... And A Genuine Rolex For Everyone

It's a deal, it's a steal, it's the sale of the century. Turn on the tax tap, Darling, Gordon's buying some friends.

A new £1bn business investment quango; guaranteed training for school leavers; increased investment in ... err ... just about everything; 10,000 new 'green' jobs which don't yet exist; promise to increase the minimum wage, child benefit, and child tax credit annually for the next five years; free childcare for 2 year olds; family intervention projects for 50,000 families; supervised housing for teen mums; doctors' results guaranteed within a week; police response guaranteed within 48 hours; and a free Rolex watch for everyone (OK, I made the last one up, but it carries the same sentiment).

And seeing as he has already saved the world, he's now going to single-handedly eradicate cancer! Yes, SuperBrown the finance god is now SuperBrown the global medical science god.

That's gonna cost a shitload of money, Gordon. In a recession too, remember. So how will it all be financed?

A higher tax on the very rich only, and a 0.5% increase in national insurance (isn't that meant solely for the NHS?) in 2011.

Hmm, seems a tad on the lightweight side. I think there is something Gordon isn't telling us. Oh, hold on, I just worked it out. This is all in the future (2011 again) so he doesn't have to honour any of it unless, in the next 7 months, there is a miracle, on the scale of the parting of the Red Blue Sea, that sweeps away voter disdain and returns his woeful party into office.

And in the extremely unlikely event of that happening, Labour can always just completely ignore their promises, breathe a sigh of relief with the key to Number 10 in their grubby mitts, and do something completely different.

It worked before, so why not again, eh Gordon? That referendum on PR won't look so attractive if Labour actually gain an unlikely election victory under the FPTP system, so it can be quietly swept under the carpet à la Lisbon, then back to the tax, tax, tax and spend; the war on free-thinkers; and the inflation of the public payroll.

And that Rolex? A shonky £2 fake, imported in bulk from a Bazaar in Istanbul, will suffice. Give it to them when 'Stenders is on, they'll never notice the difference.

He got one thing absolutely correct though. It was very stirring. So I'm nicking it as I say to you.

Never stop believing in the good sense of the British people.

Never stop believing we can move forward to a fairer, more responsible, more prosperous Britain.

Never stop believing we can make a Britain equal to its best ideals.

Never, never stop believing. And because the task is difficult the triumph will be even greater.

Now is not the time to give in but to reach inside ourselves for the strength of our convictions.

... now go back to your constituencies, and prepare to consign Labour to the food slops bin of history.