Chocolate Oranges And The Hideous Arrogance Of Politicians

This article comes with a red mist-o-meter alert, as long time readers will recognise from the graphic further down.

The Mars Bar has long been considered a reliable measure of inflation, but we can now add the Chocolate Orange as a telling indicator of our country's appalling political class.

Ed Miliband has attacked David Cameron for failing to stop the sale of cut-price Chocolate Oranges - something the PM complained about in opposition.

In 2006, Mr Cameron criticised WH Smith for discounting chocolate rather than fruit despite the UK's obesity crisis.

Here we have two walking, talking broom handle politicians exhibiting how extremely wrong British politics has become, for four reasons.

Chocolate Oranges are one of life's little treats. The overwhelming majority of the public like them. Indeed, you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who doesn't like chocolate.

Yet here we are with two leading politicians arrogantly competing to be the one who appears toughest on making that treat more difficult to enjoy. This isn't a mind-altering drug we're talking about here - legal or otherwise - merely a fucking Chocolate Orange!

Secondly, the hideous mindset of the modern politician is of the opinion that they have the right to interfere in decisions of a business - any business - for even something as trivial as a fucking Chocolate Orange! Again, this isn't instant debilitating, excruciating infection such as e.coli in question; no pressing need for regulation on an environmental health kind of level (though I'd argue it's debatable if even that should be handled by the state).

No. They feel empowered to intervene to the degree of a few arse-wibbling pence, on some absurdly minute chance that someone will be tempted to grab armfuls of them to eat in a hedonistic orgy of gluttony ... and then, presumably, carry on doing so for decades before succumbing to diabetes and dying.

Statisticians would punch you in the face if you suggested they waste their time calculating the risk of death from 30p off a fucking Chocolate Orange from WH Smith's, yet the Prime Minister - let me say that again, the fucking Prime fucking Minister - and the leader of the bastard opposition both consider this subject worthy of creating policy.

Now, it's sad that our population can't recognise the third reason as they might be rightly irate if they could pull their heads out of sleb worship long enough, but the message being sent by Messrs Cameron and Miliband is that their mental function is too weak to resist eating a fucking Chocolate Orange or twenty ... just because Smith's have saved them a bit of shrapnel.

I'd like to see them being honest. Come on, you two, let's see it. Go up to the average working man in the street and tell him he is stupid and incapable of making decisions without supervision. Oh yeah, and do it without your bodyguards, you cowardly pricks. Get yourself ready to rumble, eh?

Because, the fourth - and perhaps most important - aspect of current political thinking this tells us is that they all treat us like we are pre-pubescent retards. Infants who need to be led by the nose, simply because our appointed overlords took a course in politics and rimmed their local party committee's back passages.

They are adults perfectly able to control themselves in Westminster with its subsidised bars and groaning shelves of free wine, but the public? You, the public, are just knuckle-dragging fuckwits with the IQ of a nursery school kid.

So, in summation, they have decided that their employers - from whom they steal earnings to fund their disgusting self-righteous posing by way of threats and intimidation - are not able to weigh up decisions for themselves despite trumpeting the brilliance of the education they have taken on themselves to provide. As such, they are unanimous in deciding that a fucking Chocolate Orange should be denied to you, and that the seller should be bullied into complying with our politicians' pompous, and pathetic, posturing.

And they wonder why we increasingly think they're a bunch of self-serving cunts who don't merit a fraction of our time to put an X in a box?

Thanks for showing your collective hands, Miliband. Mind if we just carry on treating you all with utter, undiluted, all-consuming contempt?