Thursday, 5 March 2009

Dear Advertising Standards Authority

I believe my evidence can't be contested.

Dear Sirs

I am increasingly worried about the current adverts being shown at prime time on high profile channels that portray alluring adverts for alcoholic drinks.

They are government adverts but are highly irresponsible, showing, as they do, perfect examples of wine and beer.

New research, as published by the BBC has proved conclusively that exposure to film or TV adverts, which contain alcohol, make the viewer instantly reach for the nearest available booze.

This is worrying enough, but when coupled with other recent studies the BBC and others have reported, the adverts to which I refer are not only sinister, but potentially deadly!

The Guardian, in December, stated that a study by the World Cancer Research Fund, without doubt a very austere and responsible body seeing as they have Cancer Research in their name, had found that just one pint of beer a day meant that the drinker was 20% more likely to get cancer and die an extremely horrible death.

This was very alarming at the time, and was preying on my mind when I read the recent BBC article on how adverts depicting alcohol turned those poor young students towards the devil drink.

It was the Guardian though, and I realise that they are a newspaper, who by definition, must gain readers by any means. Therefore, whilst deeply concerned, I was level-minded enough to think that it may not have been as apocalyptic as the article suggested. Even though the evidence was from a very well-respected Cancer Research body. I hadn't heard of them before, but I presume they are well-respected seeing as they have Cancer Research in their name.

However, the BBC, who have no such constraints as the Guardian, have just published a survey saying almost exactly the same thing!

The Guardian article says that just one beer a day gives you cancer, and the totally impartial BBC have reported that wine has the same effect, leading to a short life of misery, inevitable cancer, and a slow painful death.

The adverts about which I am complaining are aired every night on our commercial TV stations, showing perfectly served beverages which, as has been scientifically proven by the study highlighted by the BBC, will definitely lead to more people drinking. Therefore leading to cancer and death. And just think of all the poor children that will be deprived of a mother and father as a result!

I know you will say that the adverts are designed to stop people drinking, but I was with my friend Maud the other night and she said that the number 3 on the side of the wine glass suggested that one should drink three of them. She said it was subliminal, and although the message was a good one, those watching are not clever enough to work that out for themselves. I think she is correct.

People are too stupid to be allowed to make their own choices in life. That is exactly why these adverts are on TV in the first place, because they need to be shown the error of their ways, otherwise they tend to do what we tell them not to. So why do the government think that showing such images isn't going to make the population go out and get drunk?

The research conclusively proves it, and by no less a purveyor of truth than the BBC.

I saw one of these adverts myself tonight and was almost tempted to throw away my prune juice and pop down the off licence for a couple of cans of Cripple Cock. If I had not been able to resist the urge, I may well have been in a pine box by tomorrow morning!

Many will, of course, not have been able to control themselves, which is why we have incredibly selfless souls like Alcohol Concern looking after us.

The evidence is overwhelming from the BBC, as unbiased a source as could possibly be. The debate is over. Everyone knows that these adverts are driving people to drink and the result is death. They should be pulled immediately in case they cause even more mortality than they already have. I ran figures through my computer earlier and it showed that nearly 10,000 people could have died already.

If not for me, please stop this carnage for the children.

Dick Puddlecote

I feel like Letters From a Tory, except I sent mine.


banned said...

Yes, and what about the evil pregnant ones whose single glass of wine a week will lead to their unborn offspring being lifetime alcoholics and that's if they are not aborted as cancerous cadavers.

Stop Hitting Me Officer said...

I always thought that it had been proven beyond doubt that if Mummykins had a few too many gin slings during pregnancy one was born as an incurable busybody fascist politician?

Hey - word verification for this comment is "hutch". Now why couldn't "we" (i.e., "they") have modeled "our" (i.e., "their") police force (i.e., "Stasi") on Husky & Crutch? I mean, Starsky & Hutch?

Even Kojak would have been an improvement...

Talking of which, isn't it time that the camera in my laptop took a quick mugshot of me every time I posted a comment too? Word verification seems too thin and ineffective to deter terrorists.

Neal Asher said...

Hah! Very good.