Thursday 9 September 2010

They're Loving It

Shhh. Listen very carefully. Can you hear the sound of UK health lobbyists preparing parliamentary briefings after reading this?

A WORLD-FIRST study has called for the introduction of a 10 per cent tax on junk food

As well, it called for increased alcohol and tobacco taxes and mandatory limits on salt levels in bread and cereal in a package that would cut costs and save thousands of lives.
It's from some koala-worriers in the sand pit at the arse end of the world, but they're deadly serious in their 122 page report.

Drone-voiced tax buck suckler Tam Fry will be climaxing on hearing such news, as will his National Obesity Forum colleague, Jane DeVille-Almond (remember her?). The next level of sin tax is almost here - soon, the price of just about everything you consume, of which the righteous don't approve, will be under their control. All they have to do is convince a few lackwit MPs. From past experience, that shouldn't be too difficult, someone claiming to be a doctor merely has to sling some one-sided study their way and our dozy politicos will be queueing up to run their tongues over the shoes of whoever presents it.

The future beckons. One where the Chancellor stands up on budget day to quaff his time-honoured wheatgrass smoothie, before raising tax on Big Macs by a further 2.4% from midnight because the public won't stop buying them.

Oh yeah, and while he is on the subject, he has noticed that other foods aren't as good for you as qinoa and butternut squash, so the tax will be extended to minced beef, sunflower oil, frozen croquettes and mushy peas. The minimum price plans for supermarket value ranges will be announced in the government's white paper later in the year, as it's worrying that the public can buy them for 'pocket money prices' ... sometimes even cheaper than a head of lettuce.

And with the budget delivered, the Home Secretary rises to make a statement on the progress of the EU's war on illegal salt smuggling cartels.


Curmudgeon said...

And junk food is defined how exactly? Bread? Meat? Cheese?

JuliaM said...

"Drone-voiced tax buck suckler Tam Fry will be climaxing on hearing such news..."

Oh, that's going to require a bucket of mindbleach...

Hellraiser said...

The next target will be Global Overpopulation and a WILLY tax.

Angry Exile said...

Bloody Queensland! Honestly, some of them stay out and get too much sun for their own good. I propose some kind of daylight tax to help persuade them to stop, possibly funding a subsidised hat scheme, because the rest of us are at risk of catching second hand fuckwittery. It's the kind of thing that would appeal to this lot of nanniers.

Oh, point of order, DP: not a sand pit. 'Sand gropers' are West Australians. Queenslanders are 'banana benders'. Or just bananas.

Pugh said...

I have no doubt that in 20 years' time, all taxpayers (benefit recipients will be excused) will be required to do their daily exercises outside their front door at 6 am every morning.

Your 2-way TV set (which you will not be able to turn off) will sound the trumpet and play the marching music.

Should you not participate, you will be reported by the Party Junior Army of 5 to 11 year olds who will monitor all activity in your district.

Oldrightie said...

Hellraiser, a willy tax is essential!

Dick Puddlecote said...

Curmudgeon: They'll probably form a committee. The righteous will then meet up regularly and decide which 'threat' they wish to hit next.

AE: I was hoping you may drop in. I stand corrected on the local nomenclature.

Pugh: Eminently feasible, I'd say.

Man with Many Chins said...

Hahahahaha a limit on salt in bread....
I take it those cunts have never baked bread then, as salt is used to control the action of the yeast. Too much and the bread doesn't rise, not enough and the fucker explodes.
What a bunch of bullshit and bafflegab from a bunch of cock sockets.

David Gillies said...

MWMC: you beat me to it. I can't remember who it was, might have been Leg-Iron or SquanderTwo, pointed out ages ago that the anti-salt fascists, in addition to being generally ignorant (charitably) about the health impact of sodium, are specifically ignorant about its role other than as a flavour enhancer. For example, a quarter teaspoon of salt whisked into two or three eggs is barely detectable to the palate. It does, however, help to prevent premature protein coagulation, which makes for smoother and creamier scrambled eggs. You will need to add salt at the table, but if the neo-Puritans get their way, the initial nugatory pinch will be counted, restaurants will be brow-beaten or legislated into compliance, the already slim chances of one getting decent scrambled eggs one has not made oneself will diminish still further, and another little chip of paint will peel off the shabby grey edifice in which these vermin want us all to live.

Atlas said...

Well I here by abdicate all responsiblity for my actions. The government can do everything bastard thing for me! They better hurry up though cos my arse is gonna need wiping in a bit!

Anonymous said...

S'truth that truly is one
billabong brim full of Skippy

Am totally of the conviction Oz
should have been handed over to the Nips in 45 as a penal colony.
The joint has become an embarrassment to western cultural

xxxx of .for xxxx's sake