If you want to get onto the fake charity bandwagon, here's an opportunity.
More than half of all Britons have been injured by biscuits ranging from scalding from hot tea or coffee while dunking or breaking a tooth eating during a morning tea break, a survey has revealed.
Simply register with the Charities Commission, apply to the DoH for a slice of the health obsessed grant cascade, and off you go. The buzzwords and sound bites are all laid out for you.
- 25 million adults injured by biscuits
- 500 people hospitalised (remember to think up a resultant cost for that - any old figure will do, just make it big and scary)
- The evidence is overwhelming. Eating biscuits is a proven danger to the nation's dental health
- The effects of passive dunking can scald those around you, including fragile and soft-skinned chiiildren (mustn't forget them - very important)
- Figures show that biscuit-related injuries have dramatically increased (before this study, we didn't know of any)
You'll need a snappy acronym for your charity, how about 'Committee for Reinforcement of Uniform Biscuit Safety' (CRUMBS)? Next, get more funding from those in competition, the cake industry for example, and formulate your targets.
These could include:
- Forcing evil biscuit industry barons to display health warnings
- Pushing for legislation to ensure Rich Teas are pre-softened to avoid pointy snap hazards
- a minimum unit price to be charged on Hobnobs
- Cafés to be made biscuitfree for the safety of all customers. If you really want that chocolate digestive, it's not too much of an effort to step outside
- The introduction of two new crimes. 'Possession of a Custard Cream' and 'Assault with a deadly Bourbon'
Then just issue a press release to the BBC and you'll be on the lunchtime news in no time.
Job for life.