really but the other is more of a stern note to self.

In 2010, I resolve to cease the practice of pointing out which actors are dead when watching non-current films. Apparently, it is off-putting to Mrs P & the little 'uns to hear "he's dead", "she died a couple of years ago", or, as is sometimes the case, "I think he's the only one still alive" while they are enjoying the movie concerned. I'm not as accurate these days anyway, a fact I learned recently when becoming very confused as to the current mortal situation of Charles Bronson and James Garner while watching the Great Escape.

Secondly, I really must make a bigger effort this coming year to leave the lime pickle alone at the curry house. I know it tastes like toilet duck but it always seduces me to have a nibble. Come on Dick, it's about time you took the aversion therapy hint ... even after a few Cobras.

And finally for 2009, it seems many are predicting stuff. Recommended for clever thinking is Man in a Shed, whilst for humour, you could check out A Tory.

The difference between their lists and mine? Theirs might happen, whilst you most definitely will read these stories in the news in 2010.

So, here they are, my awesome foursome.

1) A fire causes an evacuation of Action on Smoking & Health's (ASH) Shoreditch offices. Damage is limited as documents catch fire first, with the smell of burning bullshit so noticeable that the fire brigade turn up before anyone can think to call them. Subsequent investigations are unsure as to the cause of the fire. Some say it was Deborah Arnott's habit of toasting bread by breathing on it, while others point to the regular occurrence of Martin Dockrell's pants spontaneously combusting when he speaks.

2) Labour win the general election after coming up with an ingenious campaigning device of pretending not to be Labour. The tactic, secretly dubbed the 'St Peter defence' by Labour HQ, advises all Labour doorsteppers to ask for votes without mentioning their party. All candidates are registered with their names prefixed by the letter A twice, and advised to urge voters to stick their X next to the first name on the ballot paper. Prime Minister Gordon Aabrown hails the 30 seat majority as a massive mandate for his policies and promptly sells Cornwall to the French in order to pay for a doubling of the Jobseekers Allowance.

3) Teen pregnancies fall significantly as Labour's education policies start to hit home. Studies into the good news discover that, although teens are having just as much sex as before, the level of male youth intelligence is so poor that they routinely forget to come. Ed Aaballs welcomes the figures as vindication of Labour's education targets and promises further reductions once young girls start forgetting where their vagina is.

4) Jeremy Paxman is replaced on Newsnight by the forumites of Mumsnet. Instantly, politicians are left floundering in the face of quite brutal questioning. Vince Cable's reputation is destroyed when he can't give a straight answer when asked which brand of oven chips go best with Iceland choc ice, and David Cameron's election chances are torpedoed when he is unable to identify the wash temperature and cycle applicable to a polyester tie. Similarly, Harriet Aaharman's approval rating tumbles when she refuses an invitation to an Ann Summers party in Slough.

The crystal ball also hints at Don Shenker being recruited by the BBC for a remake of One Foot in the Grave as a hardcore Victor Meldrew with increased misery, and England losing in the World Cup but there being no obvious hate figure, leaving the Sun to just blame Cristiano Ronaldo again.

Remember you read it all here first!

Thanks to everyone who has visited this year, especially those who have brightened many a day in the comments, a Happy New Year to all of you from the Puddlecotes. May your jewel robbing in 2010 be lucrative, and your future as righteous-free as possible.

Bring on the fireworks!

The Lost Joys

Perhaps it's a self-employed thing, but I tend to be stubbornly resistant to illness while the world is assiduous and active. The moment total relaxation sets in, so does the bastard lurgey.

Sniffles arrived Christmas morning and, after consuming each of the 15 items on the festively-adorned dining table, the ensuing 40 odd hours were reduced to a sluggish torpor with my energy level not much above that of my cat the day after he had been drugged for his knackers to be cut off.

In hindsight, it was only the loud application of energetic early 80s punk and new wave that drove me through cooking the Christmas dinner anyway. If Mrs P hadn't been at the in-laws with the little Ps, and the non-headphone ban on Siouxsie, PiL, Toyah, The Tubes and Buzzcocks had still been in effect, they probably would have been served up oxtail soup and toast instead.

Boxing Day was a dead loss too. Alternating between involuntary shivering and equatorial heat flushes, my legs doggedly refused to give up on a strict work to rule policy, while the other Puddlecotes played a Wii dancing game so energetic that just the possibility of my being invited to participate was almost enough to induce tears.

With symptoms faded, a return to the keyboard sees an RSS feed with over 500 unread items, and a quick read around the blogroll reveals that the righteous have been spending Christmas Day issuing fucking press releases. The saying does mention 'no rest for the rancid, hideous wicked' though, or something like that, so we shouldn't be overly surprised.

I've much catching up to do and would seem to be in a touchy mood, with little things jumping out of the page and being extremely irritating. Such as this.

