Wednesday 23 June 2010

A Stakeholder Consultation With ASH

My last e-mail to the world's worst ex-smoker, prominent ASH trougher Martin Dockrell, didn't result in a reply, unfortunately. Not sure why as I thought I'd couched it quite well. Perhaps I was too, I dunno, rambling or confrontational?

Anyway, in the interests of balance after yesterday's budget, I thought I'd have another stab at consulting with him (the stab bit shouldn't be taken literally) seeing as he is a stakeholder on the matter.

Subject: Stakeholder Consultation
Date: Wed, 23 Jun 2010 22:00:22 +0000

Greetings, Precious

Long time no, err, hear?

Listen, I was thinking that we haven't touched base for a while and, yes, it's partly my fault. I should have responded to your last silence more enthusiastically. My sincere apologies.

Now, I know you had a bad day yesterday, what with your plea for budget tax increases being ignored and all, and I just knew that you would have been ducking for most of the afternoon while Debs flew around the place in a cackling frenzy.

Which is why I've left it it till tonight to ask what you make of all that stuff in the budget. You see, if I could have been a fly on your wall at around the time that Osbourne gave you the finger, I would have done so, but unfortunately I'm not Jeff Goldblum. I'm very keen though, in the interests of balance, to hear your (obviously) unbiased opinion on events.

So what's your take on it, chum? I bet it was a Hamlet moment, eh? Oh, sorry, perhaps that wasn't the best comparison but you know what I mean.

Anyway, hope to hear from you soon as I'm sure there are many who will look forward to your reply, sunbeam.


PS You still seem to be dodging that beer we talked about, by the way. Was it the reference to arsenic? Heck, I was only kidding, dude! :)
I'm sure the last time was an oversight and he'll be forthcoming with his thoughts soon ... we do all pay a portion of his wages, after all.


Mark Wadsworth said...

"Osborne" not "Osbourne".

As a general rule, posh people spell their name rather stupidly. Normal people spell their name they way you think it's spelled.

subrosa said...

Auch, that brought a smile to my lips Dick. Will you get a reply? Will England win the World Cup? :)

Dick Puddlecote said...

Very astute observation, Mark. Like Alastair Campbell, you mean?

By the way, I'm top. Ta for that. :-)

Dick Puddlecote said...

Rosie: That's probably a no, and a no.

But we can but hope, eh?

BTS said...

There's nothing quite like seeing a judiciously placed 'lying cunt' crop up in the number one slot on a Google search..

JJ said...

I've read your e-mail to Dockrell DP...its just too damn polite!

Unknown said...

I suppose it is no secret by now DP that Marty reads your blog, we both know this, but is rather reticent at making a comment here, why? If you have a lot to say about the 'estimated' 13 million smokers in the UK you could at least come here and back up you fallacious (and ASH's (spit))arguements? Or is it just a case that you, and your whiney, publicly funded, organisation feel that you are 'hollier than thou' and above reproach? We need answers!

PS: I am rather miffed that you, Marty, read Dick Puddlecote's blog and not mine...what am I doing wrong and DP is doing right? (spit.)

Fredrik Eich said...

I don't think your approach is working. Maybe, you should try flowers and chocolates? Or failing that maybe 200 Silk Cut. I have this theory that very bad ex-smokers usually smoked cooking cigarettes such a Silk Cut and or any "light" brands. I have no evidence to back up this theory but there it is!

Dick the Prick said...

Hee hee - muchos gracias senor Dick.

Oh, and by the by, i've got quite close connexions with your blog bod mascot, Mr Davies, and can assure you that he gets regular updates of your musings.

Cheers again


Anonymous said...

Nice piece Dick,
but some of us at the lower end of the social structures are getting
somewhat impatient with silly
people like ASH.It is apparent
these cloistered interferers do not
take the blind bit of notice of
appeals for reason and moderation
when conveyed by polite and
eloquent protesters.
These simplistic dictators will
soon find (July1st onwards)more
energetic and meaningfull attention will be directed to their carefree nonchalance.
Appeasement may appeal to some but this has now run its course without results, time for the
dysfunctional to have a go.

The Ferryman

Dick Puddlecote said...

Fredrik: Decent theory. Anecdotal is valid too, you know.

DtP: That's good to hear. Tell him mine's a cool pint on the 14th July. ;-)