Sunday 15 August 2010

First World War As A Pub Fight

Genius pinched from Theo Spark.

Germany, Austria and Italy are stood together in the middle of the pub, when Serbia bumps into Austria, and spills Austria's pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit, because there are splashes on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for cleaning Austria's trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.

Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings, because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. **

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken, and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.
** It was at this point that I choked on my beer.

UPDATE: A brilliant epilogue.

And when Germany wakes up, it goes out to it's car, gets the gun out of the glovebox and heads back inside...


All Seeing Eye said...

Very very good.

Dick Puddlecote said...

Ain't it just, ASE? The bit about the yanks was particularly amusing, too.

Mark Wadsworth said...

The reason that Britain joined in was the ruling classes wanting to knock the stuffing out of the working classes because they had become too emboldened by the Liberal government.

Anonymous said...

Top, top post!!!

Captain Haddock said...

Brilliantly written DP ... thanks for the laughs ..

Anonymous said...

Third World War Pub fight

Dont think so,
There'lle be no pubs left,they'lle
have to have it in Wetherspoons

Onkel Fritz

JuliaM said...

Crying with laughter!

Bill Sticker said...


Fredrik Eich said...

I have always thought that the reasons for WWI were pretty unfathomable. I think this is probably the best explanation yet.

Dick Puddlecote said...

Haddock: Wish it were my work, but not that imaginative.

I had a hankering to watch Gallipoli again after posting that. Mrs P cried at the end ... again.

DaveA said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DaveA said...

"At the end Germany and France kiss and make up, pinch Britain's wallet, buy a few bottles and have a piss up round at the Belgium's house."

That was my epilogue.

Dr Evil said...

You got a genuine LOL there. It was very funny!

Dick the Prick said...

Tres amusant. Cheers DP.