Wednesday 1 July 2009

Elf And Safety Wars

More intense nannying courtesy of the Telegraph. There is so very much wrong with this that it's almost beyond parody.

Family told to remove trampoline 'because it could be used by burglars'

A father claims he was told to remove his daughter's small trampoline from their shared garden – in case burglars used it to jump through his neighbours' windows.

I don't know about you, but I'm hearing the Benny Hill theme tune as I write this. It's a 12 inch high, and 3 feet wide trampoline for fuck's sake. One can almost imagine the little bald guy, clad in striped shirt and mask, bag over his shoulder complete with stencilled 'SWAG', bouncing in fast motion only to be splatted against a pebble-dashed wall.

Wait, though, it gets better. Obviously, it goes without saying that the father's housing association ordered him to remove this lethal device owing to it being a 'safety hazard'. It is what we have come to expect. But get this bit.

"It's complete rubbish anyone would use it to help them break in," the health and safety inspector said.

Kaboom! One of those punch the air, throw your head back, bellow with laughter, whilst screaming 'Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh Lord, YES!' moments.

Sow and ye shall reap, fucktard. Just like a psychic who doesn't foresee being run over by a bus, did he not recognise the likely risk that leaving a toy out in the open might result in a letter, from a numpty of his ilk, dropping on his doormat?

Don't go just yet though. It's not the end of the fuckwittery.

A spokesman for London and Quadrant, the housing association ... denied that risk of burglary was a factor.

Oh really? Has this spat between an over-protective organisation and one of their own kind, more to offer us?

Well bugger me sideways with a rolled-up risk assessment - indeed it has.

"The trampoline is in a communal area on our land and our only concern was that when it is left unattended other children could use it and may hurt themselves," he said.

It's a kids toy. Designed for kids to use. Safely. In fact, a health and safety inspector (like Daddy-hard-done-by here) was probably despatched with a spinning light on his head to check every tiny aspect of the design before it was even allowed to be photographed for the Argos catalogue.

And if a kid did use it, and was injured, so what? Either their parents should have been supervising them, or, and admittedly this is an incomprehensible concept to these people, the parents trusted their kids to exercise responsibility and to accept the consequences should they not do so.

In short, it's absolutely nothing to do with the housing association whatsoever.

Add in the fact that this is no doubt another instance of the 'anonymous complainant' setting the whole comprehensive waste of time, effort, and money in motion, and we have an archetypal snapshot of a miserablist nation jam-packed full of odious, self-important, unthinking fuckknuckles.

Anyway, I've been writing this for too long and the kids should be in bed. Got to call them in from the garden as playtime is over and I want my steak knives back.


Helen said...

Pathetic isn't it. My kids started complaining a long while ago how they were no longer able to play how they used to because of daft rules.

Like you say - they're just kids and they just want to do what kids should do - play!

Anonymous said...

Thank the Lord (or Allah or whoever) that he didn't leave a hammer or, God (no I'm not going through that again)a spanner lying around. They could have been used to smash a window, knock an illegal nail into a protected piece of wood or dismantle a child's bike - resulting in death or worse.
Personally, I am totally anti trampolines and feel that they should be banned in all public places, private places and places not available to the public or private people - the risk is too great to take chances.
I also believe that, as more people are killed by accidents at home when putting trousers on than are killed by accidents involving kettles that these should also be banned. I also read recently that trees, plants and vegetation can trigger an allergic reaction in some people and, naturally, for safety, these should also be banned. Red meat has also been proven a defined risk in some and, chicken, pork and other white meats may contain harmful bacteria.
In addition, it has been proven that sheep are a major contributor to Climate Change.
Until we ban all vegetation, animals and clothing, there simply is no way that we can consider ourselves safe.
Anyone who feels that this is wrong simply does not understand the risks involved and, patently wishes harm and a slow death on others - and we cannot allow this.

Unknown said...

I think it is irresponsible for this parent to leave such a weapon of mass destruction laying around, willy nilly like...what if the unsuspecting burglar, after boing, boinging to reach sufficient height then missed his target and did themselves some injury? Has he never heard of Claims Direct???

Now if he left a ladder next to the trampoline with a note saying "Attention all burglars! Please ensure you have an accomplice to steady the ladder in case of accidents!"

Oh and Mr. P, steak knives????? (Now where did I put Esther's Childline number?)

BTS said...

Please tell me that you're going to call Esther so that the kids can practice their surgery skills using the steak knives on a suitable subject..?

banned said...

This PCSO came up to me the other day and demanded to know what I had on the end of my arms.
" Just my hands " I replied, jocularly.
" hrhumph, well you might clench them up and smash those nearby kiddies into a bloody pulp"
was his response before calling up the real Police who removed me and later my hands, just to be on the safe side.

Anonymous said...

Sorry Dick, but I have to take issue with you on the trampoline item.

A well-positioned trampoline can be an absolute godsend for the wretched tealeaf!

Let me explain…some time ago a Billy Smarts circus troupe invaded my garden and began to entertain with some juggling and a clown on stilts (my personal favourite); they quickly commandeered my newly bought trampoline and did some amazing stunts, at first I was suitably enthralled then things went horribly wrong.

One by one each and every artist (including all piss artists) bounced from my trampoline right through my open upstairs window, some were doing simple forward somersaults, but others were more creative, incorporating one and a half tuck twists with just a hint of a 30 degree pike to finish…I was truly amazed, but didn’t realize what they were really up to.

When they began to emerge from my home with my three-piece suite and all my B&Q special offer soft furnishings, then I knew I had to act.

Being a pipe smoker of some 40 years came in handy…I quickly refilled my pipe with Condor ready rubbed (flake can dry out too quickly), and stood some distance from the troupe…I lit my pipe and began to puff away. I knew I could use my knowledge about ‘passive smoking’ and drifting smoke…and I was not to be disappointed.

Within minutes Dick – yes that’s right, minutes; the whole troupe succumbed to my assault, and became comatose. But when the police arrived…guess what…I was arrested with - assault with a deadly weapon – my pipe and it’s smoke.

Anyway things got sorted, and my pipe has been returned with the caution not to show it in public for a whole year. I swear on my grandmother’s support stockings all this is true.

I’m sorry Dick…but that new medication that you advised me about…well, it just isn’t working.