Wednesday, 18 November 2009

It Never Stops


So we gave up the eggs back in the 80s, none of that Sam & Ella stuff for us. Besides, going to work on an egg is not a balanced diet. Not having none of that beef around either, I mean, are you kidding? Have you heard about CJD? Kills thousands, so it does. Chicken? Yeah right. Like I want to die of Listeria. And pig meat is right out, I don't want cancer thank you very much.

Definitely avoiding salad as well, scientists have told me it's really bad for my health.

I'm also abstaining from bread, and crisps are a definite no-no. I've banned the kids eating peanuts forever too ... just in case. You know how it is.

I'm giving up the tabs (I've told the entire road that it's an exclusion zone too, their smoking is like 'pointing a gun through the wall' at me), have stopped drinking beer in favour of a thimble of Lambrusco on a Saturday, if I'm feeling in a dangerous mood, that is. And salt-infested Corn Flakes won't get my business again, they have been lobbed in the food composter my Lib Dem council forced on me along with the contents of my salt shaker. Disgusting. For crying out loud, don't these capitalist murderers know I'm intending to live to 200+?

The kids screamed a bit at having their breakfast taken away, but they'll soon get used to it, just as they adapted to my destroying their chocolate and banning them from Diet Coke after reading of the hellish properties of what I naively believed to be a less fatty product to the one I enjoyed in my happy childhood.

Nope, it's purely muesli, cannellini beans and homemade carrot casserole for us from now on.

All washed down with a nice, non-threatening, healthy fruit juice or smoothie.

Eh? What's this?

It's time fruit juice loses its wholesome image, some experts say

Compared with soda, juice carries more calories and as much sugar. There's also evidence that high consumption increases the risk of obesity, especially among kids.

The inconvenient truth, many experts say, is that 100% fruit juice poses the same obesity-related health risks as Coke, Pepsi and other widely vilified beverages.

Oh, for crying out loud! FUCK OFF!


Unknown said...

This post cracks me up. But sadly all that you have written is true...including the FUCK OFF part. Where do these nutters come from. Researchers are the new boogymen.

Leg-iron said...

Listeria in chicken? Do me a favour, guvnor, that one comes from soft cheeses made from unpasteurised milk (like Camembert and Brie, which I eat all the time. It's French Roulette). Oh, it's all over the countryside too. Grows on grass.

Chicken Roulette is loaded with mostly Salmonella (frozen ones) or mostly Campylobacter (fresh ones) and Egg Roulette is fantastic - almost every chicken produces a Salmonella-laden egg once in a while but you never know which chicken has laid the loaded one on any day.

Unfortunately, cooking kills all these bugs stone dead. Even a soft-boiled yolk or a whipped meringue has been pasteurised by the time you eat it. Sorry, the danger is negligible unless you lick raw chicken and swallow eggs whole.

This is something that I wasn't able to hint at before the patent was done. You know that old wives' tale 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away'? Granny was right.

The juice is no use. Apples and berries, whole ones, flush out a lot of pathogens even without the Stuff I add to it. The fibre sticks to them. Never mind five a day. One, most days, will do it and boost it if you ever get the squits.

(Speaking of which, I just noticed the WV is 'splosk' which seems apt)

I work in gut microbiology. Have done since 1982. I ignore all the dietary advice, eat what I like and I'm still alive. A whole bottle of whisky in an evening won't kill you if you build up to it and four to five bottles a week won't either. Too much red wine and you'll shit black lumpy water - you have been warned by one who knows!

Smoking hasn't killed me. Ignoring all fruit and vegetables for over a week didn't kill me (but that one does loosen you up somewhat).

It's all made up. All of it. There isn't a word of truth in any of these government guidelines.

Eat what you want. If it makes you ill, don't eat it again. It's not complex.

There is no other species on the planet that would even consider ordering their species to eat this, and not that. We are unique.

And too many people are 'special'.

Anonymous said...

Actually they're right.

It fucks me off.

But fruit juice is actually bad.

My anti nanny-state credentials are second to none: I think AGW is an enviro-nazi scam by the landed global elites who plan to put the lights out. I think lung cancer is an STD and isn't caused by smoking (HPV-16 is the culprit, most likely). I drink a bottle of vodka most nights. My best friend is a former crystal meth cook (really). I told Margaret Thatcher that she was a pinko. I drive a 4.5 litre petrol car. I put SALT on food! I think I have taken every illegal drug. These are just the things that I think are ok to say online.

But fruit juice is actually bad.

Maybe not for you. Nor am I suggesting that there should be any state controls on it whatever. But it did terrible things to me. I had the full sweep of Diabetes symptoms – and blood glucose readings – which went away when I stopped drinking the shit. Your mileage may vary.

Kinda like a stopped clock being right, some of the stuff the state propaganda machine spews out is true.

banned said...

