It's Been A Long Time Coming

Today, the Puddlecotes shall mostly be at the Oval hoping for no more of this nonsense.

The tickets pre-date this blog, but finally it's cucumber sandwiches all round, and no doubt plenty of Pimms or some such.

Now where did I put my hard hat?

Brown, The Fencepost Tortoise

Received by e-mail this morning.

While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Devon farmer, who had cut it on a gate, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Gordon Brown and his appointment as Prime Minister.

“Well, you know,” drawled the old farmer, “this Brown fellow is what they call a fencepost tortoise.”

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost tortoise was.

The old farmer said, “When you’re driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s called a fencepost tortoise.”

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain, “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he definitely doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in the first place.”

Yep. That just about sums him up.

Dumping Through Hoops

Following the extensive makeover of Chez Puddlecote, a trip to the dump was necessary yesterday to dispose of the various items of building waste, wood, surplus plasterboard and flooring, old appliances, and discarded cabinets. I've read about the fact that the word 'dump' isn't an accurate description anymore (no longer do you turn up, dump your rubbish, then go home) but had not thus far experienced for myself the exercise of running around over a dozen mega-skips, putting each different material in its rightful place. And if you turn up with old kitchen appliances, as we did, you are viewed almost as an eco-terrorist.

It was aptly amusing, then, to see this guy on TV last night talking of the same subject. In particular, the disposal of a fridge. It's a funny clip throughout but the part that struck a chord with us is at 5 minutes onward.

Giant Cock Seen From Space

It was rock hard too.

A school in Surrey recently discovered an interesting piece of artwork on its roof courtesy of eagle eyed users of Google Earth: a 12ft cock.

The gigantic todger made out of bricks appears to have been 'sculpted' on the top of Sutton Grammar School some years back by a former student.

Puerile, yes, but amusing, no? Puns and innuendos welcome.

Right To Reply

Yes, it's probably not 'cool' to ridicule the cerebrally-challenged, but seeing as some Manc twat (I say that, but he only actually admits to being a Manchester United fan, so he could be from Cornwall for all we know) has decided to throw sweeping generalisations around, I claim the right to reply in equal manner.

Attention smokers: I hope you burn in hell

Why, fuck you very much, Paul, nice to meet you too. Interesting use of spiteful hatred in your opening gambit, duly noted.

I hate smokers. Not like I hate paedophiles or Liverpool fans, but right up there with war criminals and boat shoes.

See, we have a problem already. Once we encounter some lads' mag moron equating paedophiles with Liverpool fans, and smokers with war criminals, there is obviously going to be a poor argument to follow. We'll go with it though. After all, he is entirely entitled to his opinion as long as it is based in fact.

Unfortunately, he further loses touch with reality by relying on his confirmation bias to regurgitate one-sided equations pushed by vested interests, not that he would have noticed that salient point (he could have investigated further, but then why should he? He hates smokers so anything that backs up his bigotry isn't worth casual checking).

That's about 5.5 per cent of the entire NHS budget. I'm not sure how many children with leukaemia that would treat, but I'm guessing you'd still have change left over to help a few adults who had acquired a disease accidentally rather than deliberately and systematically.

Ah, thinking of the chiiildren, I see.

5.5% of the budget you say, Paul? Wow! Quite shocking. Except that if you had engaged brain before employing keyboard you could have avoided some embarrassment.

According to national statistics, the population at the last census was just shy of 61 million, 11.7 million of whom were kids. Smoker prevalence is 21% of adults which equates to 17% of the population as a whole.

Let's revisit your idiot argument about kids with leukaemia again, shall we? Smokers pay, according to official statistics (and I'm being conservative here), more than twice that £5bn cost in tobacco duty alone. This doesn't take into account national insurance contributions or savings in pension payouts. On the basis of such truths instead of prejudicial vagaries, 17% of NHS users costing only 5.5% of the NHS budget (using the inflated BHF figure and ignoring any contribution from smokers whatsoever) looks like a bona fide bargain once the incontrovertible facts are looked at, doncha think Paul? In fact, it's a massive profit.

Just think of how many kids with leukaemia have benefitted from smoker contributions, eh? I know it doesn't fit with your knuckle-dragging bullshit stats, but then, that's why you're a bread and circuses chimp and I'm not.

What is quite funny about your nonsense piece, Paul, is that the evidence was there for you but you just didn't have the mental capacity to see it. Remember writing this?

The survey reports that in the UK, 21 per cent of adults smoke.

A maths lesson for you. 21 minus 5.5 equals? Come on Paul, it's not difficult. I know 21 presents a problem when relying on fingers and toes, but use some initiative, sunshine.

OK, I have replied with a sweeping generalisation, as you did, you may even have spotted it if you weren't picking fleas out of your simian navel at the time, now for the spiteful hatred by return.

Just my opinion, and all that, but you sir, are a rancid, shallow fucktard who deserves to be fisted up the ringpiece with a sandpaper and broken glass-encrusted glove, for using sick kids to justify your selfish and puerile dislikes. Just stick to talking about overpaid men in shorts in future, eh?

Labour Lied? You Don't Say

Tell us something we don't know.

Ms Harman was criticised for claiming men earn 23 per cent more than women while the Office for National Statistics puts the figure at less than 13 per cent.

A source said Ms Harman's department was warned about using the figure beforehand but went ahead anyway.

Sir Michael Scholar, head of the UK Statistics Authority, has now written to Ms Harman warning she had been potentially misleading and could "undermine public trust in official statistics".

I hate to be the one to tell you, Sir Michael, but that trust sailed away on the HMS Disgust a few years ago.

"It is the Statistics Authority's view that the use of the 23 per cent on its own, without qualification, risks giving a misleading quantification of the gender pay gap."

Sir Michael, they didn't 'risk' giving a misleading figure, they 'intended' it. It's what Labour do.

They lie.

Rounding Up Potential Free Thinkers

The government has found a way of sorting out the sticky problem of children who are mercifully free from the clutches of Labour's brainwashing programme school system.

Home educating families in England will have to register annually and demonstrate they are providing a suitable education, a report says.

A review of home education recommends children be sent back to school if parents do not meet certain standards.

Perhaps home educators aren't holding enough diversity/equality lessons, or are failing to teach their kids how to spot a terrorist on every street corner.

Remember that this move is in addition to ContactPoint, the database the government holds on every child in the UK from birth. The reasoning for ContactPoint, according to the DCSF, is ...

ContactPoint is a quick way for practitioners to find out who else is working with the same child or young person, making it easier to deliver coordinated support.

The programme's goal is to improve the health, well-being and safety of all children.

So, comprehensive details of every kid in the land are required to be logged by government to ensure their safety. Yet they are still not safe it would seem, seeing as the same scare tactic is being used to grease the wheels of this idea too, as usual with the help from the state-sponsored 'charity' sector.

Vijay Patel, policy adviser for the NSPCC children's charity, also sees the need for a review. "Some people use home education to hide. Look at the Victoria Climbié case. No one asked where she was at school."

How shocking! It doesn't matter that Victoria Climbié wasn't home educated, which led to a low-key apology from the NSPCC earlier this month, as effective press placement had already created the scare and spread it widely on the back of an untruth. Job done.

Still, maybe it won't be so bad as long as there isn't an overbearing authority heavily dictating how parents should teach their kids.

Mr Badman said he did not wish to be overly prescriptive regarding what constituted a suitable education, and has asked the government to review a statutory definition.

One can almost hear the orgasmic cries from the civil service as huge rolls of red tape are ordered, and sturdy pens prepared for marathon box-ticking sessions.