Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Thanks For Your Suggestions, HMG

Hi Government

I'd have produced a slick video - somewhere down-with-the-proles like 'Tea Boy Nick'** did - to deliver this touchy feely message but, unlike you, taxpayer funding can't provide me with top quality filming equipment so it'll have to be the written word, I'm afraid.

Shame, as I was going to strike a jaunty pose, get the make-up girl to accentuate my dimples, and put on my best genial smile. Never mind, here goes anyway.

Firstly, I'd like to thank all of the people in Westminster who have offered suggestions as to how I should live my life in the past few years. It's been a really exciting way of doing things.

I've seen over 4,000 laws enacted, around 20,000 articles of pointy-fingered behavioural hectoring from hundreds of fake charities and quangoes, all promoted by about 650 besuited chimps who make life difficult for everyone.

And some of the ideas are ideas I am looking at very very actively, straightaway.

Of course, there are other suggestions which aren't going to be taken up by me like, I dunno, paying duties on tobacco in this country, or voting for one of the three main parties, but at least the debate is now really alive and that's the most significant thing.

Actually, there are a few other ideas that I've decided to discard. For example, your suggestion of segregating all my rubbish and trotting down to the recycling point once a week isn't really working for me, so since yesterday I've decided not to. Instead I've bought a garden incinerator to burn anything that I can't pack down into the bin. I can't burn glass bottles, of course, but I'll just buy thicker black bags to disguise them.

I like your idea about taxes too, but again, since yesterday, I don't feel like paying too much of that. So a tax specialist is popping by my company next week to work out ways I can prevent you from getting it. I'll probably pay him as much as I'll save, but the tax consultant will respect me for giving it to him, whereas ... well, you can fill in the rest, can't you?

You tell me quite regularly that I shouldn't buy counterfeit goods, and I've listened intently to the points you raised. However, that oriental guy around my way sells newer DVDs than the ones in the shops for £2 a pop and doesn't charge VAT, so although I've never bought from him before, I will try him out.

I've also listened to your ideas about litter, and have always wandered around looking for a bin to discard that food wrapper or empty sweet bag. However, it's all rather inconvenient and, considering that I'm now officially a filthy anti-social non-person, I've worked out that I may as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb. Especially since I pay quite a lot of money for the street cleaners anyway.

But please don't let this put you off. I hope you continue with your many suggestions; with your criticisms. It makes a huge difference to hear directly from you what your ideas are. I'm looking at them, I will keep responding at frequent intervals on some of the suggestions that have been made.

So let the debate continue! I hope you have felt it is as helpful as I have, to be able to have this new way of driving a wedge between the both of us, and I thank you very much for the dull-witted gobshite you've already burbled out of your ivory tower.
And ... that's a wrap, guys (is what I would have said if it was filmed, natch).

** © Shark boy


Witterings from Witney said...

Nice one DP - although never noticed your dimples.........

C U tomorrow night I hope!

Geo Sardine said...

Greetings Dick,
Militant Medical Nurse linked to a utility with potential to dramatise text. http://militantmedicalnurse.blogspot.com/2010/07/patient-faking-seizure-in-er.html
Hope that helps,

Geo Sardine said...

Greetings Dick,
Militant Medical Nurse linked to a utility with potential to dramatise text. http://militantmedicalnurse.blogspot.com/2010/07/patient-faking-seizure-in-er.html

Frank Davis said...

Glad you've bought an incinerator. My one's working a treat. Everything that can burn goes into it. Including cigarette butts, of course. Which ensures that it produces a huge cloud of secondhand tobacco smoke. And lots of much-needed CO2.

Anonymous said...

Still got an open fire here, all the rubbish is burned on it, a "new" housing estate to the rear, I'm waiting for someone coming round to complain.

Leg-iron said...

Frank - cigarette butts go in the compost. Makes it reek a treat and since cigarettes are entirely made of plant material, they'll compost very nicely. I won't mention it to non-smokers who fancy a bit of my excess fruit and veg. Not yet anyway.

