Oliver, Oliver, Never Before Has A Chef Been A Bore

Oh the joy.

It's not going well for righteous hypocrite Jamie Oliver over in Yankland. Even fellow lefty luvvie Brits think he's a bit of a cock.

Jamie Oliver’s bid to slim down America has suffered another blow as Ricky Gervais declared he stood “no chance”.

“It failed in England. He tried to get them to stop and no, they like fat,” the comedian said.

“If you go to a fat person, it’s not a surprise, they know what’s making them fat – it’s all the pies. They know that. If you go: ‘Ooh those pies are fattening’, they’re not going to go: ‘Really? I thought it was the jogging that made you fat?’

“It’s their choice. Fat people don’t get fat behind their own back. No one’s sneaking into their apartment when they’re out and injecting their lettuce with a million calories. They know why they’re fat and they like it.”

Meanwhile, a survey of kids in a school where the mockney twat had been filming suggests that they, like those in the UK, are rejecting his recipes.

A survey conducted at the West Virginia school featured in “Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution” won’t surprise anyone who’s seen the first two episodes: Kids liked their standard institutional food better than Oliver’s made-from-scratch menu items.

And when denied the food they were used to, many stopped buying the school lunch.

The survey at Central City Elementary in Huntington also found the children drank less milk after Oliver removed the sugary chocolate and strawberry bottles.

Hey, Jamie. Never mind fella, just like J R Hartley found, there's still a few more countries to try.

I hear there are a few porky kids in Outer Mongolia. Why not fuck off over there and interfere ... for about a decade?

Once Bitten, Twice Bitten

Tom Harris has gleefully flagged up Lib Dem councillor, and PPC for Liverpool Wavertree, Colin Eldridge, falling publicly and hilariously on City Talk Radio for an April Fool story in the Liverpool Post.

I don’t know what’s the best bit – his gullibility, his excruciating sign-off (yeah, right – you were in on the joke all along, were you, Colin?) or the fact that he thinks that spending £142,010 on road signs written in Mandarin Chinese “has got to be worthwhile”.

I'd pinch the three minute sound file if I could, but you'll have to pop over to Tom's place for that. Do so though because, believe me, it's worth it.

Why should that concern we lifestyle liberty lovers, you ask?

Well, not only is Colin gullible enough to believe this story, he has also been hoodwinked by anti-tobacco into thinking that giving films which contain smoking scenes an 18 certificate will stop kids taking it up.

He spoke about exactly that subject at the 'Politics and Prohibition' fringe meeting in Bournemouth during the Lib Dem conference in September. I was there to hear his nonsense.

Colin Eldridge from Liverpool was the target of most of the post-debate questions. Not surprising considering he is a proponent of the move to give films an 18 certificate if they contain smoking scenes. He put up a spirited defence, with such vigour that, large guy that he is, he must have partaken of a tray full of Red Bull before sitting down, though this attender (not attendee, it's just wrong) wondered if his message would have been tailored differently to a less libertarian audience. His motive was, of course, to protect the chiiildren. What's more, the kids asked for it and were in no way whatsoever guided to that point of view. Not at all.

He's a nice guy, is Colin, but it's clear that he is far too easily led to be an MP.

Actually, scratch that, being easily led by quangoes and state-paid fake charities is a pre-condition for the job, isn't it?

Staines Passive

It's not my usual style, but I simply have to do a bit of a Julia because, as bizarre consequences of the smoking ban go, this is a doozy.

A woman has claimed she was not allowed on a bus in Staines after witnessing and challenging a driver who was smoking in his vehicle.

Lesley Dove, 45, was with her husband Paul, and children Jonathan, 16, Aurora, 14, and Lucy, eight, on Sunday (28) at around 5.30pm when she tried to board the 290 bus at Staines bus station to get back to her Hampton home after visiting the town.

She claims as the bus was parked, she saw the driver inside the vehicle finishing off his cigarette, while a passenger was sitting inside.

She said: "Without being aggressive I told him he wasn't supposed to be smoking on the bus, as it was against the law of the smoking ban."

I know you may be thinking that she is just an interfering busybody, but you'd be entirely wrong. There was a bona fide reason for her intervention.

Mrs Dove said she is anti-smoking because her mother smoked around her when she was young.

She claims she gets coughing fits, and sometimes chest infections when around smokers, and feels that not enough people uphold, or are educated about the smoking ban.

Fair enough.

If it affects her that badly, best she get the next bus then.

"When we went to get on the bus, he said we were not allowed on, so we had to wait for half an hour in the cold for another."

Err, why would you want to get on a bus when you're going to suffer so badly? Surely a little bit of cold is preferable to the torture of being on a bus, where someone has smoked, if it could lead to a load of hacking and potential chest infections?

Come on, woman, show some consistency. How did you get by in life before Westminster fools passed a charter for your ilk to lecture and pontificate to others? Must have been hell.

Lastly, why were you complaining about one guy smoking a cigarette on a bus, ventilated generously every time the large doors regularly open and close, when you were standing in a fucking bus station surrounded by gallons of carcinogenic engine emissions.

"People starting butting in and having a go at me, and I started to get quite frightened, and my youngest daughter started to cry. It was very upsetting, because all I did was try and make sure he upheld the law."

Eh? The ban is universally popular. Why on Earth would they be getting irate at you? That is so damn unlucky. You've met the only people in the country who think differently ... acording to the government.

Or could there be something more to this story?

A spokesman for bus company Transdev said: "We are aware of an alleged incident concerning a driver smoking on a route 290 bus at Staines Bus Station, on 28 March 2010. Smoking on any London United vehicle is strictly prohibited. The matter will be investigated fully."