If the sentence is carried out, it would be the first time an EU national has been executed in China for 50 years.

EU national? Has post-Lisbon federalism kicked in to this extent already?

Expect some Tim Worstall style brevity from here in the next couple of days if this mood lasts.

A Letter To Santa Revisited

Just a bit of running around to do today, distributing bags of presents, collecting a tax-efficient box of tobacco, and no doubt enjoying the odd mince pie on my travels. Then the decks are cleared for a right royal day of seasonal excess tomorrow.

Merry Christmas to all who visited my grumpy grotto in 2009, may your seasonal cheer be unfettered by the righteous, and may your celebratory cup runneth over throughout the holiday.

Considering last year's readership here could have comfortably fitted inside a VW Beetle, here is another airing of my letter to Santa on this day in 2008. He singularly disappointed last time out, so fingers crossed he bucks his ideas up tonight.

Dear Santa,

I'm turning in soon and will have my stocking at the end of the bed. I would have put it above the chimney but it could pose a fire risk which health & safety have told me is a no-no, I hope you understand.

It will mean that you have to climb the stairs to my bedroom. My partner is in the bed with me so I'd advise you to notify the police before your visit, in case an anonymous passer-by reports you as a sex pest.

It also means that you will have to deposit your kind gifts to the bedrooms of my two children. Obviously, this means that you will be left unattended with them, so could you please make sure that you have your enhanced CRB clearance with you before entry. If you do not yet have one, don't worry, it only takes about 3 months to come through once you have paid your £36 fee and filled in the necessary documentation.

The kids have both asked for Doctor Who stuff, but as you know, these are licenced products from the BBC so I hope you have their permission before your elves start running off thousands of Dalek voice-changing helmets. We are living in litigious times so it's best to make sure the paperwork is in order.

I understand that you may like to park your sleigh on the roof, but I'd advise against it as if you loosen a tile which falls off and hits someone, I will get sued and I will blame you to save my own finances. Best park it somewhere on the street but please remember that some areas are permit-holders only, so you could face a £50 fine if in the wrong bay (£30 if paid to the council within 14 days).

I have to remind you that the Government recently brought out rules on how to treat pets, so please make sure your reindeer don't appear distressed. The Government say that they won't levy a fine, but the RSPCA will use the guidelines to bring a prosecution against you. I wouldn't like you to go through that seeing as you are giving us loads of stuff for nothing. Just be careful, that's all.

I usually leave you some sherry and a couple of mince pies, but you seem to be a bit obese which we are told is very wrong, so it'll just be a couple of Ryvitas this year if that's OK. Oh yeah, and the sherry isn't happening either. Firstly, you're driving which means you will definitely kill someone and lose your job and vehicle according to the advert on the telly, and secondly, I'm sure other, less responsible, people will be leaving you all manner of alcoholic beverages which will put you over your limit of 21 units per week. I'll leave you a carrot smoothie instead.

Sorry, I digress. Once parked on the street, you can access the chimney by erecting your scaffolding to the side of the house. Sorry, you're not allowed to use a ladder to go above the first floor, health and safety has decreed it. It's scaffolding or you will be closed down. The scaffold and platforms will probably need to be inspected by a council employee so please make sure you give them a call first.

Having got the smallprint out of the way, here's what I want for Christmas, my porky friend.

Please, please, PLEASE can we have an end to this hysterical nannying nonsense next year?

On your way back to Lapland, could you please drop something big and heavy, and preferably explosive, on the Palace of Westminster? And if you do, I should be most grateful if you could shout "Ho, ho, bloody ho!" as you do it.

Love,
Dick

Have it large, all.

Drink Driving Santa

Right. I've watched my first Scrooge film of the season, followed by the Great Escape yet again, after having hit Tesco very early this morning** to get the fridge stocked for the 25th. The office is officially in skeletal mode and the darts is on the telly. It really is beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Remember, though, that while we all kick back and relax at this time of year, for the righteous, it's a finger-wagging extravaganza.

Here are some Canucks being a right yuletide pain in the ass earlier this month.

Santa may be trading in his plates of cookies and glasses of milk and sucking back cold ones this Christmas.

That's the message Labatt is sending after ads surfaced at Mac's Convenience Stores across Ontario saying, "Leave one out for Santa. He's driving," and show a bottle of Labatt's Blue de-alcoholized beer.

But some consumers say it sends the wrong message. "I don't think that's quite appropriate," said Kathleen Clifford, 65, who saw the ad at a Mac's at Gerrard and Mutual Sts. yesterday.

"Children see that and they think we'd better leave beer for Santa instead of cookies and milk." she said. "I have grandchildren and great-granchildren and I don't approve of it. Maybe I'm an old fuddy-duddy."

