Friday 18 June 2010

World Cup Safety Advice

If you're planning to watch the England match tonight, please be aware that it is extremely dangerous. Remember that your sole purpose in life is to remain entirely risk free at all times.

Towards that goal, here is some timely advice from an unutterably dull, overweening, self-righteous bell end.

Jules Birch, founder of Works with Water Nutraceuticals, explains: “Following England in the World Cup is often a very stressful and all-absorbing experience. Football fans are likely to experience high blood pressure through stress, smoking, drinking and eating junk food, which directly increases the risk of cardiovascular disease including heart attacks and strokes”


A man’s safe daily unit limit is 4, or just one pint of 4% or stronger lager. Every additional pint raises systolic blood pressure by another 4 mmHg, so just 5 pints takes blood pressure into red card territory. During the last World Cup in 2006, 815 million pints were sold in the UK, 60 million more than the previous June.


Episodes of anxiety cause dramatic spikes in blood pressure. If these temporary episodes occur frequently they can cause just as much damage to blood vessels and to major organs such as the heart and kidneys as consistently high blood pressure. Furthermore, when you’re anxious you're more likely to resort to other unhealthy habits such as smoking, drinking and overeating.

Fast Food

For many of us, typical World Cup celebrations will include a large quantity of high calorie, salty party food, raising blood pressure even more. To maintain a healthy level, Jules Birch from Works with Water Nutraceuticals recommends an adult should eat no more than 6g of salt a day, and that any food with more than 20g total fat or 5g saturated fat per 100g of food should be avoided completely. Unfortunately, one of Britain’s half time favourites, pizza, often contains 15g saturated fat and at least 3g of salt.
Apart from that, enjoy yourself ... if it's possible.

Or, you could avoid it altogether seeing as the game "distract[s] the populace from political injustice and compensate[s] them for lives of hard labour".

And we always thought watching a football match was a fairly uncomplicated matter, eh. Who knew?


Quiet_Man said...

Mines several pints of beer tonight, what's yours?

Catosays said...

But there's no waning about 'vuvuzelas'.

Shouldn't we be told?

Anonymous said...

...but vuvuzelas are part of the rich tapestry of African cultural life, innit.

'nutraceuticals' sounds like some pseudo-scientific beauty cream ingredient.


Oldrightie said...

Anon, worth a view here! As for booze, a nice red for me as England's old men struggle to contain a hungry bunch of young Algerians.

Unknown said...

Oh fuck, I've just overdone my quota of everything mentioned, and just a few cigarettes, watching the USA match.

Oops, did I mention cigarettes?

Dick Puddlecote said...

I had my one pint of beer at about 5 o'clock. I've now apparently consumed my ration till Wednesday next week. Am I a bad person?

AntiCitizenOne said...

Don't read this then!

Unknown said...

Just watched the England game and...I'm pissed, in more ways than one..WTF!

Smoking Hot said...

You was right DP it was dangerous ... gave you suicidal thoughts!

Frank Davis said...

After that game, I think that for once one of the bell ends was right.

adwelly said...

> A man’s safe daily unit limit is 4, or just one pint of 4%

Nope. A pint of 4% beer contains 2.27 units. Can't even get the basic facts right.

The business about 4 units being the limit were “plucked out of the air” reports the Sunday Times.

Timothy Cox said...

Few things make me want to indulge in an exercise-free-weekend of binge drinking, gluttony and sloth than self-righteous degenerates preaching about what I should and shouldn’t do/eat/drink/smoke etc. Hopefully the FSA (similarly egregious release here: will get it in neck and pocket tomorrow!