A Freedom-Loving Fantasy Frontbench

A new website and app designed, according to its creators, to "empower voters by providing political information in an engaging and accessible format" has been launched today. Fantasy Frontbench carries information on general election candidates' stance on 75 policy issues from which you are invited to create your own fantasy cabinet.

So I've used it to select a dream team of 22 ministers who are sound on lifestyle issues we jewel robbers discuss on these pages.

I've gone for the genial David Davis as Prime Minister, which isn't so far-fetched because he would be if the Tories hadn't had a collective meltdown in 2005 in choosing a bedwetter as their party leader. He'd need an able sidekick, so consummate libertarian Doug Carswell fills the Deputy PM role.

Two ministers stay where they are in my reshuffle, Eric Pickles for having the courage to clamp down on sock puppets in local government, and Chris Grayling for being the most prominent MP to vote against plain packs.

Two Labour MPs are included, in the form of Kate Hoey who has always been uncharacteristically liberal for her party, and Simon Danczuk is Justice Secretary for his dogged work on child abuse. In the regions, ex-Labour brawler Eric Joyce is responsible for slapping some sense into Scotland, while Guto Bebb takes on the Welsh job and Ian Paisley can start work on getting back the 900 jobs lost recently in Northern Ireland thanks to stupid government interference.

At health, I have Mark Pawsey to be a firm hand over the NHS and to ensure e-cigs are kept out of overweening regulation, while Nigel Farage takes Culture Media and Sport to oversee a renaissance for pubs with an amendment to the smoking ban, amongst other fun tasks.

Sound as a pound Steve Baker is my Chancellor for his experience in the City, and last but not least, our esteemed mascot is, of course, Leader of the House.

You can see my choices for all 22 positions by clicking here - it's interesting to note that more than three quarters of these liberal types were not educated at Oxbridge institutions. Perhaps that's where the paternalist streak gets injected, who knows?

You can view all the candidates' voting records and make your own choices for top jobs at http://www.fantasyfrontbench.com/. Do consider sharing your line-ups in the comments, I'm curious to learn if I've overlooked anyone.

Number 4 With A Bullet!

Woo hoo!

I begged; you humoured me.

UK's Top 50 Worst Political Blogs 2013

10. Spiked
9. Underdogs Bite Upwards
8. The Commentator
7. Frank Davis
6. Velvet Glove, Iron Fist
5. Comment is Free
4. Dick Puddlecote
3. Harry's Place
2. Guido
1  Socialist Unity Blog 

I must get me a sidebar badge for this noteworthy achievement. Anyone good with graphics?

Harlots Given Modesty Deadline By The Co-Op

From Media Week:

Sharons, Traceys and Chardonnays have until 9 September to dress in a potato sack, or The Co-operative will cease to serve them, the supermarket chain has announced.

The request for decent attire, which would cover scantily clad women at the checkout, is aimed at protecting children from seeing sexy girls out to grab a bag of Doritos or a can of Smirnoff Ice.

The Co-operative has already introduced linen sheets to conceal most of the prominent attributes of their young female customers, in accordance with guidelines drawn up by the Mary Whitehouse Legacy Foundation, in association with the National Federation of Retail Newsagents and endorsed by Porno Perry.

It is now asking lascivious flesh-exposers, including clubbers and those just out on a hot afternoon, to provide their own coverings, saying that it is responding to concerns by its customers about the over-exposure of children to the carefully-crafted sexual image of many females who visit Co-op stores.

Steve Murrells, chief executive of retail for The Co-operative Group, said: "Whilst we have tried to mitigate the likelihood of young children seeing strumpets in hot pants with a number of measures in-store, the most effective way of doing this is for these slappers to be concealed with their own money.

"Tarts in bikini tops now have until 9 September to start covering up their alluring bits, after which any lads' dream date who does not look like a haggard old prude will not be served in our stores."

The company's retail arm, The Co-operative Food, claims to be one of the biggest teen and twenty-something suppliers in the country, with more than 4,000 stores.

A spokeswoman for young women everywhere did not confirm whether they would cover up for the Co-Op, but said: "We are sensitive to the mood of the public and to that end we have responded accordingly, and have changed from a string and a smile to skater skirts and a crop top.

"We already have agreements in place with all major retailers, including the Co-op, to ensure our nation's finest totty is displayed appropriately and we work closely with all retailers to ensure they are adhered to."

A spokesman for the PPA said: "The average age of a drooling lech is 30, according to the National Geezer Survey, and these scantily-clad girls are not created for, or marketed to, children."

