New Year Resolution And Stories For 2010

Right, let's get the resolution out of the way first, and it won't surprise you to learn that it is nothing to do with smoking. I have only one this year. Well, one and a bit really but the other is more of a stern note to self.

In 2010, I resolve to cease the practice of pointing out which actors are dead when watching non-current films. Apparently, it is off-putting to Mrs P & the little 'uns to hear "he's dead", "she died a couple of years ago", or, as is sometimes the case, "I think he's the only one still alive" while they are enjoying the movie concerned. I'm not as accurate these days anyway, a fact I learned recently when becoming very confused as to the current mortal situation of Charles Bronson and James Garner while watching the Great Escape.

Secondly, I really must make a bigger effort this coming year to leave the lime pickle alone at the curry house. I know it tastes like toilet duck but it always seduces me to have a nibble. Come on Dick, it's about time you took the aversion therapy hint ... even after a few Cobras.

And finally for 2009, it seems many are predicting stuff. Recommended for clever thinking is Man in a Shed, whilst for humour, you could check out A Tory.

The difference between their lists and mine? Theirs might happen, whilst you most definitely will read these stories in the news in 2010.

So, here they are, my awesome foursome.

1) A fire causes an evacuation of Action on Smoking & Health's (ASH) Shoreditch offices. Damage is limited as documents catch fire first, with the smell of burning bullshit so noticeable that the fire brigade turn up before anyone can think to call them. Subsequent investigations are unsure as to the cause of the fire. Some say it was Deborah Arnott's habit of toasting bread by breathing on it, while others point to the regular occurrence of Martin Dockrell's pants spontaneously combusting when he speaks.

2) Labour win the general election after coming up with an ingenious campaigning device of pretending not to be Labour. The tactic, secretly dubbed the 'St Peter defence' by Labour HQ, advises all Labour doorsteppers to ask for votes without mentioning their party. All candidates are registered with their names prefixed by the letter A twice, and advised to urge voters to stick their X next to the first name on the ballot paper. Prime Minister Gordon Aabrown hails the 30 seat majority as a massive mandate for his policies and promptly sells Cornwall to the French in order to pay for a doubling of the Jobseekers Allowance.

3) Teen pregnancies fall significantly as Labour's education policies start to hit home. Studies into the good news discover that, although teens are having just as much sex as before, the level of male youth intelligence is so poor that they routinely forget to come. Ed Aaballs welcomes the figures as vindication of Labour's education targets and promises further reductions once young girls start forgetting where their vagina is.

4) Jeremy Paxman is replaced on Newsnight by the forumites of Mumsnet. Instantly, politicians are left floundering in the face of quite brutal questioning. Vince Cable's reputation is destroyed when he can't give a straight answer when asked which brand of oven chips go best with Iceland choc ice, and David Cameron's election chances are torpedoed when he is unable to identify the wash temperature and cycle applicable to a polyester tie. Similarly, Harriet Aaharman's approval rating tumbles when she refuses an invitation to an Ann Summers party in Slough.

The crystal ball also hints at Don Shenker being recruited by the BBC for a remake of One Foot in the Grave as a hardcore Victor Meldrew with increased misery, and England losing in the World Cup but there being no obvious hate figure, leaving the Sun to just blame Cristiano Ronaldo again.

Remember you read it all here first!

Thanks to everyone who has visited this year, especially those who have brightened many a day in the comments, a Happy New Year to all of you from the Puddlecotes. May your jewel robbing in 2010 be lucrative, and your future as righteous-free as possible.

Bring on the fireworks!