Thursday, 5 March 2009

Mashed Up

Those delightful funsters at The Daily Mash have nailed it again.


MILLIONS of people across Britain who never go to the pub were last night asking why all the pubs were closing down.

As it was revealed that 2000 pubs have closed in the last year, non-pub goers said their community would not be the same without the local pub they never went to.

Margaret Gerving, from Peterborough, said: "I was delighted when the smoking ban came in because it meant I could finally go to the pub without being killed.

"But then I didn't, mainly because I'm not the sort of person who likes going to pubs. I prefer to stay in with a carton of pomegranate juice and a bag of pine nuts and make long lists of all the things I want banned.



Curmudgeon said...

Absolutely brilliant! And it reflects what I've said in the past, that the smoking ban was basically a way of making pubs acceptable to non-pubgoers.

"So the folk who used to go in a pub once every three months and moan about it being smoky, will now still go in every three months and say how much better it is that there’s no smoke and all those rough people are no longer there."

Assuming it's still open at all, that is.

Sue said...

No one will actually bother with the pubs now as they're empty and boring!

Smokers are "FUN" people!

Mark Wadsworth said...

What Sue says.

Unknown said...

I went to the pub the other night and went outside for a cig. Nobody outside. I thought perhaps it was all true that everyone was giving up. It took me a nanosecond after that stupid thought to realise that all the sensible buggers were staying at home and I was the only smoking idiot out in the wind and rain.

Can't wait for the summer when all the whining self righteous bastards will be twittering on about the smokers in the beer gardens. I think I am within my rights to tell them to fuck off home as I had stuck a claim on it all through the freeze your tits off winter....if I still go to the pub....if it is still open...

Curmudgeon said...

And of course the next step in the process is to seek to ban smokers from most (if not all) of outdoor drinking areas. See here for a taster.

Unknown said...

To carry on the vein of terminal stupidity...

On a recent holiday there were two of us sat in quite a nice size smoking area with comfy chairs and sofas. People kept coming over and sitting down then noticed the 'designated smoking area' sign on the table and moving, possibly so they didn't 'catch smoking'. It was a full afternoon's entertainment. One such couple, on sitting down and realising, moved quickly announcing loudly that they could not sit there as it was the smoking area. The uptight twats then proceeded to sit about two chairs down....cos that makes so much of a difference that it doesn't have a sign on the table.

some people just deserve a wake up slap

banned said...

Like the Mash T-Shirt " As an adult the recommended daily alcohol limit is to drink as much as I fucking want to ".

I was chatting to the area manager of a group of restaurant pubs and his were all doing reasonably well, which is fine except that I don't want to go for a few drinks in a restaurant.
It is the unreconstucted local boozers with no outside smoking area that are closing down. I tried my local again the other day but having to go outside for a smoke after each large Laphroig was a real downer.
So it was away to the off-license and home for a nice session of social exclusion.

I'll try the pub again in the summer, assuming it is still open.