Saturday, 25 July 2009

Never Again

Last night, I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes etc. From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating condition is very serious and it appears this is not an isolated case. Texts are flooding in to me of many others who have the same symptoms.

To anyone who starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately take some Ibuprofen (seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu) and mutter 'never again' at regular intervals. Others are reporting a huge greasy fry-up can help in some cases. Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening, and if treated early can be eradicated within a 24 hour period.

If not, then further application of the same liquid in similar quantities to the original dose has been shown to do the trick.


Unknown said...

Dick, I sympathise…but instead of going out drinking next weekend why not try something different – more exciting.

So how about this!


Head boiling…your own head to be precise! Yep, that’s right…spend your next weekend making your head smaller, more compact, and a lovely shade of red.

This wisdom is something I came to over many years of looking for anything that could satisfy my craving for knowledge and further well being.

A thoroughly well boiled head can look aesthetically pleasing, and give you greater esteem within your community. But it has to be done properly.

I’ve seen boiled heads that were carried out without due care and attention – and so can look totally ridiculous…so be warned!

First make sure that you acquire a good quality large pan, stainless steel would be ideal. Fill your pan with hot water and bring to the boil. Then put a plastic bag over your head and pop it in to the boiling water. At first you’ll feel pain…but stick with it. Once the initial pain has worn off you’ll begin to feel just fine.

Head boil for at least an hour…but whatever you do…do not add vegetables to the pot, otherwise you could end up with a greenish complexion – and that simply wouldn’t do would it?

You need about three sessions before your head has shrunk to the correct size, but when you look in the mirror you will see the wisdom of my advice.

Your head will look so much smaller, red and in keeping with today’s fashion statements. However your ears will stay the same size, and if you have large ears to begin with then you could look just plain stupid. So, don’t head boil if you have elephantine size ears – OK?

When you’re ready, go out into the community and accept all the admiring comments and glances that you will richly deserve…but remember accept plaudits modestly, after all nobody likes a big head do they?

Have fun Dick - you deserve it!

Mark Wadsworth said...

The key is to drink a pint of water before you go to bed, and take a couple of aspirin/Ibuprofen as well.

Anonymous said...

'Wine Flu'

As a consumer of industrial amounts of vin rouge I can confirm that I have been suffering from Wine Flu, on and off, for over 20 years!

Wouldn't have it any other way though.

Cheers, my friend, hair of the dog and all that;-)

Absolutely amazing . . .
wv: puddl
I shit you not.
I'm going to take a screen grab and mail it to you!

Unknown said...

Mark, I have tried that on (ahem) one or two occasions too. Still doesn't work that well. The real key to this is just not to drink the wine in the first place. As that is not a possibility in my world (and probably DPs) then I suppose we must all continue to suffer from this w(h)ine flu at regular intervals...ah well... :-)

DP, from the symptoms it sounds like a fun night was had.

Unknown said...

Oh Dick, you need help my friend! Why don't you nip over to the F2C blog and look for the word 'questionaire' that will take you to a page where you can benefit mankind by ridding this country of the highly addictive recreational drug called "socialising!"

First step though is to admit to yourself that you have a problem! You know it makes non sense.

Captain Ranty said...

An uncle of mine swore one day that he had uncovered a sovereign remedy for a hangover.

He procured a young black mamba and shoved it up his arse.

Naturally, the snake was none too pleased with this and bit him. He died almost instantly.

On the upside, he never suffered with a hangover ever again.

For PETA fans, the snake was fine. Until they failed to find a new owner and had it put down...

killemallletgodsortemout said...

You'd better prepare yourself for a knock on the door from some do-gooder, like Liam Donaldson.

"Tut-tut, Mr. Puddlecote. You've exceeded the number of yew-nits this week. Off with his head!"

Witterings from Witney said...

DP - And how many times, in the past, have you said 'never again'?

I really don't know what the problem is with you youngsters - have a couple of drinks (or bottles) and promptly get a headache?

Pleased you enjoyed the 'bash' though!

Coincidence the verification word is 'suppe' - presumably Old English for 'drink up'?

Anonymous said...

Had a friend called Neville (Neva, for short): owned a greengrocer's shop in Matlock. Who knew that coconuts could be a fire hazard? Shop burned to the ground, roasted vegetables, smoke-dried bananas, you probably get the picture. Didn't stop him, though: had the shop restored, re-stocked, and re-named:

He called it Neva Again.

Dick the Prick said...

Tea & a dump - hair of the dog is dangerous as can just kill the day.

WV: enessell - desperation in dry shop?

Dick Puddlecote said...

Chris: Whatever wibbly-wobbly world you live in, I don't care. The sky may be purple there but a laugh would be guaranteed if we went for a beer.

MW: Been at a wedding today since 3pm so will try that tonight. Hair of the dog worked OK today though so is a hard act to follow.

WFW: Loads

By the way, Don Shenker has been in touch. He says I'm a very bad man and reckons he can save my soul. The cunt.

banned said...

Handy hints for Wine Flu victims
1) Avoid Ibuprofen from Tesco, £4.00, try Co-Op own brand, 60p.
2) Avoid the women in your life as their nagging aggravates the symptoms
3) Watch an old and untesting movie.

As a youngling I used to get headaches when suffering wine-flu but one day I sat and thought it away, it has never re-occured but, I have found that with age, the other after-effects of drinking get worse though I had hoped to become immune.

A 'hair of the dog' is useful to get you through a short term crisis ( see advice #2 above ) but will only put off the eventual reckoning.

BTS said...

The best advice is simply to never stop drinking. It works for me..

Anonymous said...

8 hours later, and Wine Flu has completely entered the lexicon at my work. Well done!

Antipholus Papps said...

And how many times, in the past, have you said 'never again'?

Ah yes, but this time he followed it with "and this time I mean it".

BTS said...

Still drinking, still fine..