In the style of Mark W

How Can We Govern If People Are Thinking For Themselves?

Yes, I know Downfall parodies are somewhat passé these days but just in case you haven't seen this video which has been bouncing lethargically around Twitter ...

Well, it made me laugh anyway.

Spooky

I signed up for a forum today and the captcha phrase on registration was this.

I feel like they know me already.

Congrats Frankie

So, we have a new Pope, then. Time for Cardinals to celebrate a job well done.

... And also with you

Image courtesy of this lot, from where I know not, and posted for no other reason than I thought you might like it.

It brings to mind this article by Andrew Brown from 2010.

Persistent reports over the last few years indicate that Pope Benedict XVI enjoys an occasional cigarette – Marlboro Red, it is claimed – in quiet moments, away from prying cameras. 

During World Youth Day in Australia in 2008, a bodyguard claimed that the Holy Father had smoked three cigarettes in quick succession. To think of the Pope enjoying a relaxing draw on a King Size cigarette packed with smooth Virginia tobaccos… it only makes me admire him more.

Amen, I say. Amen.

I Can Think Of Better Ways To Defend Playing Fields

Those renowned lefty patriotic (oxymoron?) rabble-rousers 38 Degrees have been tapping into the tidal wave of Olympic frenzy for their latest campaign, I see.

The Education Secretary, Michael Gove, has quietly relaxed the rules protecting school playing fields, opening the door for them to be sold off to developers.

Without their playing fields it’s hard to imagine the children of today will ever match this year’s record Olympic medal haul.

It's not hard to imagine at all, actually. Looking at where we won our medals at London 2012, a lack of playing fields isn't going to harm future medal tallies that much.


I count six of those medals - out of a total of 65 - being attributable to access to playing fields, but only at schools before those who are good enough move inevitably to local athletics tracks, of which there are already many state-funded examples.

No. If we want to match or improve upon London 2012, just create more rowing, cycling and equestrian venues along with better tarmacked roads, a few extra swimming pools and improved sailing facilities. Also, I think we could do a bit better in the shooting if we abolished some of the silly laws which hamper potential Olympians, and a more pro-active emphasis on violence could see the boxing and taekwondo yield increase.

I don't think 38 Degrees would be too happy about a lot of the above though, somehow.

Still, political campaigns don't bother with accuracy these days. Emotion and righteous anger is enough.

Meat-Only Monday

If you think scare tactics using 'the chiiildren' and health junk science are bad enough, pity the agricultural industry who are being accused of destroying the world, no less.

Much like alcohol, tobacco and fast food controllers just happen to share the same wish for destruction of big business as the traditional left, a similar stunning coincidence is occurring with climate change dovetailing in nicely with the fantasies of vegetarian evangelists.

In ageing hippie-infested California, Meatless Monday is a movement which has aggressively promoted vegetarianism for all on one day of the week. Nothing to worry about, is it? After all, the tobacco control industry only ever wanted non-smoking areas in restaurants and they have been scrupulously true to their word.

However, the US Department of Agriculture have been caught up in this ideological nonsense, after briefly advocating its employees follow this advice last week. For some reason, they forgot that meat producers are part of the agriculture they are supposed to be promoting and protecting!

The anti 'Big Agriculture' lobby were, naturally, enraged that the USDA drew back from such a stupid position, and the language used might seem rather familiar to readers here.

It's quite telling that the Ag industry is so worried about Meatless Mondays. In all actuality, vegetarians and vegans, while growing, still make up such a small segment of our society. These organizations obviously know the harm they are causing to our planet and to the health of consumers... and they must realize that one day, the atrocities that take place on farms around the country will no longer be tolerated.

Perhaps meat-eating will one day, I dunno, be 'denormalised' perhaps?

The people behind Meatless Monday are a who's who of interlocking highly-funded righteous vested interests, amongst which you won't be surprised to find a certain Mayor Bloomberg. Just another strand of the wider religion-like effort to control and restrict the things that you enjoy.

And we have our own version over here too, complete with Sir Paul McCartney welcoming visitors to the website by describing how they are going into schools and getting in the heads of children ...

"One of the teachers was having a bacon butty and the kid said "err, excuse me Sir", he said "yeah, why, what's wrong?", and he said "you're eating bacon!". And he said "oh yeah" (looking guilty)."

... before weighing in with the emotional blackmail that it's not actually your choice to eat meat because - denormalisation always needs a threat - the planet will die if you do. Ta-dah!

