Wednesday, 9 September 2009

New Fake Charity Franchise Available

If you want to get onto the fake charity bandwagon, here's an opportunity.

More than half of all Britons have been injured by biscuits ranging from scalding from hot tea or coffee while dunking or breaking a tooth eating during a morning tea break, a survey has revealed.

Simply register with the Charities Commission, apply to the DoH for a slice of the health obsessed grant cascade, and off you go. The buzzwords and sound bites are all laid out for you.

- 25 million adults injured by biscuits
- 500 people hospitalised (remember to think up a resultant cost for that - any old figure will do, just make it big and scary)
- The evidence is overwhelming. Eating biscuits is a proven danger to the nation's dental health
- The effects of passive dunking can scald those around you, including fragile and soft-skinned chiiildren (mustn't forget them - very important)
- Figures show that biscuit-related injuries have dramatically increased (before this study, we didn't know of any)

You'll need a snappy acronym for your charity, how about 'Committee for Reinforcement of Uniform Biscuit Safety' (CRUMBS)? Next, get more funding from those in competition, the cake industry for example, and formulate your targets.

These could include:

- Forcing evil biscuit industry barons to display health warnings
- Pushing for legislation to ensure Rich Teas are pre-softened to avoid pointy snap hazards
- a minimum unit price to be charged on Hobnobs
- Cafés to be made biscuitfree for the safety of all customers. If you really want that chocolate digestive, it's not too much of an effort to step outside
- The introduction of two new crimes. 'Possession of a Custard Cream' and 'Assault with a deadly Bourbon'

Then just issue a press release to the BBC and you'll be on the lunchtime news in no time.

Job for life.


Chris F J Cyrnik said...

Could this really work for real Dick?

Where do I get my starter pack, and will it come under plain cover just begging me to go ahead.

Finally, will I make oodles of wedge out of it!

Dick Puddlecote said...

Oodles of wedge guaranteed, Chris - numerous previous successes detailed here. You've got to be 'in it to wangle it' though, as they (sort of) say.

Curmudgeon said...

And biscuits are full of evil fats too, so it's a double whammy!

Mark Wadsworth said...

"You'll need a snappy acronym for your charity, how about 'Committee for Reinforcement of Uniform Biscuit Safety' (CRUMBS)?"

You are behind the curve here. Acronyms are soooo 1980s (like ASH or FOREST*) You need two words joined together that then have an ambiguous or double meaning, with each word capitalised, like "SmokeLess" in the USA, which could mean "smoke less" (i.e. not as much) or "smokeless" (i.e. smoke free, as in smokeless zone).

Off the top of my head, I'd suggest "SafeTea" or "SafeTfirst" or maybe just "Break" (could mean 'coffee-break' or 'break a limb', 'break a cup').

* Notwithstanding that FOREST are the good guys.

Bill Sticker said...

Fats, sugars and personal injuries from biscuits? Stuff me, they've got you poor buggers coming and going haven't they?

Jeff Wood said...

Delicious, so to speak.

Risk-taking youth will now switch to Custard Creams instead of hanging off motorway bridges to demonstrate their courage.

TheBigYin said...

Those fookin' custard creams, I just knew they were the bad guys! I don't like biscuits, so ergo I'm all for bansturbating them. The chiiildren would then have to find something else to dunk in their white lightening!

Killer biscuits, the truth is out there.

timbone said...

hahaha brilliant Richard, well, can't call you Dick can I. That's another one, ban the name hobnobs, disgusting.

Bearwitch said...

O crap. I am off to the US soon and am taking some ginger nuts with me as the folks in the office there love them.

Am I in danger of being sued if anyone breaks a tooth? Perhaps I should put a post-it onto the biccies saying that I take no responsibility for anything that happens in the eating of said biccies etc.

I could be held for 'supplying biccies with intent to maim'. The sun headline could be 'bear bicciegate'

Perhaps will just take jaffa cakes instead.....(they love them too)

Still, that is the US I am talking about and, regardless of how many laws started there and crept over here, I don't believe they have gone as stupid as we have these days. Therefore I may get home without being arrested....

Mark Wadsworth said...

@ Bearwitch, you don't get it do you?

You can't say 'Ginger nuts' anymore because that might be offensive to a) redheads, b) testicles or c) the mentally subnormal.

Dick Puddlecote said...

You're right about the discarded acronyms, MW. Silly me.

SafeTea it is.

Bearwitch said...

@ Mark

As I am two of these categories (I don't have testicles) then I figured that I am allowed to use the words ginger nuts.

If the words were uttered by someone who is not in any of the categories that would be offensive and not PC.

I know my (dwindling) rights!


Anonymous said...

Well, speaking as a cake manufacturer, I'm about to form a business partnership (sorry, working group) with the BMA and Dentists' Association to tackle the problem. I am aware that Big Biscuit tries to say that the odd biscuit is harmless but I know that there is no safe level of consumption. Even crackers have a level of salt that increases risk to hardening of the arteries by 25%

Our cakes, on the other hand, are good for you, being made with fresh and dried fruit and any risk associated with the little butter and salt we use is minimised by long, slow, baking.

If you would like to join the campaign please write to your MP asking him or her to lobby for a consultation exercise in which we'll whip up support in favour of banning biscuits. You might also like to make a donation to my salary (sorry fighting fund - Big Biscuit is a rich and powerful adversary). Minimum contribution is £50.


Anonymous said...


BTS said...

Bear, are you sure that you're allowed to carry biscuits onto a flight as the potential for catastrophe is so large?

Strangely no jokes about chocolate fingers yet..

Leg-iron said...

Custard creams are just hippie vegetarian Bourbons. They aren't scary.

A triangular oatcake, however, can be as effective as a Ninja star in the right hands.

Don't forget the emissions from someone speaking with a mouthful of Digestive. Secondary crumbs can irritate your eyes, nose and throat and that sort of activity should definitely be confined to outside shelters. Ricochet-proof ones.

Addicts trying to quit can sellotape a Cream Cracker to their arm or buy biscuit-flavoured gum.

Of course, then you invent the electric biscuit and make a fortune.