Alan Middleton, a marketing professor at the Schulich School of Business at York University said the ad breaks the "golden rule" to never associate drinking with driving in a sales pitch.

"They're positioning that you can have a beer and you're still safe to drive, but they can't control how many of those 0.5% beers people consume," Middleton said.

"They thought being this lower alcohol would get them off the hook, but I don't think it does. This is a silly ad and if they've got a decent product, it should be powerful enough."

To précis, I think this means that there should be no 'merry' in Christmas.

** Ice on the inside of the windscreen - that global warming's a bastard.

UPDATE: Via the Curmudgeon, more miserable Christmas wishes and Chris Huhne hopefully quoted out of context (if not, he is a bit of an idiot).

Santa Satire Is Snow Joke

VGIF recently highlighted a report in the British Medical Journal arguing that Santa was bad for the nation's health. He quoted all the best snippets in his piece here, but this is one example.

Santa is a public health hazard - promoting obesity and drink-driving, experts have claimed.

Images of a fat, jolly and somewhat tipsy Father Christmas send out the wrong message and could damage millions of lives, they said.

Snowdon ended the article in almost pleading tone.

The full article is behind a pay wall at the moment. I'll read it all tomorrow and it had better turn out to be an elaborate hoax, because if this is meant to be taken seriously, there is no hope.

Fortunately, via antipodean freedom-lover Crampton, the report author, Nathan Grills, explains his bafflement that no-one got the joke.

Most of the 'Santa- A public Health Pariah' article is meant to be tongue-in-cheek. It's a Christmas spoof. It's supposed to be spreading a bit of Christmas cheer, but with a tinge of seriousness to provoke a bit of healthy Christmas dinner table conversation. The BMJ Christmas edition is a special edition with much humour.

Unfortunately, the article has spread like wildfire but it has lost a bit of the Christmas cheer element.

I don't think Nathan quite understands the make-up of humour. A spoof can't readily be taken as a spoof, especially one published in the generally condemnatory BMJ, if it's possible that it could be true.

It would appear that Nathan himself believed that no-one could possibly take such nonsense seriously, but then he is an epidemiologist who is no doubt blissfully unaware of the contempt with which much of the public view some of the guff produced by his colleagues.

Christmas cheer? We suffer these alarmist nuisances criticising every aspect of our lives for the whole of the preceding eleven and a half months, why would we be cheered by Santa being condemned as a public health threat?

It's no more stupid than many other studies we have seen in 2009, so is quite readily credible.

After all, as Crampton points out.

A piece 40 years ago advocating banning smoking in public outdoor places would have been seen as satire too though.

Compared with such lunacy, the idea that Santa is easing your kids into an early coffin doesn't strike one as so bizarre.

Parental Duties

Any parent will know Christmas is on its way when entire nights are taken up by compulsory attendance at seasonal productions which would usually have honest critics scurrying for their derogasuarus.

That was me. Tonight.

Incredibly, this year's offering was surprisingly good. A proper play with no references (as featured in previous school gatherings) to Africans walking miles for water, thinly-veiled health hectoring, or diversity of religion.

Quite the opposite, in fact, considering the set revolved around a typically English Christmas Eve party with labelled empty bottles of booze being pretend poured for 9 year old pretend parents. And the teacher who did all the work was publicly awarded a festive bottle of alcohol-infused fun for her efforts.

Very refreshing. So much so that I exited, past the "International Day" photos, and pictorial depictions of every religion except Christianity, in the reception area, in a right Christmassy mood. It's a nice feeling, I just wish it could happen every year.

As such, this blog has been out of action for tonight, so I can only refer you to Boaty & D, who today carry three excellent posts for your perusal. Most notably, this précis of Labour's term in office.

Our soldiers are fighting a lost cause with Swiss Army knives;
Our education system still can't get more than half the kids to get a C no matter how easy they make it;
Violent crime is getting worse every day;
Our health system has been rated amongst the worst in Europe;
The average couple now pay so much tax that both are forced to work and cannot afford to stay at home and look after their own children;
Our pension system is destroyed, public and private;
House prices are huge - not just because of the population but the amount of stock removed for right-to-buy in a vain hope for a pension;
Food prices are huge because of the absurdity of the CAP and CFP that this spineless party won't stand up to;
The biggest national debt in peace time;
The biggest yearly contraction since 1921;
We can't even have a fucking fag without paying £5 to Gordon and being thrown outside;
We have the most CCTV in the world;
We have 'anti-terror' laws that would make a banana republic blush;
We have so many offenders in prison Judges need to let people off, yet none of them are ever properly punished or rehabilitated;
There is massive unemployment;
The hard right are on the march;
We have whole areas of the country that ravaged with crime and poverty because after 12 years there is still no regeneration;
We owe £178 BILLION.

This is what socialism gets you. Forget New Labour, or Labour or any other name they come up with, it is social-democracy and it has destroyed this country.