Now, call me cynical, but I reckon they're being a bit melodramatic, as well as hanging their personal crusade on whatever they think they can get away with in order to make others live how they dictate.

So, in the same gentle vein (initially), how about you consider eating only meat on Mondays?

Sauces optional

Why? Well, err, you'll be much happier not having to be led through a supermarket by some spotty kid to find mung beans and pine nuts, and you'll have enough energy not to look emaciated and spaced like McCartney in the aforementioned video.

Of course, it's only voluntary but, if you don't participate, children of livestock farmers all over the world will most likely die of starvation (see what I did there?).

The meat only cookbook (and donation begging website) will be available very soon but, until then, how about some diet suggestions? Cold processed meats for breakfast if you're feeling continental, a bowl of Colman's meatballs for lunch as they are easily microwaved in the office, and a rare sirloin steak for evening meal.

I realise it will be difficult to go straight for the full meat only diet, so you might want to incorporate bread or chips etc as you get into it. However, you will one day notice that you really enjoy testing your molars on some of the finest animal flesh our brave agricultural industry strive to produce for you, and will soon learn to love the lifestyle.

Your breakfast bacon sarnie doesn't need the bread, just make more bacon to make up for it. Pre-cooked chicken is only a couple minutes warm in a 750w for lunch, as is a big bowl of chilli (leave out the kidney beans). And, for dinner, well, it's only traditional as a Brit to support your local kebab shop, tell them to hold the salad, and toss the pitta and chips in the bin on the way home.

It's only a grassroots initiative at the moment, so your own suggestions are welcome, but this is a campaign whose time has come. I don't want to scare you or anything, but there are poor starvation-threatened kids in Dorset who are relying on YOU to protect them.

Eat a cow today! You know it makes sense.

A Parable On Government

Via Theo Spark, a story which could easily be adapted to describe any number of national or local government departments. The tale of the night watchman.

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. 

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." 

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. 

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" 

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. 

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" 

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do the studies and one was to write the reports. 

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" 

So they created two positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer then hired two people. 

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" 

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. 

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $918,000 over budget, we must cut back" 

... so they laid-off the night watchman.

Quite apt, I thought, for a day when we're voting on which set of clowns will be ballsing everything up for the next four years.

A Vision Of Future Britain?

Too far-fetched? Oh, I dunno.

H/T Jay via HOOPs.

Scared Of Everything

From the same team that brought you this video gem, here is a bit of Saturday evening musical fun at the expense of poor risk-terrified flowers everywhere.

Be careful out there, enjoyment can kill doncha know?

Really Big Forehead Syndrome - The New Public Health Scare?

There now follows a report of an important scientific study by way of a guest post by fellow jewel robber, Ivan.

As government public health policy becomes increasingly ridiculous a group of researchers from the Faculty of Investigating Utterly Stupid Public Health Policies (USPHP), led by Professor B. F. O'Grant, think that they might have hit on an explanation. Professor O'Grant explains “Utterly stupid public health policies and utterances are quite normal amongst politicians, but we have developed a method for identifying the spectacularly bad from the routinely daft background noise. In recent weeks we have seen a huge spike in total stupidity that is practically off the scale, so we began to look at possible causes amongst the worst afflicted.

RBFS - Is forehead size related to specific intellectual dysfunction?

Amazingly, the prestigious research team found a link that suggests a significant inverse relationship between intellectual ability and forehead size which seems to apply mostly, but not entirely, to politicians advocating public health policy. They have christened the condition Really Big Forehead Syndrome (RBFS) and have published a peer-reviewed paper in a leading medical journal explaining it.

Sufferers are afflicted by a range of symptoms that affect their ability to think clearly, or even at all, whenever public health interventions are mentioned:

• They often demonstrate a complete lack of common sense, so believe things that the average schoolchild instinctively knows are ridiculous. Such as the idea that charging 50p for a unit of alcohol will deter hardened alcoholics, and kids, from drinking

• They invariably lose all ability to weigh the evidence and make balanced judgements, so are unduly swayed by single issue campaigners exhorting them to excesses that normal people feel are not justified by the available data. This is accompanied by a fidgety restlessness that makes them feel that something must be done. “God alone knows what they would do if alcohol consumption and binge drinking were actually increasing” said Professor O’Grant.

• They also lose all sense of perspective and pursue policies such as plain packaging, and banning shop displays, despite the fact that virtually none of the population that they allegedly represent supports such pointless and annoying stupidity.

