Eurovision Live Blog 2012

Yes, you read that correctly.

The Puddlecote jury will be compiling our scores and attempting to get within a light year of the actual result, although I can't see past Sweden's Euro-wide hit or the Russian grannies as winners on the night. That won't affect our voting though, it never does, we're proud to have never picked a top three finisher in the past decade (last attempt here).

Here's how it goes here, or will do from 8pm tonight. I'll be giving my wine-enhanced thoughts on the songs, please feel free to chip in. There will be mention of silly costumes, odd performers, the occasional reference to female leg quotient and - at some point - probably a poetic comment asking what the hell this has to do with the smoking ban (you know who you are).

Just a tip. The voting is the tedious bit so order your takeaway delivery for around 9:40ish. Oh, and those from the US and farther afield without TV access, you can see all the Grand Final songs at this link if you really fancy bashing your head against a brick wall of European cheese.

First up will be the Hump. Oh Lord!

United Kingdom: Nope. Still can't see a song with no catchy chorus doing well. Did they lose it in his ego?

Hungary: Who knew Aha had produced kids with George Michael? Bonus points for the electric guitar, taken off again cos it was cranked up to 1!

Albania: Keeping her knitting on her head must have seemed a great idea till the snake nested in it. Powerful lungs. The little Ps are scared, Mrs P claims her ears are bleeding.

Lithuania: Would have been so much better if he'd found himself facing the wrong way once the blindfold was taken off. Heard the song before at a shady club in Ranst ... but without the absurd body-popping.

Bosnia/Herzegovina: More serious, but God so dreary. Is this the austerity Eurovision? The Europe-wide recession is deeper than we thought. Bring on the {gulp} grannies.

Russia: Singing and cooking pizza? Is there nothing grannies can't do? The kids are dancing! It's a winner, isn't it? *Sob*

Iceland: Iceland doesn't disappoint with their usual blonde offering. Yet more funereal stuff though. Come on, Eurovision, when do we get the coneheads and batty colours?

Cyprus: Yess! Here we go. Plastic pop and five more pairs of legs than the rest so far combined. Ooh, and a wind machine! Top marks from Dick, Mrs P shakes her head in mock disdain (well, maybe not 'mock').

France: Gymnasts? The buggers are rubbing it in that we're lumped with the Olympics. Sounds like Cher's grand-daughter. And a crunching Mark Wadsworth gear change. Instantly forgettable.

Italy: Did they ... did they ... clone Amy Winehouse? Shame the song was thrown together like a municipal landfill. The rest of the Puddlecotes voted that best so far, see what I have to live with?

Estonia: The boy P: "I don't understand how some of these acts got through". 'Nuff said.

Norway: Equally bereft of merit, but Mrs P gave it a sneakily high score. I suspect his Peter Andre-like looks may have brought back memories of a young Mr P (Yes, you will buy that).

Azerbaijan: Pitching for a Disney Princess role one day, it seems. Another taking itself too seriously though. Stoppit! This is Eurovision, for crying out loud.

Romania: "I love her dress", say the girls ... so do I. Oh yes. Upbeat too, finally! Silly walks too, thumbs up all round in Puddlecoteville.

Denmark: Actually sounds like something you might hear on Virgin FM, what's it doing here? Very good stuff, hence why you can still get 50/1 on it for Eurovision's alternate reality.

Greece: I know the country's broke, but they could have stretched to a skirt for these girls, couldn't they? Catchy with a bit of eastern background melody to suck in the former soviets. Could be a player.

Sweden: Evanesse goes clubbing. Not that impressed here, and Kate Bush she certainly ain't Graham. But then we're not noted as the best judges.

Turkey: A song whose appeal no-one west of the Aegean Sea will ever be able to understand. Classic lost in translation. Classic Eurovision. If it wins it's another from left field a la 1978.

Spain: A power ballad, eh? You really surprise us every year, don't you, Spain? Look, if you don't want to win year on year just stop entering. Sencillo.

PS: Oops, outvoted big time there in Puddlecote Towers.

Germany: Badly drawn Badly Drawn Boy. Mrs P just melted - so shallow. Decent song though, can we claim a success if it wins for the English songwriter?

Malta: If they're Maltese, I'm a Dutchman (Oh I wish). What the fuck is the DJ for, and was the singer's hair sculpted from plasticine? Marks lost for synchronised foot shuffling from the guitarists, hardly rock 'n' roll, is it?

Macedonia: Clever trick of hiring a singer who looks like someone in just about everyone's office. Cute violinist and real energy, I like it. I'm out of kilter again, it seems, downvoted ruthlessly by my yawning house-sharers.

Ireland: Isn't it very scary that two extremely suspect characters can be building a Europe-wide presence? Nice one, X Factor. I can't hear the song over the uncanny resemblance these guys have with Gerry Anderson puppets. It's like talent afternoon at Salford Primary school, and that was written before the George Sampson rip-off climax. Please God, what did Ireland do to believe that's acceptable as their global image?

Serbia: Heading to a finish as we began. I can't see too many downloads or repeat fees for this lot, perhaps this is the end of disco chill out slowie ... just without the bum-clutching.

Ukraine: After recent news, I was expecting their entry to feature a witch doctor and snakeskin drums, but this ain't bad. Strong voice with echoes of Black Box but better melody. Clubbing anthem stuff former Soviet-stylee.

Moldova: The boy pissed himself at the entrance dancing, and leg quotient suffered interference from gold something or other. Pure Eurovision, though, could have appeared any year from 1960 onwards. The singer looks as chipper as my next door neighbour on a Sunday morning, the bastard.

And that's it. The girl is just totting up the scores. For me, it's 1) Denmark, 2) Cyprus, 3) Romania, 4) Greece.

Puddlecote jury says {drum roll} 1) Romania, 2) Germany, (?!?) 3) Russia, 4) Denmark. At, currently, 25/1, 28/1, 4/1 and 33/1 respectively. More fail is surely certain.