Dick, you forgot to remind us about drowning of cancer after drinking milk.

JuliaM said...

"Sorry, the danger is negligible unless you lick raw chicken and swallow eggs whole."

*dismayed* Oh, damn! There goes breakfast... ;)

Mark Wadsworth said...

Bloody hell, you put some proper bloggy research into that!! Do all those links work?

I decided to ignore all this about ten years ago and am still alive.

Uncle Marvo said...

I have been trying to rid the planet of myself using fags, booze, red bull/meat/wine, curry, a sedentary lifestyle and complete disregard for most laws including health and safety ones.

I don't think it is the easiest way to go.

Anonymous said...

I saw a press report a few months ago that cracked me up. Apparently, some people have so believed all the crap that's been published that they've developed an eating disorder. In the most extreme cases the sufferers will eat only food of a particular colour!!


Neal Asher said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Neal Asher said...

But drinking is good for you again according to a a recent post over on Devil's Kitchen (cuts down on clogged arteries and heart disease).

The only thing cutting down my drinking is the occurrence of the two-day hangover.

Christopher Snowdon said...

Good find, Sir. Duly nicked...

Frank Davis said...

Great post.

I'm with Leg-Iron:

It's all made up. All of it. There isn't a word of truth in any of these government guidelines.

Eat what you want. If it makes you ill, don't eat it again. It's not complex.

I'll eat anything, including eggs, carrots, muesli, chocolate, corn flakes, crisps. Not all at the same time, mind. I do occasionally hanker after whole-crushed-orange juice. When that happens I buy a carton and drink it all in one session. 6 months later it happens again. The same vague hankerings happen with all sorts of foods. Current hankerings are for lamb chops and runner beans.

I reckon that pregnant women - y'know, wanting bananas and blackberry jam - simply have an accentuated version of my hankerings, and everybody knows what they need to make up a deficit of something, and that's why sometimes things taste so good. They taste good when they're providing something essential that you're missing. And they don't taste so good the next day because the deficit was made good the previous day. Something like that.

Beware of Geeks bearing GIFs said...

I agree with Leg-Iron too: eat what the hell you want and deffo "FCUK OFF!"

I try and avoid processed foods (mainly cos once you stop eating them for a long time and you try one again, it never tastes as nice as home prepared food).

I still have kebabs, fish n chips etc every now and then.

Plenty of wine/whisky/beer.

Just hearing someone parrot a line of food fascism from the gummint makes me what to twat them.

Just as an aside, I remember a few years ago watching the BBC Saturday Morning cooking program and they had some chef on who went on about eating raw duck to taste it - the fucking BBC went appoplectic and every 3 seconds James Martin was telling people not do this, it was dangerous, and only chefs are specially prepared and trained to do this etc much to the amusement of the chefs present.

Cockheads, the lot of them.

Dick the Prick said...

Great post - can't you play Revel roulette too! Not quite the deer hunter but something for kiddies parties maybe - except they're banned unless CRB'd, elf & safetyd etc. Too right - just FUCK OFF.

Screaming Banshee said...

So what am I allowed to eat and drink now?

This government and health freaks are really doing my head in.

"Why fix something that isn't broken?" That is the term they use isn't it?

As Dick says "FUCK OFF"!!!!!!!

Dick Puddlecote said...

LI: "Eat what you want. If it makes you ill, don't eat it again. It's not complex."

And that should be it. Government to advise, sure, but penalties should not be imposed on legal products in a 'free' country.

Davidncl: "Nor am I suggesting that there should be any state controls on it whatever"

Exactly. As above re: LI, Agreed it may be high in sugar and calories, but that's no reason for the state to intervene.

Geeks/GIFs: "Just hearing someone parrot a line of food fascism from the gummint makes me what to twat them."

I'm close to that stage. At the moment, I tend to weep inside but still vainly attempt to explain that they have been suckered. When their eyes glaze over in that uninterested way, then I want to twat them.

Dick Puddlecote said...

Sorry, forgot to add. The very sad thing is that we just know that the government will intervene to 'tackle' fruit juices and smoothies at some point. As usual, we only have to look across the Atlantic to see our future.

On the plus side, it will put a lid on the smugness of the guys who started Innocent.

Northampton Saint said...

Best news of the day ( it was in the Daily Mail, so it must be true), drinking alcohol reduces the chance of heart problems in men by up to 30%.

I'm of to the offy for another bottle of wine

Anonymous said...

I really wish they would fuck off.

Cherry Juice and blackcurrant smoothies are the only thing that help me when I get gout. Which isn't often thankfully.

The sooner people start to ignore all this bullshit peddled by the so-called researchers/experts whose only source of income is the taxpayer, the better. So they have to issue scare stories in order to generate more research grants.

Perhaps we need to set up an anti-research forum that has a standard press release in response to every scare story/research bollocks that states quite simply:

Fuck off, we don't believe you!