Friday 27 January 2012

Chocolate Oranges And The Hideous Arrogance Of Politicians

This article comes with a red mist-o-meter alert, as long time readers will recognise from the graphic further down.

The Mars Bar has long been considered a reliable measure of inflation, but we can now add the Chocolate Orange as a telling indicator of our country's appalling political class.
Ed Miliband has attacked David Cameron for failing to stop the sale of cut-price Chocolate Oranges - something the PM complained about in opposition.

In 2006, Mr Cameron criticised WH Smith for discounting chocolate rather than fruit despite the UK's obesity crisis.
Here we have two walking, talking broom handle politicians exhibiting how extremely wrong British politics has become, for four reasons.

Chocolate Oranges are one of life's little treats. The overwhelming majority of the public like them. Indeed, you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who doesn't like chocolate.

Yet here we are with two leading politicians arrogantly competing to be the one who appears toughest on making that treat more difficult to enjoy. This isn't a mind-altering drug we're talking about here - legal or otherwise - merely a fucking Chocolate Orange!

Secondly, the hideous mindset of the modern politician is of the opinion that they have the right to interfere in decisions of a business - any business - for even something as trivial as a fucking Chocolate Orange! Again, this isn't instant debilitating, excruciating infection such as e.coli in question; no pressing need for regulation on an environmental health kind of level (though I'd argue it's debatable if even that should be handled by the state).

No. They feel empowered to intervene to the degree of a few arse-wibbling pence, on some absurdly minute chance that someone will be tempted to grab armfuls of them to eat in a hedonistic orgy of gluttony ... and then, presumably, carry on doing so for decades before succumbing to diabetes and dying.

Statisticians would punch you in the face if you suggested they waste their time calculating the risk of death from 30p off a fucking Chocolate Orange from WH Smith's, yet the Prime Minister - let me say that again, the fucking Prime fucking Minister - and the leader of the bastard opposition both consider this subject worthy of creating policy.

Now, it's sad that our population can't recognise the third reason as they might be rightly irate if they could pull their heads out of sleb worship long enough, but the message being sent by Messrs Cameron and Miliband is that their mental function is too weak to resist eating a fucking Chocolate Orange or twenty ... just because Smith's have saved them a bit of shrapnel.

I'd like to see them being honest. Come on, you two, let's see it. Go up to the average working man in the street and tell him he is stupid and incapable of making decisions without supervision. Oh yeah, and do it without your bodyguards, you cowardly pricks. Get yourself ready to rumble, eh?

Because, the fourth - and perhaps most important - aspect of current political thinking this tells us is that they all treat us like we are pre-pubescent retards. Infants who need to be led by the nose, simply because our appointed overlords took a course in politics and rimmed their local party committee's back passages.

They are adults perfectly able to control themselves in Westminster with its subsidised bars and groaning shelves of free wine, but the public? You, the public, are just knuckle-dragging fuckwits with the IQ of a nursery school kid.

So, in summation, they have decided that their employers - from whom they steal earnings to fund their disgusting self-righteous posing by way of threats and intimidation - are not able to weigh up decisions for themselves despite trumpeting the brilliance of the education they have taken on themselves to provide. As such, they are unanimous in deciding that a fucking Chocolate Orange should be denied to you, and that the seller should be bullied into complying with our politicians' pompous, and pathetic, posturing.

And they wonder why we increasingly think they're a bunch of self-serving cunts who don't merit a fraction of our time to put an X in a box?

Thanks for showing your collective hands, Miliband. Mind if we just carry on treating you all with utter, undiluted, all-consuming contempt?


Dominic Allkins said...

I love reading a good rant, and that's one of the best I've read for a long time.

Dick, I applaud you. Thank you for making me laugh audibly on the train

Ricky Herbert said...

Instead of the West Lothian question we now have the chocolate orange question?
Talk about dumbed down politics!

Twenty Rothmans said...

I can see the flecks of foam on your lips. Superb rant.

The sad fucking thing is that they were absolutely correct. People are that stupid. Remember what the bishops did earlier this week?

Jaycas said...

When I first started to read I thought that the chocolate orange was a metaphor for, I dunno, the UK's macroeconomic situation in relation to the global economy, or something.  Then I clicked the link.

It. is. beyond. belief.

Jaycas said...

When I first started to read I thought that the chocolate orange was a metaphor for, I dunno, the UK's macroeconomic situation in relation to the global economy, or something.  Then I clicked the link.

It. is. beyond. belief.

Angry Squaddie said...

I'm somewhat reminded of Tucker's Law:  "If some cunt can fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.". When it comes to Milliband, I don't mind that he's fucking up because he's a cunt. Then again, so is Cameron.

Bandit 1 said...

Top rant, Dick, but you forgot #5: it demonstrates how little actual legislative power remains with our elected representatives.

Jax said...

Spot on, Bandit.  The likes of Chocolate Oranges is all our caretaker politicians have left to argue over, for goodness’ sake.  All the real stuff is now debated, decided and legislated on by Brussels.  No wonder politicians seem to be out of touch – they are out of touch.  But that’s the whole point – they don’t need to be in touch any more.  In fact, their being out of touch is a positive advantage, because it distracts the Daily Mail and Daily Telegraph-reading public from what’s really going on, and from how little power our politicians actually have over the things that really matter.

Dick_Puddlecote said...

I stand corrected. Let the record show that, yes, our politicians are equally cavalier with our country's autonomy as that of their long suffering plebs. Fuckers, ain't they?

Kevin Mulvina said...

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its
victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under
robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's
cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be
satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us
without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.C. S. Lewis

Lysistrata Eleftheria said...

A fabulous post. One of your best, and you've done some fine ones along the way. Thank you. I am writing this while eating chocolate and smoking, btw.

MichaelJMcFadden said...

Too bad there's no comments section.  We could go over and quote MikeD at length about "the pretty packages" the evil chocolate industry is using to addict the children under the guise of attracting adult customers.

P.S. for any who don't know MikeD, try visiting the 700ish comments at: 

Dick_Puddlecote said...

Indeed. Bright little sparkler, our Dave, isn't he? ;)

nisakiman said...

I think it's about time Stephen Williams MP put forward a motion for plain packaging of chocolate oranges with at least two-thirds of the packet covered in graphic warnings / images.

How many children are being put at risk by the pretty packaging that Big Chocolate deliberately and cynically use to entice young people to start buying them? We could save thousands of lives by adopting a plain packaging policy. And they should also not be on display, but covered and behind the counter. And subject to a punitive tax escalator.

We can have a chocolate orange free society!

Dave Copeland (Parmenion) said...

After reading the hundreds of comments on his blog, I'm hoping that Stephen Williams MP will see some sense, and maybe start to question his beliefs on his anti-smoking stance.
Methinks MikeD is thinking the same thing!

theprog said...

Only a fool would think that such a proposal would never be on the cards. In fact, I'd wager discussions are already underway, if not in parliament. And lets face it, there's one hell of a lot of fools out there  - as evidenced by the mass acceptance of the smoking ban.

lleweton said...

Dick: I love the passion of your argument and properly righteous anger - note righteous, not self-righteous. I'd like to share it on Facebook but - this is not a criticism - some of my Friends there are of a generation and culture whose sympathy for our views would be deterred by a certain rumbustiousness, here and there, of epithet 

Dick_Puddlecote said...

Copy and paste before substituting the odd adjective or two? ;)