I'd have produced a slick video - somewhere down-with-the-proles like 'Tea Boy Nick'** did - to deliver this touchy feely message but, unlike you, taxpayer funding can't provide me with top quality filming equipment so it'll have to be the written word, I'm afraid.
Shame, as I was going to strike a jaunty pose, get the make-up girl to accentuate my dimples, and put on my best genial smile. Never mind, here goes anyway.
Firstly, I'd like to thank all of the people in Westminster who have offered suggestions as to how I should live my life in the past few years. It's been a really exciting way of doing things.And ... that's a wrap, guys (is what I would have said if it was filmed, natch).
I've seen over 4,000 laws enacted, around 20,000 articles of pointy-fingered behavioural hectoring from hundreds of fake charities and quangoes, all promoted by about 650 besuited chimps who make life difficult for everyone.
And some of the ideas are ideas I am looking at very very actively, straightaway.
Of course, there are other suggestions which aren't going to be taken up by me like, I dunno, paying duties on tobacco in this country, or voting for one of the three main parties, but at least the debate is now really alive and that's the most significant thing.
Actually, there are a few other ideas that I've decided to discard. For example, your suggestion of segregating all my rubbish and trotting down to the recycling point once a week isn't really working for me, so since yesterday I've decided not to. Instead I've bought a garden incinerator to burn anything that I can't pack down into the bin. I can't burn glass bottles, of course, but I'll just buy thicker black bags to disguise them.
I like your idea about taxes too, but again, since yesterday, I don't feel like paying too much of that. So a tax specialist is popping by my company next week to work out ways I can prevent you from getting it. I'll probably pay him as much as I'll save, but the tax consultant will respect me for giving it to him, whereas ... well, you can fill in the rest, can't you?
You tell me quite regularly that I shouldn't buy counterfeit goods, and I've listened intently to the points you raised. However, that oriental guy around my way sells newer DVDs than the ones in the shops for £2 a pop and doesn't charge VAT, so although I've never bought from him before, I will try him out.
I've also listened to your ideas about litter, and have always wandered around looking for a bin to discard that food wrapper or empty sweet bag. However, it's all rather inconvenient and, considering that I'm now officially a filthy anti-social non-person, I've worked out that I may as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb. Especially since I pay quite a lot of money for the street cleaners anyway.
But please don't let this put you off. I hope you continue with your many suggestions; with your criticisms. It makes a huge difference to hear directly from you what your ideas are. I'm looking at them, I will keep responding at frequent intervals on some of the suggestions that have been made.
So let the debate continue! I hope you have felt it is as helpful as I have, to be able to have this new way of driving a wedge between the both of us, and I thank you very much for the dull-witted gobshite you've already burbled out of your ivory tower.
** © Shark boy