Thursday, 26 February 2009

Labour's Temperance Policy: It's More Ingrained Than We Thought

Via Tory Bear, it appears to be career suicide to admit to enjoying alcohol in Brown's Labour. Dolly Draper was incandescent at the suggestion.

firstly, you wanna make sure richard desmond's lawyers don't see this rip-off and secondly on my "drinking" you are making a complete fool of yourself. I have never drunk to excess and indeed havn't even been mildly drunk for over twenty years.

Dolly, you should chill out and get comprehensively shit-faced every now and then. It sure blows off the cobwebs. Perhaps the lack of a serious session with Dr Al K Hall is the reason why you're an insufferable, agitated, anal prick with the personality of a spoon, and possessing as calm a nature as an angry hormonal American pubescent in possession of a machine gun.

Drink might make you type words correctly too.

I should be a psychiatrist, me.


Curmudgeon said...

Indeed, I worry about someone who hasn't even been "mildly drunk" for twenty years.

I wonder what qualifies as "mildly drunk" in NuLabour circles? A three-pint "binge"?

As you say, a good session from time to time blows away the mental cobwebs.

Cate Munro said...

Couldn't agree more. Getting wankered every so often is highly necessary in my humble opinion. Personally, I haven't not drunk to excess for over 20 years and have no cobwebs that I'm aware of. God only knows what's festering away in Dolly's decomposing nethers! Hideous thought!

Mark Wadsworth said...

Tee hee, let me share one of my favourite anecdotes:

1. A lass at work was getting married, proudly informed us that her hubbie to be didn't drink.

2. I was horrified - but how can you marry somebody if you don't know what he's like drunk? He might be quite jolly, he might be violent, maudlin, stupid or otherwise insufferable.

3. Don't worry, she said, his parents were alcoholics and he saw what it did to them, he will never drink (a bit of a giveaway there in that sentence ...)

4. At the wedding he got hopelessly drunk, rounded off his speech by turning to his bride and concluding "... l look at xxx and think, you've got to take what life throws at you".

5. Wedding rounded off with fights, police and fire brigade called (although the fire was in the kitchen, it wasn't anything to do with the fight)

6. Needless to say, they never had kids and were divorced a few years later.

In summary, people who claim they don't drink are c*nts. That includes Muslims, people who don't drink on principle and people who do drink but claim they don't. The only exceptions are people who genuinely don't like alcohol, and I have met a few who genuinely don't enjoy it, the same way that I don't enjoy cannabis.

@ TP, I haven't not drunk to excess for twenty five years either. I wouldn't find my way to bed sober, frankly.

Mark Wadsworth said...

WV: table

Lawson said...

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to
his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain
cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always
feel smarter after a few beers."

Anonymous said...

Good old Cliffie, 'Cheers' very own Pangloss.

Can you remember, Lawson, his 'explanation' involving open-toed sandals at the end of the last episode?


banned said...

Lawson Narse, you forgot
" I spent half my fortune on women and booze, the rest I just wasted".
George Best.

The anti-booze model is being developed right now in Australia where entire Aboriginal areas are being designated alcohol free zones because some 'abos' drink too much grog ; likewise all pornography is banned in similar areas because some Aboriginals rape their children.

Note the typical Righteous methodology, pick on a weak victim group and link them to an evil one.

Lawson said...

IEBOC, I know well the methods of the Righteous. They have been present in our society for many more years than we to care recognise.

There will always be those who know best.

Dick the Prick said...

Oscar Wilde: 'work is the curse of the drinking classes'.

MW - love the thought of the groom telling the room 'gots to take what life throws at ya' - comedy twat.

I can't smoke this cannibis they grow now without a few beers first - get the fear.

The BBC in their impartial reportage of the SNP tax fleece interviewed a guy who used to drink 14 bottles of wine a day! - tosser and tossers.

Lawson said...

14 bottles? Is that humanly, let alone monetarily, possible?
How would one appreciate the nose and the development on the palate?

What am I thinking of? He was drinking it straight from the box, wasn't he?

"Suspension of disbelief," kind of covers statements from the Beeb.

Dick the Prick said...

Lawson Narse - yeah, I thought it was bloody smelly. I've heard of people necking a couple of bottles of voddy but....they'd be on the loo all the time. Thin blood though!?!