Of course, prior to July 1st 2007, the situation wouldn't have occurred in the first place. Lesley would have boarded without turning a hair, no-one would have died, no-one would have cried, no-one would have been stressed or scared, no-one would be under investigation, no-one would have waited in the cold, no-one would have been arguing at the bus stop amongst themselves. Just like thousands of other bus journeys Lesley has taken in her 45 years on the planet.

Another example, as I've alluded to before, of the emnity, division and spite, sometimes resulting in violence, which has been created out of thin air by this government, purely for ideological reasons.

I think I shall repeat Labour's mantra again, inspired by Francis of Assisi.

Where there is harmony, may we bring discord. Where there is truth, may we bring error. Where there is faith, may we bring doubt. And where there is hope, may we bring despair.

UPDATE: It looks like Lesley Dove is a bit of a committed righteous health nut.

Lesley Dove
Member of The London Vegan Meetup Group

Vegan from Hampton, wants to meet veggies and vegans, especially locally, and other veggie and vegan families too.

She hates Jamie Oliver - nothing wrong with that, but - for believing that animals are food!

Umm, actually no, if Jamie Oliver supported animal rights, he would not be encouraging people to eat animals whether they were British or foreign, kind of obvious isn't it? True supporters of animal rights believe that animals are not food.

And she was active in the campaign against MMR on natural remedies grounds, even pitching up on the BBC web-site 9 years ago. Yep, it's definitely her.

If she wasn't hectoring, she wouldn't feel alive. No wonder the locals are probably sick of her.

Just a mischievous thought, but if she ate proper food, perhaps she'd be a bit more resilient to a few wisps of smoke, no?

UPDATE 2: Thanks to an anon in the comments. Lesley is a raving anti-smoking nutjob with a tendency to involve the press.

I am getting in the local press about it this week or next week though! They took my photo with my kids outside the centre on Tuesday for the paper, and I am fighting this because it should be my right as a local resident for my local community centre to be accessible to me.

Go read the lot, you'll be amazed. Even her vegan friends think she is loopy.

What A Scorcher!

It's not often I use that thar tag below but, as you can see, March was quite interesting.


A haughty righteous forum once accused me of writing 'like a tabloid', and I probably do, but it would appear that such vernacular is appreciated because last month saw over 20,000 visits.

There's a bit of a blip in February. Firstly, because it was a short month of course, but also due to the fact that I was so immersed in tinkering with the new blog design that I failed to notice the stats code had been deleted for two days.

But the trend is still upwards, so a huge thanks to all of you who return here day after day to read this, evidently worthless, tabloid guff.

I was thinking of making improvements by saying 'Cor!' a lot, doing bingo, and having a bird with her tits out commenting on the day's events, whaddya reckon?

Haute Couture

Would you buy a dressing gown from this man?

Very fetching indeed (any spares going?), but Mrs P was wondering why he kept his watch on.

Courtesy of HIGNFY who can be a bastard sometimes, Gawd bless 'em.

See the guy on top form at TICAP by clicking here, continued here.

Another Frighteningly Plausible April Fool

Smoking to be banned in pet owners' homes

As part of the review of legislation concerning dogs, a new proposal has been released with the intention of banning smoking in pet owners’ homes. A spokesperson for DEFRA is quoted as saying “Under the Animal Welfare Act 2006, if a pet owner knowingly exposes a pet to a risk of disease, they are committing an offence. Smoking in the presence of a pet will inevitably expose the animal to known irritants and carcinogens, which are likely to cause both disease and suffering to the animal.”

Local authority and RSPCA officers have already been instructed to investigate possible instances of smoking in pet owners’ homes. If smoking is proven to have taken place, the pet owner will be given two options: surrender of the animal into local authority care, or confiscation of all smoking materials.

As with the other 'joke' story I mentioned earlier, this isn't a new area for the righteous.

It first raised its pug-nosed head in 2002 and, a couple of weeks ago, at least one state-funded smokefree quango was still dribbling on about it.

Andrea Crossfield**, director of Smokefree North West, said: “Our pets are part of the family and they have as much right to be protected from second-hand smoke as our children and loved ones.

“Our evidence suggests that many smokers aren’t aware of the damage that smoking around pets can have.

“If animals could talk, they would probably be asking their owners to go outside to have a cigarette.”

Besides, a ban on smoking in private homes is already on the cards, and is almost certain to swiftly follow when if it is rendered illegal in cars. All this April Fool article does is point out another item of legislation that government could use to effect entry to your home if they choose to dictate your choices within.

It's not really funny if it could (or even will) happen, is it?

** You may remember nasal whiner Andrea Crossfield from Radio 5's coverage of the RCP report on smoking in cars.

Who Are The Fools?

As part of a move to cut binge-drinking the government is proposing that pub customers carry a card licensing them to drink outside their own homes.

The Publican has seen draft documents apparently drawn up by pubs minister John Healey in which he outlined proposals to ensure anyone over the age of 18 entering a pub carries the credit card-sized ‘drinking licence’.

Very droll.

Yes, of course it was an April Fool, and it was amusing watching the commenters falling for it. However, as Simon Clark mentioned this morning, we have already seen laws passed which would have been deemed laughable just a decade ago.

During a heated pub discussion three years back, I suggested to a friend that, in time, we could require a swipe card or stamp book to be presented at pubs, clubs and off licences when buying alcohol. He wasn't convinced. But if the current attitude of legislators continues in the same puritannical vein, such a scheme is perfectly plausible for the future - the near future, even.

So who are the fools here? The ones who fell for the Publican piece? Or those who refuse to stand up to the bully state, believing that power drunk MPs can be trusted to know when to stop?

Binge-drinking is a relatively minor problem, but binge-bansturbation by way of collective punishment is evil, hugely addictive to members of parliament, and extremely dangerous to the public.