Do you see a pattern emerging here?
Homebuyers could be forced to provide detailed information about the amount of money they spend on alcohol each month to qualify for a new mortgage under a new clampdown on reckless lending.
In a sweeping review of the mortgage market published today, the Financial Services Authority (FSA) said lenders needed to be far more rigorous about their financial checks of potential borrowers.
It said lenders should delve deeper into homebuyers' personal spending including the amount they spend on alcohol and tobacco.
Sorry, FSA, none of your fucking business.
Nor do you need a breakdown of spending on shoes and childcare, or how much we pay per month on frozen ready meals, or alloy wheels, or that subscription to Jugs Monthly, come to that. Don't you get it? Keep your conks out, these details are no concern of yours. Nor are the ins and outs of a duck's arse and our inside leg measurements.
Overall income and expenditure is all the knowledge you require, OK?
Of course, if these questions really are suggestions for the new bells'n'whistles 'approved' FSA affordability test, I imagine fake charities and the Department of Health will be clamouring to get their gnarled bony hands on the responses, judging by their zeal to push for heavy restrictions lately. Figures can only be twisted when there is plenty of data to pummel into a shape which best serves healthist scaremongery - a whole slew of new figures on alcohol and tobacco use will have them whooping into their pine nut bruschetta and camomile tea.
Harvesting the private consumption levels of those who bother no-one and pay their own way would dovetail nicely with the results of legislation currently passing through parliament enabling benefit claimants to be hectored for much the same thing.
But as the bill draws nearer to becoming law, there are growing concerns about the new powers it will devolve to Jobcentre staff. The legislation would allow them to ask benefit claimants searching questions about their drug or alcohol use. Those suspected of having a dependency or of misusing drugs will then be asked to undergo an assessment and, if they refuse, face having their benefits withdrawn for a maximum of 26 weeks.
Do you know, I think that, secretly, they would really like to just send rummage squads to rifle through our bins, searching for signs of good living, but are afraid of the backlash.
It would be more honest though and, let's face it, it's not like they don't already dream of the day when they can have a good old nose around in our waste, is it? Otherwise, ads like this would have lacked that little spark of original inspiration.
Curtain-twitching is the new black, doncha know.