Sunday 7 March 2010

None Of Your Business, Joan

I was going to pass this little piece of fuckwittery over, but I feel it's cathartic after the weekend's shenanigans.

Regular readers will know that the flaming red mist-o-meter means that Puddlecote emotions are running high. Look away now if you don't like words like fuck.

Does anyone know where I can contact Joan Smith? As I'd like to shovel mushy peas through her fucking letterbox.

The death of someone who made a good living out of providing self-righteous middle class fucknuggets with quality food (nothing wrong with that) is seized upon as a chance for Joanie to have a superior rant at we who prefer what we, er, prefer.

We've all got to change according to Joan. She is deeply offended by the public's refusal to bow to her fucking demands.

For all that Rose Gray did, much of what people eat is pre-cooked rubbish
Joan, it's none of your business what others eat, love.

But the fact remains that most people in this country are overweight or obese, much of what they eat is pre-cooked rubbish, and Tesco has had more influence on their eating habits than the River Café.
We all know who Tesco are, but what the living fuck is River Café? And why in buggery should it cut more sway with us than a universally accessible business where we tend to buy a lot of our food?

Those not as elitist as yourself would dearly love to be on first name terms with the proprietors of River Café, or any other pricey right-on eaterie, but I can bet that once we turned up en masse you would be out the door faster than Wayne Bridge if John Terry popped up in his local.

And. "The fact remains that most people in this country are overweight"? Really? Do fuck right off, you hideous prick. If over 50% of the country is, by your terms, overweight, that makes them normal. The minority are then underweight.

I don't agree, even remotely, with your sources, but then you don't give any. Merely a righteous view on how you wish others to live.

Listen, Joan, I don't make the rules, but in a democracy we are continually told that the majority wins. It's used repeatedly against other lifestyle choices, so what's good for the goose is good for everyone else. You can't pick and choose.

Fatten up and join the rampaging horde, bitch. Or just shut the fuck up.

I'm sorry about this, loathing Tesco as I do, and I wish the general public paid more attention to the good guys of the food business. But the River Café is expensive and cheap food is regarded as a human right these days; burger chains compete to advertise price cuts on bus shelters as though nothing else actually matters. Jamie Oliver, who once worked at the River Cafe, has hectored and cajoled the inhabitants of South Yorkshire without managing to achieve a lasting change in their eating habits. Fried chicken, meat pies and curries dripping with clarified butter still reign supreme.
You loathe Tesco because they give the public what they want? What kind of perverse harridan are you?

You abhor people because they eat what they want and not what you decide they should? Who made you the judge, Joan?

It's none of your fucking business what others eat. No, not just a little bit, a lot. The eating habits of others should be as alien to you as the sexual practices of a Brazilian transexual midget. It is quite simply not your concern.

This is an egregious example of the quite astoundingly elitist, more-equal-than-others thinking to which we have grown accustomed. But normally, it is advanced by the mob rule of majority over minority.

Smith shows that the righteous don't care whether they enjoy majority approval or not. They will bludgeon their selfish notions through by any means possible.

You 'loathe' Tesco, Joan? Stand outside, picket the place, and see how far you get, you horrendous bint.

But then, when have those who wish to impose their morals on us ever done that? They just mainline into the consciousness of the chimps at Westminster and bingo! We proles must comply or die.

Jamie Oliver can fuck right off too.


timbone said...

"...much of what they eat is pre-cooked rubbish..."
So, my understanding from this is that most of the UK population eat pre-cooked meals, and that this is what fills most of the aisles at Tesco.

Constantly Furious said...


Dominic Allkins said...

Now that is the way to vent one's spleen.

Great post.

JuliaM said...

"Children need to be taught about food preparation and cooking at school, from an early age."

No. No, no, no!

They need to be taught to read, write and add up. That's the business of an educational establishment, not whatever bee some columnist has got in her bonnet at any time...

watching said...

"Jamie Oliver, who once worked at the River Cafe, has hectored and cajoled the inhabitants of South Yorkshire without managing to achieve a lasting change in their eating habits."

Quelle surprise. NOT!

Furor Teutonicus said...

Does anyone know where I can contact Joan Smith?

She is shagging

An M.P. So I presume HIS address will be somewhere, the rest is up to you.

Sam Duncan said...

“cheap food is regarded as a human right these days”

Note the sneaky “these days” implying that its some kind of new idea promulgated by Tesco. Anyway, if we're going to have smartarse “human rights” instead of boring old endowed-by-our-creator inalienable ones, cheap food's a helluva better idea than most of the ones the UN's come up with so far.

See, Joanie love, wars have been fought for cheap food. Revolutions have occured because of the price of bread.

And it's not hard for anyone not blinded by condescention to figure out why: the cheaper the food, the more people can afford it; the more people there are who can afford it, the fewer people starve. Now personally, and this is just me you understand, I'd rather have an obesity “epidemic” than mass starvation. I'm funny that way.

(WV: cantsum. The gags write themselves.)

Uncle Marvo said...

Known for her human rights activism and writing on subjects such as atheism and feminism, Joan Smith is a columnist, critic and novelist. An Honorary Associate of the National Secular Society and a regular contributor to BBC radio, she has written five detective novels, two of which have been filmed by the BBC.

So, a bit of a twat then, all in all.

thespecialone said...

I shop at Tescos and I can honestly say they provide a range of food for all tastes. So this fucking stupid elitist right-on liberal can fuck right off. Oh. I wonder what she thinks about Tescos providing employment for 1000s of people? You know the kind of people she probably regards as 'riff-raff' and her and her ilk wouldnt dream of working there. Or that Tescos is now a world-wide brand name that is actually British.
For what its worth I actually rarely have ready meals and do eat a relatively healthy diet. But guess what Joan. I had pizza and chips last week. And I had a burger and chips in a pub (oh it was so fucking cheap Joan you wouldnt believe it), and washed it down with a couple of pints and a bottle of red.
People from my background think that people from your background can just foxtrot oscar.

Anonymous said...

I loathe Tesco, too, but because they treat their smoking staff like dirt and whinge that disabled customers have gone over the allotted time in the car park while in store giving Tesco's their money.

So, I shop at Asda which is even cheaper than Tesco (someone get the smelling salts for Joan).

BTW where do River Cafe clients shop when not eating in River Cafe?

...and if I never see another bloody lamb shank in redcurrant and rosemary sauce it won't be a moment too soon.