• Proportion follows perspective and the victims become obsessed with enforcing their daft draconian policies. This results in punishments for allowing someone to smoke in a bar, or showing them a branded cigarette packet, often being more severe than those for getting hammered and trashing the local town centre.

• They lose all ability to quote statistics consistently. One subject used 3 different figures for alcohol related hospital admissions in as many weeks.

• They regress to a childlike “doctor knows best” state and believe virtually anything that the medically qualified tell them, however dishonest and however far outside the normal scope of medical principles.

• They become paranoid and avoid debate with more rational uninfected people for fear that their version of reality, based on stories told to them by pressure groups, might be criticised for not actually being the truth.

• They are also haunted by hallucinations in which perfectly legal industries are run by living demons spawned by Satan himself.

• They believe in fairies.

"They associate with the wrong kind of obsessive lunatic"

The USPHP team admit that the fairies part does seem odd but point out that they have shown a statistically significant relationship between all the above symptoms and forehead size.

Some people dispute that forehead size automatically indicates stupidity with respect to public health and claim that this particular form of intellectual dysfunction is the result of nurture rather than nature. “These people mean well but when they take up office, they associate with the wrong kind of obsessive lunatic, get in with a bad crowd, and before you know it they are banning something ... well everything really”, said the leading psychologist Professor I. V. Bigagrant.

Action on Smoking and Health (ASH) claim that the USPHP team are secret Ninja academics hired by horned big tobacco devil lizards to discredit their perfectly reasonable proposals. In any case they point out; if RBFS does turn out to be real then they reckon that 50% of the sample probably consists of ex-smokers, so is certain to be smoking-related.

Alcohol Concern claim to have canvassed a representative group of young people, and have already requested that RBFS sufferers be excluded from pre-watershed TV programming with a view to a complete ban in the near future.

The World Cancer Research Fund claim to have already completed a meta-analysis that definitively proves RBFS to be caused by eating too much red meat. They are now working on alcohol and coffee.

The BBC has no idea what RBFS might be but has promised to bore everyone rigid tomorrow over breakfast with non-expert non-entities from its favourite charities, and tame GPs who want to be writers.

Professor O’Grant and his team are upbeat about their findings. They admit that their sample size is too small to claim a causal link without a lot more very expensive research, but claim that their evidence is compelling.

It's THAT Day Again

I'm sure it will be all over the news, but it's that time of year so to be expected, I suppose.

We'll do our best to withstand it, won't we Gentlemen?

(What's that? There was something else momentus being planned today? Can't imagine what it could have been)

The Power Of The Knob Gag

University of Calgary student, Hayley Wade, has just triumphed in a campaign to be elected Vice President of the student's union. Her campaign consisted almost exclusively of hanging this poster above male urinals around the campus.


A similar case was reported here this week too, along with po-faced condemnation from the usual suspects.

I'd make some comment about this being an example of shiny attention-grabbing campaigns being more noticeable in modern electoral circles; how political machines have used such ploys to gain office while hiding their daft policies well out of view; which is why elections merely give us the same tired parties based on image and spin; and that if Hayley has learned that same lesson, she will go a long way.

But it's Friday so I'll simply observe that this proves that the knob gag is still in fashion. Always has been, and always will be.

(But don't tell Ben Elton in case he's tempted to tour again)

Step Away From The Sandcastle!

Child abusers, pictured yesterday

Having met a few health-terrified parents in my time, I sometimes wonder how pitifully boring their kids' lives must be. Here's a brand new health scare - from the US EPA, no less - which could well wreck many a child's summer holiday.

People take certain precautions when they go to the beach. They apply sunscreen to avoid sunburn and stay away from big waves if they are not strong swimmers. But they do not usually worry about getting sick from digging or playing in the sand.

Unfortunately, beach sand could harbor even more harmful bacteria than nearby bathing waters. EPA researchers and their counterparts at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and Johns Hopkins University observed a positive relationship between sand exposure and gastrointestinal (GI) illnesses as a function of fecal microbial pollution in beach sand.

And where did this 'fecal' pollution come from?

[...] the researchers analyzed 144 wet sand samples collected from Fairhope Municipal Park Beach in Fairhope, AL, and Goddard Memorial State Park Beach in Warwick, RI. Both beaches are located less than 2 miles from a publicly owned waste treatment-works outfall.

Yeah, that might have had something to do with it, not that you'd notice from the bald headline which, let's face it, is about the point at which most people make up their minds about this kind of report.

