So we gave up the eggs back in the 80s, none of that Sam & Ella stuff for us. Besides, going to work on an egg is not a balanced diet. Not having none of that beef around either, I mean, are you kidding? Have you heard about CJD? Kills thousands, so it does. Chicken? Yeah right. Like I want to die of Listeria. And pig meat is right out, I don't want cancer thank you very much.
Definitely avoiding salad as well, scientists have told me it's really bad for my health.
I'm also abstaining from bread, and crisps are a definite no-no. I've banned the kids eating peanuts forever too ... just in case. You know how it is.
I'm giving up the tabs (I've told the entire road that it's an exclusion zone too, their smoking is like 'pointing a gun through the wall' at me), have stopped drinking beer in favour of a thimble of Lambrusco on a Saturday, if I'm feeling in a dangerous mood, that is. And salt-infested Corn Flakes won't get my business again, they have been lobbed in the food composter my Lib Dem council forced on me along with the contents of my salt shaker. Disgusting. For crying out loud, don't these capitalist murderers know I'm intending to live to 200+?
The kids screamed a bit at having their breakfast taken away, but they'll soon get used to it, just as they adapted to my destroying their chocolate and banning them from Diet Coke after reading of the hellish properties of what I naively believed to be a less fatty product to the one I enjoyed in my happy childhood.
Nope, it's purely muesli, cannellini beans and homemade carrot casserole for us from now on.
All washed down with a nice, non-threatening, healthy fruit juice or smoothie.
Eh? What's this?
It's time fruit juice loses its wholesome image, some experts say
Compared with soda, juice carries more calories and as much sugar. There's also evidence that high consumption increases the risk of obesity, especially among kids.
The inconvenient truth, many experts say, is that 100% fruit juice poses the same obesity-related health risks as Coke, Pepsi and other widely vilified beverages.
Oh, for crying out loud! FUCK OFF!