No compost this year. Unfortunately the bumble bees are living in the compost bin this year. They don't seem too bothered about the tobacco residue in there. They're probably re-rolling the dog-ends.

This year, all combustible waste will run the chimenea instead. I might need to get another one.

Leg-iron said...

I'm also working on minimising my tax bill. Every penny the government doesn't get is one more penny they can't spend on persecuting smokers.

Anonymous said...

Glad to see it's catching on. We can't change the system, we need to break it. Minimise money in, maximise money out.

Brew your own
grow your own
black or grey market smokes
barter or exchange skills
minimise utility use
minimise fuel purchases
claim every single benefit you are entitled to

The teats on this cash cow are dry mr government man and will remain so until you get the message.

Anonymous said...

I forgot to add,

the saving realised from the above means I don't work overtime anymore. More free time and less tax paid. Win / win in my book.

Anonymous said...

Class piece,Richard,
Allthough I am more of a street
person who has little or no remit
with blogdom, I get a bit of a glow
with some of your sketches.
There are a few other bloggers who
also touch a nerve,but I think you
will admit,the majority come over as being the (collective noun ?)
for natterjack toadies.
As for hitting Dave and Nick in their purses I am a Grand Knight
in the Lodge of Fiscal Avoidance
(since July 2007)

Dont work
No tax
No national Inurance
No car tax
No mortgage
No rent
No Rates
Buy baccy in Belgium
Only drink in Spain
Stopped giving to charities 1/07/07
In short my Dear Dave and Nick

If you want to play pitty patty with
screwballs like ASH
Look elsewhere for the bleeding cash

The Ruff End

Anonymous said...

Set reply from Doh
11.15 14/07/2010

Thank you for your email of 30 June about smokefree legislation. I have been asked to reply.

The smokefree provisions in the Health Act 2006 were carried on free votes across all parties by large majorities in both Houses of Parliament. This Parliamentary support for smokefree legislation reflected the very widespread public support.

The Government currently has no plans to review the legislation, which is fulfilling its primary aim to protect workers and the general public from exposure to the harmful effects of secondhand smoke.

Medical and scientific evidence shows that exposure to secondhand smoke increases the risk of serious medical conditions such as lung cancer, heart disease, asthma attacks, childhood respiratory disease, sudden infant death syndrome and reduced lung function.

Smoking is the largest single cause of preventable illness and premature death in the UK. It kills over 100,000 people every year and a recent academic study suggests that the cost to the British taxpayer is more than £5billion a year.

Yours sincerely,

Bilal Ghafoor
Customer Service Centre
Department of Health


Dick Puddlecote said...

"a recent academic study suggests that the cost to the British taxpayer is more than £5billion a year"

Never heard that figure before, Anon. Did they give you a link for the study in question?

I note they just say it costs 'the taxpayer' not the NHS. Neatly ignoring income of £8.779bn to the exchequor by way of tobacco duties, then.

BrianB said...

"income of £8.779bn to the exchequor (sic) by way of tobacco duties"

...which is 8% higher than in the year prior to the smoking ban (2006/07).

Don't forget the VAT take, too. This must be another £2bn or so from tobacco products.

All in all a huge success, then, HMG!

Trebles all round!

Anonymous said...

Dick @11.52am

Links to statistics.????

Last time I asked for details from
this Department I got a " go away
and stop mithering" reply.

Best one from a politician was one from my local MP,one ot the reasons
for voting for the ban,his wife
who only went in a pub once a month
did;nt like the smell of smoke.
She does'nt bother at all now
because their pub is dead.
My local has banned this MP since
he told the Landlord he could/nt
give a hoot if all the pubs shut down.

When are we going to start giving
these MPs something to focus their minds on

Gloves off

Sam Duncan said...

“I'll probably pay him as much as I'll save, but the tax consultant will respect me for giving it to him, whereas ...”

I like that one a lot. :)