We're all dying too young, they scream. We must all live pristine lives as we tilt at mundane immortality. If we listen to the righteous, though, we could add a whole ten years to a drab existence.
And why not when there is so much to look forward to in our senility?
Britain's ageing population faces a healthcare 'timebomb', Andy Burnham, the health secretary has warned.
Huge pressures are being put on existing care services in the UK as people live longer and need more resources to look after them, he said.
Mr Burnham said: "The current care system is creaking at the seams and can't cope."
So put that fag out, chuck the cans of Carlsberg in the bin, stop buying Olde Oak ham, ban 7up from the house, throw out your frying pan, start running marathons, stock up on lentils and mangetout, buy a smoothie maker, sleep in the spare room and go everywhere by bike.
Then you too can spend your last years on this island, in a 'creaking' care system, having your needs ignored or being treated as an inconvenient annoyance.
Or, if Burnham's plan is successful, your reward for living so cleanly will be to pay a government body for longer than if you had just ignored all the hectoring and enjoyed your life.
Mr Burnham added: "We're having a Big Care Debate in England and asking people how they want to pay for care - have an insurance system, something that's comprehensive or just part paid for."
Marvellous.