Digging in beach sand linked to increased risk of gastrointestinal illness

Once the Chinese whispers begin in earnest - especially if the Mail get wind of this - it could be the end of days on the beach for Johnny and Jemima Precious. Well, not without latex gloves and a face mask, anyway.

Can't be too careful, eh?

Ineptocracy

A new word for 2012 is brought to you via Menzies House.

The Lure Of Prohibition In A Nutshell

Comedian Tim Minchin has lashed out at ITV after his performance was cut from Jonathan Ross's Christmas special.

Writing on his website, Minchin said he had been asked to compose a song for the show and wrote a "silly, harmless" lyric comparing Jesus to Woody Allen.

He claims the song - which he describes as "not very contentious" - was cut because the broadcaster feared it might generate negative press attention.

I really can't see what the fuss was about, to be honest. Judge for yourself.

Of course, in true prohibitionist tradition, the name Minchin is now far more sellable and recognised than it ever would have been before.

There's a lesson to be learnt there. Not that it ever will be.

Merry Christmas, all.

That's Handy, Harry

Within Puddlecote Towers, there is nothing more preached to the little Ps than basic manners. So much so, that I sometimes catch myself employing hyperbole in making the case for their avoiding being irritating arseholes of the future.

A case in point occurred on Saturday when the boy had unthinkingly transgressed one of Mrs P's golden rules during the day. After dinner, while the kids tucked into a pudding which has probably terrorised Tam Fry in his nightmares, I forensically described an apocalyptic view of his life chances if he continued to treat others without respect.

I laid it on thick, too. He's a good kid generally but - to be frank - he 'lost it' for a while and was pretty rude. To peals of laughter from the 'girls' (and from him, to be fair), I went into a polemic about how he would end up unemployable and stuck in some cockroach infested slum if he didn't get his manners embedded.

Even though I say so myself, it was a work of art. Off the top of my head, I threw in references to rude people we knew, pointed out that even if they were employed, their jobs were dreary, involved exceptionally hard work (something I know kids to find abhorrent), and made the highly unscientific link between that and a future whereby living on a park bench would be a distinct possibility if he didn't buck his ideas up. All laced with a liberal sprinkling of over-the-top humour, a couple of caricatured voice impressions, and the odd funny walk around the table.

Anyway, he got the point but was perhaps sceptical about how manners were really that important. Well, I hope so, anyway, as I'd hate to think he would just believe me without looking for proof himself.

Fortunately in that regard, a life lesson materialised the very next day which could almost have been staged by me, it was so perfect. Equally unscientific, but not in the eyes of a 10 year old.

After finishing the last bits of Christmas shopping, we had treated ourselves to a KFC lunch {waves to Jamie bastard Oliver} before heading home. Despite empty tables around us being littered with finished meals which people couldn't be arsed to throw into the bins, we did exactly that and exited. Just by chance - or because he's the smallest, I dunno - the boy was last out and held the door open for four twenty-something girls who were leaving at the same time, and who I initially thought were together.

The first two breezed past him without even acknowledging he was there, to his visible annoyance. The third and fourth smiled, said thank you, and held the door so he could leave having done his duty.

The ignorants then turned right on exiting and wandered off towards the crappy end of town, effing and blinding as they went, before stopping for a conversation with two slack-jawed berks with their trousers halfway down their underpants.

By contrast, the other two turned left, stopped briefly to look in the First Choice shop next door, audibly talking about where they had booked for their respective summer holidays and - as was exhibited by the sleeve logos we hadn't noticed previously - headed back to gainful employment at the town's higher class department store after their lunch break.

I looked at him, he looked at me. I said "Y'see?". He nodded in silent understanding.

Parenting is easy when life throws you a biscuit like that.

The Mind Boggles, To Be Sure

The [UNICEF] report on sexual health and behaviour [of Irish teenagers] found:

- 82 per cent had had full penetrative sex while 10 per cent said they didn’t know what type of sex they had had

Even after reading that three times, I'm still struggling to imagine the circumstances behind it.

Friday: Laugh At California Day (2)

This could become a regular series at this rate.

It appears that it's fine to wander around naked in San Francisco, but not if you want to sit down. Nope, in health-obsessed SF, that's just too shocking.

And, as the vid says, all proposed by someone called 'Wiener'.

OK, it's an eye-opener - as are many in the film - but that's not the funny part ... this is.

“San Francisco is a liberal and tolerant city, and we pride ourselves on that fact,” Wiener said in a statement.

Bwahahaha! You're killing us here!