Couldn't agree more. Do read the two that follow as well. I'm off to wrap the kids' presents while I'm feeling happy.

They were a bit disappointed with the five pack of Mars Bars last year, so I've upped the stakes ... Fry's Chocolate Creams. Nothing's too good for my two, bless 'em.

Have Yourself A Righteous Little Christmas

Righteous miserablists linking party revellers with death and illness to others? It must be Christmas.

The London Ambulance Service has set up a booze hospital for festive revellers a week earlier than last year.

Duty Station Officer for City and Hackney Nick Lesslar said: "Every minute that we spend mopping up vomit, is a minute that could have been spent helping a patient who is seriously ill or injured".

The annual dog whistle to risk averse brow-furrowers everywhere has begun, folks. Rejoice.

As is the custom, though, it's a deliberate misdirection. What is really happening is that duties are being re-arranged to fit with demands on the NHS from those who pay for it. If services are truly being denied to seriously ill or injured patients in other areas, then I'd say it reflects more on poor management of resources and that there are NHS managers out there who are due a P45.

Friendly advice is fine, Nick, but can we have less of the scaremongery and guilt-fostering please?

Interestingly, amongst the advice for festive party-goers from the Liverpool Street team is:

Eat before drinking to help soak up alcohol;

Which would appear to be one of the barstool myths reported by the Independent this week (as spotted by the Curmudgeon).

It isn't true that eating a massive meal full of carbohydrates before you head out on the piss will stop you from getting paralytic. It is true, however, that having a full stomach slows down the rate at which the alcohol is absorbed into your blood stream so you might not feel drunk as quickly as usual. However, studies show that this just inclines people to consume more booze.

Studies? Studies? More than one? So why are NHS staff ignoring them and giving potentially dangerous advice?

Expect tons more of this type of reporting before you sit down to eat your roast turkey in just under a month's time ... and don't expect to enjoy that either as the imposition of guilt on your annual blowout will start to emerge in the next couple of weeks, I reckon.

Dear Santa ...

Dear Santa,

I'm turning in soon and will have my stocking at the end of the bed. I would have put it above the chimney but it could pose a fire risk which health & safety have told me is a no-no, I hope you understand.

It will mean that you have to climb the stairs to my bedroom. My partner is in the bed with me so I'd advise you to notify the police before your visit, in case an anonymous passer-by reports you as a sex pest.

It also means that you will have to deposit your kind gifts to the bedrooms of my two children. Obviously, this means that you will be left unattended with them, so could you please make sure that you have your enhanced CRB clearance with you before entry. If you do not yet have one, don't worry, it only takes about 3 months to come through once you have paid your £36 fee and filled in the necessary documentation.

The kids have both asked for Doctor Who stuff, but as you know, these are licenced products from the BBC so I hope you have their permission before your elves start running off thousands of Dalek voice-changing helmets. We are living in litigious times so it's best to make sure the paperwork is in order.

I understand that you may like to park your sleigh on the roof, but I'd advise against it as if you loosen a tile which falls off and hits someone, I will get sued and I will blame you to save my own finances. Best park it somewhere on the street but please remember that some areas are permit-holders only, so you could face a £50 fine if in the wrong bay (£30 if paid to the council within 14 days).

I have to remind you that the Government recently brought out rules on how to treat pets, so please make sure your reindeer don't appear distressed. The Government say that they won't levy a fine, but the RSPCA will use the guidelines to bring a prosecution against you. I wouldn't like you to go through that seeing as you are giving us loads of stuff for nothing. Just be careful, that's all.

I usually leave you some sherry and a couple of mince pies, but you seem to be a bit obese which we are told is very wrong, so it'll just be a couple of Ryvitas this year if that's OK. Oh yeah, and the sherry isn't happening either. Firstly, you're driving which means you will definitely kill someone and lose your job and vehicle according to the advert on the telly, and secondly, I'm sure other, less responsible, people will be leaving you all manner of alcoholic beverages which will put you over your limit of 21 units per week. I'll leave you a carrot smoothie instead.

Sorry, I digress. Once parked on the street, you can access the chimney by erecting your scaffolding to the side of the house. Sorry, you're not allowed to use a ladder to go above the first floor, health and safety has decreed it. It's scaffolding or you will be closed down. The scaffold and platforms will probably need to be inspected by a council employee so please make sure you give them a call first.

Having got the smallprint out of the way, here's what I want for Christmas, my porky friend.

Please, please, PLEASE can we have an end to this hysterical nannying nonsense next year?

On your way back to Lapland, could you please drop something big and heavy, and preferably explosive, on the Palace of Westminster? And if you do, I should be most grateful if you could shout "Ho, ho, bloody ho!" as you do it.

Love,
Dick

(Merry Christmas everyone)